I think I have a 'toxic' sister

[Monisey]

Hi,

I had a previous thread about my sister not picking me as a bridesmaid

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1524266-Upset-over-sister-not-asking-me-to-be-bridesmaid

I emailed her in the end and told her I didn't want to do anything at all in the wedding and that I didn't want my kids stuck in the middle so, they would not be involved either.

Since all this kicked off, I've been thinking about my relationship with her. It used to be ok, when we were small. We played together, got on ok, had our usual sibling fights. When we became teenagers, it changed. Her friends became more important than her family, which I guess is normal enough. It's still the same today, she will choose her friends before her family, always.

I find her very selfish, she only does what she wants, I find this hard because I am a people pleaser, I want everybody to be happy.

She lives away from home, so I rarely see her. Since she moved away, she has hardly ever rang or text to see how I am or how my dc are. I have been in contact with her to see how she is.

My dh cannot stand her. Before he and I started going out, me and sister tolerated each other. When dh and I got involved, it was like a personality clash. He used to tell me that we (as a family) gave into her and that she got her own way all the time. She was the cause of numerous rows between me and dh, to the point that we nearly split up over it. I used to defend her and to a degree my parents, so it was like I agreed with her behaviour. I guess it was a habit, she always got her way so I was used to giving into her. Examples of how she behaved are talking about my dh behind his back, we were out one night, I saw her make comments to her friends then point at my dh and laugh. She did this to family members too. To my shame I never called her out over this, wanted to avoid an argument.

She treats me badly, I can see this now. She talks down to me and can be patronising. One time when I was pregnant with dc 1, I went to visit her in her college city. We arranged to go into the city for some shopping and lunch. When I arrived at her house, she changed her mind and said she had a headache, and told me where to get the bus. This still makes me upset.

I have often said, if we weren't sisters, we would not be friends.

When she was born, she had health problems and so we were not together much until I was 3. She had to have some operations. I wonder if we didn't bond as we should have? Because of her health problems, I feel like my parents gave into her and she got used to it? I often feel like I have to give way to make her happy, and just get on with it. This happened when we were planning our wedding. My dh didn't want her involved, but I did because she was my sister and because I did not want to cause hassle for my parents. I became depressed over this, crying every day, didn't want to get out of bed, wasn't sleeping well. I had some counselling and just learned how to deal with the situation.

I am thinking about cutting her out of my life altogether. My dh wants me too. As it is, he doesn't want her in our house or near our children.

But I'm scared. I don't want to hurt my parents. I don't want to get depressed again. I feel like people will think I'm being petty for not letting my dc be involved in her wedding. But then I think they don't know what she really like.

Another thing that is bothering me is that I can't give many examples of how she treats me, I just know she has treated me badly and that we don't get on. Is this normal? Not to remember examples?

Any advice?

I sympathise but think it may bd more helpful to think of relationship as toxic not yr dsis..can you think of what you can do about this (sadly you can't change her)? It maybe you decide to break contact or to establish boundaries or to talk...hth. Your joint issues may well derive from how you were parented and the lasting legacy of that. Easier to give advice than act in it- v sadly my dsis and I are not in proper contact, toxic relationship w her and dm, v hard to deal with but I can only sort myself!

Sorry, but have read your other thread and think you are taking it all a bit too personally when there was no intention to hurt on your sisters part. She has asked your children to be flower girl and pageboy, so she wants your family involved.

Your husband sounds like a bit of a shit stirrer to me, who is the one causing a lot of this problem.

Could you just see her as little as possible?

Leave the contact to her-rather than a big announcement.

I´m the sister who was spoiled due to not being expected to live.

It mortifies but upsets me that my sister still harps on about it-as if it was my fault or that I deliberately made our parents treat me differently.

She lives abroad-when our mum died, she told me that she was jealous of the extra time I´d had with mum!

Because of distance, we don´t see each other that often, but we do get on when we see each other.

I also think Squeaky makes a good point.

You involved her in your wedding because you wanted to.

She has involved who she wants to in hers.

Your poor sister. You're do jealous its tangible. You're trying to spoil her wedding or make it about you. What you don't realise Is you're probably doing her a favour as she's better off without you or your shit stirring husband there. Grow up and tell your almost creepy husband the same. Are you sure he doesn't secretly think he got the wrong sister?

"I am thinking about cutting her out of my life altogether. My dh wants me too. As it is, he doesn't want her in our house or near our children."

Having read through your post again, the toxic one is not your sister. It is someone much closer to home.

My sister also likes to take control.

For example, she´ll ask me things but wouldn´t answer the same stuff herself.

So, I don´t share much anymore.

When we visit-she´ll have our holiday organised for us-although that´s great for us tbh & I can say no to things if necessary!

We are different-& perhaps wouldn´t choose each other as friends-but we get on & I love her.

Is your sister a danger to your children/you/your husband?

If not, what are his reasons?

I understand you were ill whilst planning your wedding-but was that all down to your sister?

Your DH is being very unhelpful in this. It sounds like you wouldn't get along particularly well anyway but your DH is escalating it all. If she lives away from you and isn't in touch much I struggle to understand how she's effecting your life on a regular basis. Your DH seems to want her gone more than you do - why do you think that is?

Since it doesn't sound like you're in touch much I don't think you need to announce that she's now cut out just stop doing the running, let it drift and be civil at the very rare occasions you will inevitably be together (births, marriages and deaths).

Your DH needs to have a think about how he's fueling this too and why he's choosing to behave like that.

Wow, some harsh replies.

Lisaro, that made me laugh, the thoughts of my sister and dh together, would never happen!

Diddl, I involved her because I wanted to, yes but I also had a great deal of pressure from my parents to do so.

I guess some of you are right, I don't see her on a regular basis so I'll just leave it at that. Let it be as it is, be civil to each other.

A couple of points, I am not jealous of her, I have no reason to be. I'm happy with my life and choices.

I do not harp on about her health issues, nobody does. She's fine now, no problems at all. I just put that in as background information.

Thanks for the replies.

If you can't actually think of any real examples of unreasonable behavior that implies there actually aren't many. It sound like the antagonism is more to do with issues from your childhood than anything your sister is actually doing wrong. I mean seriously - you just "know" she treats you bady but the only thing you can think of is one incident where she wasn't well when you visited her. What a bitch huh?!

I read your bridesmaid thread. I don't think it's that unusual to have younger unmarried sisters as bridesmaids and give the elder married sibling another role as she has done. My two best friends werent my bridesmaids, one was a witness and the other played at my wedding and stayed with me on the night before. She has involved your kids which is also a nice thing. I think you're being a little over sensitive.

And re your husband and her bad mouthing him - well it sounds as if e may have a point. He should be helpful not trying to make the relationship worse. There is no obligation for them to like each other but he sounds like he is actively machinating to ruin what is left of your sibling affection deliberately. Not cool.

I see you have completely ignored the many comments about your husband though OP.

" yes but I also had a great deal of pressure from my parents to do so."

Not her fault.

Is there a reason why your DH doesn't like her or is it just a personality clash? Agree with others, no need for a big gesture, just don't get involved if you don't get along with her.

I didn't think married women were traditionally bridesmaids (matron of honour - but there can only be one of those - or some other role maybe). I personally would be much happier for my children to be asked to be bridesmaid/ pageboy/ flower girl or what ever - I wonder why you so wanted to be a bridesmaid that you refused to let your children have roles if you didn't have one? Also getting ill and depressed over whether your sister would be your bridesmaid or not seems ridiculously OTT to me.

If you and your sister don't get on I agree the right response is just take a step back, be polite and friendly when she approaches you, but no need initiate contact.

TBH I really don't understand why you think your relationship is unusual or toxic - you sound rather needy (I really don't get why you so want a central role in her wedding if you're not close) and your DH seems to feel the need to stir things, but I think your sister actually sounds relatively normal :)

I think your sister would be better off without you or your shit stirring husband at her wedding tbh. She'll probably have a much nicer day.

Well done on using your kids as emotional blackmail too, that's just lovely.

'I didn't want my kids stuck in the middle so, they would not be involved either' - Doesn't seem to me like you're doing that for the kids tbh. Sounds like you're throwing your toys out of the pram.

So we're all ignoring the snidey comments about DH to her friends and family?

What came first the chicken or the egg? Maybe she just has good twat radar. The husband shit stirring indicates twattishness to me.

"When we became teenagers, it changed"

Unless the OP and her DH are childhood sweethearts, this dilemma is a bit more straightforward than the chicken and the egg

And from the other thread "She has caused me a lot of hurt over the years, now we are civil but we don't have the same relationship as I do with my other sisters".

Still, never mind. Why should OP be in a happy marriage when some posters on here aren't? Leave the bastard

Thanks mr Miyagi, was beginning to think I was going mad. The problems have been there since before dh came on the scene.

I think it's a personality clash between dh and my sister.

The main problem is between my sister and I, not my dh and my sister.

I take all the replies on board, you have all given me something to think about. Maybe I was wrong, and she's not toxic. Maybe I'm reading too much mumsnet. Sure, she could probably write a few threads about me, not sure wht though, seeing as she barely speaks to me.

Thanks again for the replies, I'm not going to reply to this any more.

Well, toxic or not-if you don´t get on, don´t see her.

Although it sounds as if you don´t have much to do with her anyway.

I think some on here thought it odd that you don´t get on but were miffed that you hadn´t been asked to be bridesmaid.

When my sister got married i was 19 and a bridesmaid. When I got married my sister was 41 and i had her children as flower girls and she was my witness. It didn't occur to me to ask her to be a bridesmaid. I think that is quite usual.