Did I handle this wrong?

[Onceortwice]

Yesterday, we were supposed to be having a nice day out - DH, me and 4 kids. DS fell and hurt his hand, not badly but bleeding and he was crying. DH got upset with him and started shouting (DS is 4 and has autism, so he doesn't get that his reaction was OTT for the situation). DH took DS away and started to shout at him, so I went over to retrieve DS. DH got angry with me and told me to F-U-C-K off (DS was there, so he spelt it rather than said it) and toldme he was tired of me, and that I want to be a million percent mummy (I did answer back to this and said I AM their only mummy. He is the OTHER parent and it's called a FATHER). He told me I am a martyr and never let him do anything with the children (this is somewhat true, though I wouldn't consider myself a martyr, but I don't like to be without the kids).

Anyway, DH took DS home and left me, DD and my DSDs there. Obviously, we didn't want to eat there anymore, so I brought the girls home, stopped off at the supermarket so we could eat at home.

DH cooked and ate with us, and then went to bed for the afternoon (so I had all 4 children... we had a nice afternoon)

So, that evening... DSDs went back to see their mum, I bathed my children and then left DH to put them to bed. Several times, I heard him shouting at them, but I didn't get involved, just left him to it (as he had said I always sort out problems) When he did come down, he was in a really bad mood with me and then announced he was going to bed (we no longer sleep in the same room)

He left for work this morning without saying a word. I can't win. If I do everything, I'm being a martyr if I ever mention it but if I expect him to do anything, he gets angry with me and shouts at the kids.

So, basically, he wants me to do everything, but act like I don't (so not being a martyr).

I don't really know what I want people to say, I'm just tired with all the stress.

((hug)) no I think you did everything right.

I think you need to think about what exactly you get from this relationship and whether it is worth continuing in it. He does not sound like he treats any of his children well and I would not be happy with him shouting at me or at them. Why are you already sleeping apart?

The one thing that really pisses me off more than anything is that he ruined all of your day with his childish outburst and then instead of having contact with his dds he went to bed. I'm obviously assuming they live with their mum? Gah if my ex was like this with the children they would not continue to be subjected to such shit and contact would be gradually reduced to time he would actually spend with them instead of in his pit like a sulky teenager while his wife spends time with the children. Don't get me wrong I think it is lovely you are such a lovely step mum and I'd be really grateful to you but this just sends a message he doesn't give a shit about his children cos he'd rather be sulking in bed. Or have I got it wrong?

No I don't think you handled it wrong, I think he did. Shouting at a child for making a fuss isn't going to help matters but I think his reaction was probably born out of frustration.

I think you need to sit down and have a long talk. He's obviously feeling left out and taking it out on everybody. You probably need to 'let' him do more but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to parent without shouting all the time - what happens when the shouting doesn't work? Children stop listening, he shouts louder, children eventually detach themselves and he'll blame you.

Is couples counselling an option?

A 4yo cried at hurting himself and was shouted at for it? Wow, I've handled a few ASD meltdowns but really don't think it was the child who over reacted in this scenario!

And he then went to bed instead of adultly grinning and bearing it until you could discuss things calmly?

And he had enough control over his actions to spell a swear word...

In his eyes, whatever you did or said would be wrong. In real life, he was acting like an arse and, if this is regular behaviour, i recommend you have a good hard think about your relationship and his contribution to it!

Yes, I do believe much of it is out of frustration.

DS's behaviour can be... challenging. (the fact that DS was shouting that DH had hurt his hand, when all DH had tried to do is clean it must've been hard, as DH is very aware of what other people think of him, so DS shouting 'daddy hurt me / Daddy is naughty' won't have been easy for him)

But then, I have spent so much longer working out DS's behaviour / condition and understanding it and accepting it.... I don't see it as a problem as such any more. Merely part of his personality that needs to be managed... Just as DSD1 is fiercely competitive and that needs to be mananged. Just as DSD2 is theatrical and that needs to be managed. Just like DD is a little diva and is 3 going on 14 and that needs to be managed.

But there is no point in trying to 'manage' DS like you would an average 4YO. He isn't. That is not a good thing anymore than it's a bad thing. it's just a bit different. Well, quite a lot different, I suppose.

(FWIW, we did all have a lovely afternoon... pulling stupid poses of Bolt and the MoBot!)

You are making excuses for him. He is an adult and he chooses how he reacts to situations. Your dsds don't have ASD and instead of spending time with them he went to bed.

If you continue down this road of "oh but he has ASD" you send the message his father is fine to treat him badly because he has ASD. I don't see it as any different to any other child, he doesn't limit his shouting to ds either he shouts at you and at dd too and he ignores (at least on this occasion) his older dds.

He is an adult, he has to get a grip. I've never met a child that was easy to raise, I don't buy for a second the "I spend more time with them so I have learned better" stuff if it is that why is he choosing to disconnect from everything instead of making an effort and why is he blaming you?

Not to mention if you can happily manage all four, two of whom are not even your own children (which is harder than caring for your own) then just what is his excuse for not even bothering to try and behave like a responsible father?

But then, I have spent so much longer working out DS's behaviour / condition and understanding it and accepting it....

You're not alone in this, have you found the SN section here yet? Very supportive and many many people who have been through the same Probably better than me making suggestions of where to look (am an autism auntie and have worked with people with sn for several years, so no personal experience iyswim)

OP, do you think your ex is struggling to accept your DS's Autism? I find that often a father will try to deny the diagnosis, and mentally struggle to cope with it.

Do you think there may be an element of this, maybe he is frustrated, and doesn't know how to articulate his feelings?

I'm not for a second saying that his reaction was RIGHT, but there are a lot of stresses and strains put on a relationship when one of the DC's has a disability.

I have been there myself, it took my DS2's dad right until DS2 was 7yo to accept his diagnosis of Autism, and he 'ignored' it, and had far higher expectations of DS2's behaviour and emotional development than DS2 was capable of. It took him until then for the information to fully sink in.

I got the not doing anything/shouting at everyone all the time, and if I asked him to do anything, I would get even more shouting. Yet if I didn't ask him to do anything, I was a martyr and wouldn't let him near the DC's.

It's quite common. I would suggest some couple's counselling and sole counselling got both you and your DH.

Only if you haven't got to the point where you are ready to leave though.

As a statistic, around 70% of relationships where there is a child with a disability or special need break down. That's a HUGE percentage. A relationship like this needs a lot more work to keep it together, and that can be very difficult for you when you are already exhausted with looking after your DC with Autism, or other disability.

Two years on from when DS2's dad fully accepted his diagnosis, and did some research, he has realised that I was dealing with DS2 the way he needed me to all along. And now he does the same.

It's a shame we split up along the way, but my ex is now a much better father to DS2 than he was a few years ago.

Offred, good point. Dp and I, individually or together, can easily manage my dn's (7 with severe asd and 5 nt) for a few hours even though we only see them about once a month for a few hours and i have known them less than 3 years (dp's sisters children). It's about motivation not ability - we want to spend time with them and give sil a break!

Thankyou. Yes, I have found the SN boards.

CouthyMow - What you write totally sums it up. I don't think DH wants to accept the diagnosis (FWIW, neither did I) but then I think he hides from it too. He has never come to a single appt. so really has no clue where we are in the whole process.

I think he has always loved the idea of a 'boy' (MASSIVE back story to this one... no time to explain)

I have to go now. Thanks for the advice / support.

I wouldn't have let him go to bed, leaving me to look after his own children. No way.

Having difficulty accepting something I think is very different from actively refusing to try to accept it.

I feel uncomfortable about men who want a perfect son and are unhappy if they don't get one, conjures up images of that famous champion of gender equality- Henry viii...

IMperial - I didn't really get the choice. He went inside (to put some plates in) and then just never re-appeared.

I get on well with my DSDs, they are young adults rather than kids anymore, so it's not like looking after 4 kids. They are great step kids.

Couthy - I can see what you mean about relationships. Dh and I never do anything alone. We don't do anything as a couple. Ever.

I don't think my DH likes me, well... not the person I've become. I am that 'mummy' who doesn't shave, doesn't apply make up, doesn't bother with new clothes. In part, it's because I don't have time / opportunity, but in part it's because I just can't be arsed to try. Every time I try a 'nice' day out, it goes wrong. I can cope fine with DS's behaviour except when it 'blind sides' me. So, I'd rather stick to our safe / tried'n' tested days out (which always revolve around the kids and not adults!)

He still has 'a life', has a reason to get cleaned up, get dressed up etc., He's pretty important at what he does, so I know he gets lots of attention (both male and female). No one ever looks at me... well apart from that look I get from other people when DS is kicking off. I have no reason at all. ALl I do is look after kids.

See, I can see why he gets annoyed with me. I do sound like a martyr. I don't mean to. I just feel so unimportant.