Early childhood separation

[FateLovesTheFearless]

Recently I have been dwelling a lot more than I should on the events of my childhood. I think it's because of a couple of counselling sessions I had but couldn't complete the full eight sessions. The counselling was for many reasons but most of the stuff is childhood related.

Anyway, in summary my parents split when I was two. My dad fought for full custody and won. He had always worked away doing lorry driving in my two years, my mum had always been the constant.

Anyways she was given visitation rights and for various reasons, decided to move 600 miles away. I didn't see her again until my teens. My dad moved in with my stepmum during the custody case etc.

I guess it's on my mind a lot as my youngest is now 2.5 and I look at him and wonder what he would be like if I wasn't here all of a sudden. What sort of impact losing your mother has and what part it plays in how you are as an adult. I also wonder how she could do it.

I am planning on starting the counselling again soon but I wondered if anyone has had similar and what sort of impact they felt it had on them?

As an adult I have huge trust issues, struggle to believe I can be loved or deserve to be loved. I'd like to understand where that has stemmed from.

I think there will almost certainly be reasons why your dad got custody and I suspect they are the same reasons why your mum cut contact. For that reason you can't compare how things would be for your ds if you suddenly disappeared because you, presumably, love and care for him and perhaps the reason your mum lost you is that she didn't?

I think a lot of who we are is established between 0-3, you may not be only suffering from your mum's behaviour after the split but also from before. Obviously it is a huge extrapolation from what you have actually said and maybe from what you know. Therapy sounds a good idea.

I don't know anything for sure, I have been told a bit. On my dads side they say my mum neglected my brother and I, left us on a mattress in a room with a belt around the handle to keep it shut. My brother had a stammer and wet the bed for years which was blamed on her in the custody case. It's worth noting he was born prematurely (30 weeks) 30 years ago and as an adult has aspergers.

I believe custody was awarded because she stopped turning up at the court during the case.

I dote on all my kids but my youngest may be my last baby and I suppose I mollu coddle him a bit

I guess I just find it really hard to understand how she could walk away. As a child I was desperate to achieve at school, immersed myself in every book I could find and was prone to what I now see as depression, where from as long as I can remember I suffered bouts of crying for no reason I could understand.

At 27 now, I really want to be able to trust. My counsellor asked me to tell her one person that I trusted at any point in my life and I couldn't tell her. I really struggle to believe in love and am highly defensive.

I suppose I am trying to work out if this is just who I am and if counselling can actually change anything. I was hoping someone might have had similar as a child and could relate. Thanks.

CBT in addition to the counselling might be a good idea if you want to change your thinking patterns. Working through things in a talking therapy can be really helpful but difficult if you are relying on others to tell you what happened to you. There are probably a whole load of things that contributed to how you and your brother are and you may never find them out.

What I do believe is that you are able to change negative thinking patterns.

Did she drink? Is that why he was premature and why you were neglected/sent to live with your dad?

She is a drinker but I don't believe she was back then. She haemorrhaged with my brother, woke up bleeding. She has a blood condition, similar to haemophilia.

I have heard so many stories, I don't really know what went on. She says my dad was abusive and I know he can be. That when they fought we saw a lot of it and would sit on the stairs cuddling each other. My brother and I are very close as adults.

I know some of my issues are more to do with what happened after she left but I'd like to know how much stemmed from that.

I think I can relate to your experience op.
My DM left after or during some kind of violent breakdown when I was 5.
I was the youngest of 4, which included my mums first child from a previous relationship. In those days, probably before you were born! there was a huge stigma still to being a single father parent family. Plus we lived in a small village.

I spent a lot of my teens and early adult hood in chaotic situations, taking stupid risks and engaging in self destructive behaviour. Including ruining my education, health, and making poor relationship choices. Trust issues as you have. I have never really had a stable relationship due to this.

My ds is now 17, I have been overprotective of him and some might say too much. I remember thinking: when I was his age I had to do / be x,y, or z. But we are who we are quite strongly because of our early childhood experiences. I accept that but I am not bitter about it. Funnily enough it wasnt until my DF died I started to examine him and see any faults or criticise him at all. I suppose that is because in my childhood my mum was the bad parent figure.

Had a ton of therapy, cbt, still on anti depressants.

I could say loads about this, I don't meet many people who have had similar. But I'm probably waffling now.

Please keep going crisis, I don't know anybody who has has similar either. Thats if you want to.

I relate to what you are saying at never seeing fault in your DF. For years my mother was the bad one for leaving. Yet I grew up seeing my father beat my brother on a good few occasions when he couldn't control his behaviour. Despite that, I never saw him as anything but my wonderful dad.

Do you find you overly worry about your kids? I am a lot better than I used to be, but sometimes I question how I am doing as a parent. Am I giving them enough love? Do they trust me? Are they happy?

Did you find counselling helped?

I'm quite a bit older than you and, like you, I have struggled all my life with trust issues (and self image in my case) due to a difficult childhood. My mum was mentally ill when I was a child, it started start after my birth as giving birth triggered a whole load of emotions that mum couldn't deal with and it led to a very damaged relationship between my mum and I, she was emotionally and physically abusive towards me. Her thinking and the way she influenced my formative years damaged the way I saw myself as a person. I spent years thinking I wasn't worthy of being liked much less loved so I didn't allow people in as it were.

As a small child mum was absent from my life, she spent whole years in hospitals being treated and I spent a lot of time in and out of the care system as dad had no support network. Dad is a good man but often we were removed from home (or more often met at school by social services) without warning. Often we were told we were 'going for a ride in the lady's car' when in fact we were being taken to another foster/children's home.

I can't think of one single person in my life I have ever trusted or allowed to really know who I am apart from my children and more recently my DH, like you I've sought counselling on and off over the years, most of which I don't think I fully committed to until I was in the right place emotionally. About 4 years ago I had CBT and it was really tough going but for the first time in my 49 years I can see that I am an OK kind of person.

So, my experience would be yes, counselling can change how you think and feel but it takes a lot of work on your part and you have to be ready for it. Just because you are not ready at a given point in your life does not mean that future counselling or a different type of counselling can't or won't work. I can't say it's been an easy journey but it has been a very worthwhile one.

Oh and I was brought up in a tiny village too. I didn't rebel as a teen until I was 16. My three serious relationships were not stable ones and have had varying degrees of violence.

My dp of nearly a year is different though and its partly because of his support and partly because I don't want my issues to ruin things that I guess I have started down the path of facing up to what's gone on on my childhood and hopefully resolve the issues I do have.

I don't think you can change your experiences or who you are but I do think you can change negative thinking patterns. Counselling might help you accept who you are.

It sounds as if both your parents have failed you massively tbh.

Thanks hell, I do feel I am ready for it, though just the two sessions I had made me feel as though I had been hit with a hammer. I am expecting it to be really tough but I do need to change my thinking and I have accepted that I can't do it by myself. I am glad it was worthwhile for you, hopefully it will be for me too.

The 'hit by the hammer' feeling is normal and there may be times when you feel like you are slipping backwards but hang on in there if you can.

Hell, my dad sent me 200 milways way to live with relatives. That or care I think. My elder sibs were in boarding school.
I think he just did the best he could.
OP, Yes , I would agree, go for counselling, if you can identify your behaviours that are unhappy with, you can change.
As hell says, you might need more than one set, or type of therapy.
It's great that you are so focused on making a success of your current relationship and your experience as a parent.
I personally didnot find cbt helpful, but strokes for folks,give it a go if it comes up.

I find myself overly worrying about ds all the time. He also dx with AS. I'm also conscious that I can be I'm very rigid and controlling, and get anxious. I think this out of fear that things will go pear shaped like it was for me.

Anyway, going to the gym now to deal with some of my self image issues.

We sound very similar crisis. My eldest is about to start assessment for aspergers/autism. I can be very rigid and controlling too, because I struggle to cope with changes. When I became a parent, I was so scared I would get it wrong I went into overdrive really, strict bedtimes, mealtimes. I was convinced that having 'perfect' children would show everyone I was a good mother. Thankfully I calmed down (I ended up with PND) and am a lot less regimental.

Thanks everyone, it's good to hear about other peoples experiences and opinions. I start college at the end of the month and am going to use their counselling services I think as it will fit around my timetable. I wasn't able to keep on with previous counselling because of child care issues.

Fate, I spent a lot of time thinking how could someone just walk out?
But having experienced parenthood, and knowing how much I love my ds, made me realise how bad things must have been for someone to feel that was their only option.
I don't think my DM wanted to, but she was at a last resort. She was also a pretty unstable at the time and for a few years afterwards.

I think my db is most likely high functioning autistic too.
And I've often considered not only how it affected me, but my sibs as well. We all have a different experience of a split even though we all experienced the same things.
One of the consequences for me (apart from poor self image and lack of confidence.. Etc. ) is that I don't have a Female role model. My DF never started another relationship, in fact my parents didn't divorce until about 25 years later.
So I find that inhibits me in mixing with other people. I see your DF remarried.
How many dc do you have ? I have just one.

It was complicated crisis. My DF got together with his brothers wife. His Sil and my auntie. His brother died young. So I was brought up with my auntie and cousins as mother and siblings. They never married. I call her step mum for ease of explanation. She was dutiful but us five kids pretty much fended for ourselves.

Out of the five of us, my sister/cousin and I no longer speak. She was very jealous of me coming on the scene as the 'baby'. There are ten years between us. My brother/cousin committed suicide in his early twenties. My other brother/cousin and I have a good relationship only in the last few years. He has issues from childhood too. My proper brother lives 600 miles away and can't seem to sustain relationships either. We are close despite the distance.

Me, I got married at 19 and had 4dc. I got married after discovering I was pregnant and I largely think my fear of not providing a good childhood for my baby is what made me decide to marry. I married a guy that was a heavy cannabis user and drinker, ten years older. Not a bad guy but very detached and depressed really. Separated last year after a dv incident.

I just want to break the trend that seems to go on with me. I am very very bad for self destructing relationships and friendships mostly because I never have any faith in them lasting. Its not healthy and I want my kids to have a good example.