My 70yr old Aunt confided in me and I feel sad and angry for her

[Restrainedrabbit]

My Aunt has been widowed for 20yrs, her late husband was not popular in the family as he was a rather over bearing, hot tempered and selfish character. We always knew that he didn't treat my Aunt brilliantly however I didn't realise how awful he was. I'm sharing this hear as I promised I wouldn't share within the family but I need some perspective.

She recently met a lovely new man when on holiday in July, we were talking about this and how she has never felt like this before etc. Then out of the blue she suddenly quietly said that her late H was sexually bullying. He used to force her to have sex and if she said no then would sulk and shut her out if the house or bedroom. He said that it was her fault and that she had a problem if she wasn't always up for it. He never took her needs into consideration and always wanted a 'banquet' (her words) rather than sometimes having 'fast food'. This went on for the 25 years that they were married and she thought this was normal, she said she would never have left him as once you made you vows that was that and you accepted the consequences :( she was a virgin when she got married so had no point of comparison.

I feel so sad and angry for her, sad that she felt this was normal and only now at 70 realises what a normal healthy relationship should be and angry that her H put her through this.

Yes it is sad. I dread to think what my mum has put up with in her marriage with my dad. I really do dread to think

Poor, poor woman having to give him a 'banquet' each time

At least the bastard's he's dead and she has a chance of happiness now.

It's tough on you that you can't tell other members of the family though.

this is very sad to find out your aunt had such a bad time through her marriage. Sadly this is more common than we realise I think....

it's that 'made your bed and so lie in it' attitude that was a common way for many people...'put up and shut up' and keeping secret's, unable to talk to anyone, etc

What went on in peoples lives behind closed doors wasn't shared or discussed and many people (esp women) suffered badly through similar and worse family/spousal abuses

There was no support, nowhere to run to and no real way out for people...independence and choices and the ability to exercise either of these things was taboo, unsupported and hidden

Thankfully we live in different times and people don't have to be lost in such environments

I hope your aunt has found a lovely man/companion and experiences what she should have had years ago....

Yes that is very sad isn't it. Let's hope she lives until she is 90 and gets some of her chances back between now and then x

I would call that rape, not sexual bullying.

I'm sure it's been a comfort to her to confide on you.

What an utter shitbag

Thank you I just needed to offload. I agree about the whole make your bed and lie in it especially in our family where divorce is (still) so taboo.

She cried when I said that no woman should ever be a possession, and that sex was not a right. She did rightly point out that rape in marriage has only recently become illegal.

What a burden to carry though and apparently I am the first person she has ever told :( I wonder what her friends would have said if they had been told? Wod she have got any support?

i think it must have helped her a lot to offload to you OP, so it's lovely that your aunt feels close enough to you to be able to do this. i too would feel hurt and angry on her behalf. it is awful what she had to put up with, but i think many women of her generation sadly did the same. she's lucky to have you. i hope she finds happiness with her new man and finally gets treated like the lady she is.

Sadly it's unlikely that her friends would have supported her, although a friend in a similar situation might have been a shoulder to cry on. What she went through was very very common, which is a horrible thing to think about. So many women trying to carry on in life, bring up children, go out to work, while having to face regular bullying, intimidation and rape from the person who was supposed to be supporting them.

My own grandmother ended up having 9 children by c-section because she had the misfortune to be a woman in Catholic Ireland in the mid twentieth century. There is no way on earth she should have had that many children but in Ireland at that time a woman had absolutely no say over her own sexuality and fertility - she had zero access to contraception and doctors were actually not allowed to advise her not to have any more children - as a wife she had a duty to produce child after child regardless of the consequences to her health, and of course her husband took no responsibility - he just kept on getting her pregnant and leaving her to deal with the consequences. An absolutely disgusting situation.

It is so great that your aunt felt she could open up to you. Well done for supporting her.

It says an awful lot about you RR that your aunt could confide in you this way. As you rightly say, that was often the way of things at that time. Try not to dwell on what has gone before, and celebrate the fact that this lovely lady is getting the chance to be treated as she should always have been.

Sadly, whilst things are undoubtedly much, much better now, this attitude still exists with certain types of men within marriage, and I suspect, always will.

At least your lovely Aunt is now free to enjoy her life without a bully dominating her. Todays generation have a choice and let anyone reading this thread remember, if they have ever themselves experienced some of what your Aunt went through but managed to escape, through divorce they should not rush straight back into the unknown without tasting freedom and getting to know what they want out of life and to never be afraid of going it alone. So many I know have jumped from the frying pan to the fire, just when they are getting to know what it feels like to have wings again.

It is lovely to hear the generations meeting and sharing like this, we learn so much from those who have gone before us.

that's why they invented feminism
until then, all women thought it was normal or their own specific problem
wishing her a great sex life with a lovely new man from now on

cailin that is awful :( brood mares get treated better!

My aunt is indeed very lovely and seizing the moment with the new man, she appears to be swinging from the chandeliers with him

Well done, Restrained for being someone she could speak to about it. Such a terrible shame she couldn't do that before. It's so lovely she now has this chance to have a lovely relationship.

callin its an awfule situation. What angers me most about the Irish catholic bit is that my mum still believes the all the women in her family had loads of kids because 'irish women are horny'. This what her dad told her and she thinks its true.
Thankfully she moved to England didn't marry the man grandad wanted her to.
I am horrified at what my nana may have gone through. 5 kids, 1 cot death (his was the only boy they had), grandad moaning that she would never give him a boy etc.
Mum wonders why I don't talk to grandad anymore.

Op I am glad she has been able to tell someone, although its a heavy burden. I am sure she feels so much better for it.

I know dante, and unfortunately it was just a fact of life for women of that time.

The only compensation is that my gran is now a hale and hearty 80 year old with 9 loving children who live near her and have filled her life with tonnes of grandchildren and who each see her at least once a week, while my grandfather (git that he was) passed away nearly 30 years ago from alcohol related illness. She worked like a dog when her children were young but boy has she reaped the rewards :)