Advice on how to approach counselling session.

[BeindClosedDoors]

I have just made an appointment for a session with a relationship councillor for my DH and I. I am very sad and fearful that we have got to this stage and all I really want is to shake off the problems and be happy and content as a family. Unfortunately 'D'H seems to think the grass can be greener and I have no idea what he is aiming for. He's a very closed book and I am concerned that I will just end up doing all the talking as usual and he won't communicate even although it's his idea to go and talk to someone now after me suggesting it a few months ago.

I very much want my marriage to continue (and be a happy family) but am aware that I can only manage my own responses and am not able to change how he feels.

There is a long history of deceitful behaviour on his part and I know the general response would be 'leave the bastard' but we really are extremely compatible otherwise, we don't row or have any other discord at home at all. We enjoy each other's company, spend all our spare time as a family and both adore our children. We are also overseas in our dream location which was a joint goal for 10 years and it's every bit as good as we hoped it would be. I am just so sad he's prepared to dump all that and I REALLY want counselling to work. I have seen many marriages break down recently and in EVERY case even the most amicable split descends into hatred alarming quickly. DH's parents marriage was a case in point and I do not want to repeat history with my children.

Everyone we know would be shocked to the core if we split. We have never given any indication of issues to anyone else. (hence the username). Talking to someone about it all is going to be really hard and I am dreading it.

How do I approach the session and is there anything else I can do to get my life and marriage back on track? (and how do I get rid of the pit of doom in my stomach?).

Thanks.

And the spelling mistake in my user name is kind of deliberate as it wouldn't let me get anything closer and I couldn't think of anything else!

Hi

I have read your post op, and I am wondering if there is some denial on your part about how much he wants out of the marriage? I say this because you write that he thinks the grass can be greener on the other side.

I do wonder if his sudden decision to seek counselling with you makes him feel confident enough to tell you his thoughts on this, as you will be a captured audience so to speak. Joint counselling will give you both a platform to express feelings, but what if you dont like what you hear? do you think you can or will accept it? I dont want to be the harbinger of doom, but I wonder if he is talking and you are not listening.

Please think about where you stand with regards home family and finances before you get in there, just in case it doesnt turn out like you expected.
all the best.

It may be that he's made his decision and is doing the counselling for appearances sake: I tried everything. It sounds like he's checked out of the marriage, eternally dissatisfied - could there be an OW?

He's still affectionate though, we still have sex and he still checks in during the day and always asks about things that I have going on so it really doesn't feel like he's completely checked out. It's so confusing.

Thanks for your replies.

You say you want the counselling "to work".

Please realise that the aim of couples counselling is not to keep couples together. Counselling is there to help each of you clarify what you want and need in a relationship, and to assess whether this is or is not the relationship that is able to provide those things for you.

It is achieving that clarity that will mean the counselling has "worked".

Ok, that makes sense. I am very much an ostrich and bottle everything up. My close friends confide in me but I can never open up so it's going to be very confronting to have to explain it all and i don't have a clue what to expect. Clarity one way or the other sounds good though. Thank you.

Counselling is specifically designed as a safe place for that confrontation to happen. It sounds like it is the right choice for you - well done on making the appointment.

I don't think you need to worry that your H won't speak during the sessions, the counsellor will ask questions of him to ask his opinions based on what the issues presented are. There will be opportunities to each talk while the other partner listens, does not argue or shout over each other.

It is easier if you talk to the counsellor, and your H does too to begin with, rather than talking to each other; e.g. "H has been deceitful in the past and I would like to hear him explain his reasons for it" rather than "you've been deceitful and I want to know why."

What do you mean by "deceitful behaviour"?

You seem to fear splitting up more than you really want to stay together, if that makes sense. A lot of your OP talks about the negatives of splitting - the effect on the children, the danger of acrimony, the shock of other people, rather than the positives of staying together IYSWIM. As others have said, counselling doesn't fix a marriage, it just opens communication, and sometimes you hear things you don't want to hear.

Is your husband suggesting that he wants to split up?