Neglected by husband - feel unloved & just like a piece of furniture

[julie123]

Hello All

I am new to this board... and so glad to eb able to get this off my chest...
We had our little girl 2 years ago (she was just turned 8 march)..

well to get straight to the point my relationship wiht hubby has gone down the pan... we have a beautiful daughter and we both lover her very much.... but with our personal relationship, it seems to have gone down the pan...

At 8 months she got UTI (urine infection) NOv 04) anyway before that she use to sleep in her cot in our bedroom - and she started to sleep in our bed... i was dead against this because i was worried that this will cause a long term problem...

we live in a 2 bed falt - so my hubby said he would crash on the sofa and give the bed to me abd our baby - whihc was really thoughtful of him - anyway, he is still sleeping on the sofa and our daughter still sleeps with me...

Fulltime…and we have bought her a toddler bed and are planning to move her across…

But as the love and affection is just not coming from my husband I feel that why shouldn’t I continue to sleep with my little girl, we both cuddle each other at night and she always checks to see if I am there ( this is going to be a big problem when we move her to her bed …eventually)

Anyway I have approached hubby so many times…. Trying to catch some cuddles and kisses in the evening, but he always pushes me away…. Says he is tired… he really does help me around the house and with our LO as he drops her anc collects her from nursery as I work in central London and leave before 7am and am home when my daughter gets in at 5.30pm

He seems to be content with us…and says we have all the time … as our LO will grow up so fast (which is true) but I just feel that I am surplus to his requirements – he has his daughter and that’s that…. There is no room for me anymore – we don’t sleep together (same bed) so there is no chance of any initimacy not even cuddles…
When I bring this up – he just says that he can’t believe I am being so insecure …. Well I feel like that as I he never offers any affection….
I sometimes resort to sending him emails telling him the way I feel, but he never mentions that he has read it – and just ignores the fact…
I am really down, don’t know what to do – I feel we are together because of our daughter – i do love him but sometimes I have so much anger in me because he rejects me so much ….

thanks for listening ....

julie

join the club.

but you need to get your daughter into her own bed soon. bil was still sleeping with his mom in his late teens. started coz of death i think.

I really don't know what to suggest, but, is there a way you can get a babysitter for your little one so that you and dh can go out one night and have a really good chat? or even better is there someone who could have her overnight, so that you could stay at home and discuss your relationship and how you feel in more detail

Stitch, I hope things are better for you and ds.

Poor you. It really sounds like you need to get dd into her own bed soon. It's impossible for you to have a normal intimate relationship with dh if you don't sleep together and no wonder he's tired if he's sleeping on the sofa. You also need to try and have a better talk with him and try to make him understand how you feel. Don't let hom fob you off. Make him understand that it may not seem important to him but it really is upsetting you and so he ought to take that seriously for your sake. I think the idea of going out without dd is a good one. It's easier to talk about things away from your normal day to day environment.

Thanks for your messages.

Going off the topic of DH,....any tips of moving oour LO into her new bed?

I was thinking of doing it over Easter- so I ahve from Thursday night -till MOnday???

I would try and make her moving into her room fun, make it all girlie and make a big deal of her having her own bed, try setting up a routine from the off too such as bath, quiet time sat in bed reading a story and then sleep, you need to be firm if she comes out of her bed, the first time just say come on sweetheart back to bed, the second time, it's time for bed and after that, no speaking to her or eye contact and put her straight back in bed every time, you may have a few sleepless nights, but it will be worth it in the end, I have been there with both dd's, (not the sleeping in our bed, but the getting them used to their own room).

Julie I think what you are going through is all too common. I think though that there are a lot of issues here. Firstly, you should get your DD out of your bed and into her own. It’s one thing co sleeping with a child, but totally a different one if the child has taken the place of your partner in your bed. You said in your post that your DD and you cuddle each other at night, that she reaches out to make sure you’re still there, these are all things that should happen between partners, and yet your DH has been pushed out by his own child and is now sleeping on the couch. I bet that when he initially gave up his side of the bed so you could sleep with your DD he never imagined that he’d still be sleeping on the couch more than a year on. I realize that at the moment you are feeling as if your DH just doesn’t want to give you any physical affection, but try and see it from his perspective. Currently he’s sleeping on the couch, while his child Is sleeping in his bed, there is no chance of intimacy in the relationship as you don’t even go to bed together at night, how would it feel for him, do you think, if you two got close and then went off to your separate beds at night? And in your bed, your DD is waiting to cuddle you, but who’s there waiting to cuddle your DH?

Your DD is, of course, the most important member of your family, and it is only natural that you would both put her first. But she’s a 2 year old now, and should really be sleeping in her own bed. And your DH should be sleeping in his own bed, with his wife, and not on the couch.

I’m sorry if this sounds very harsh and I’m waiting to be shot down over this, but imo your DH has made a lot of sacrifices in the past year. I know that your post says you're neglected by your husband, but I think actually it's the other way round and that your DH is also feeling neglected and pushed out. It's time your DD slept in her own bed, and it's time you allowed your DH back into his bed, and back into his marriage. I think that once you are sleeping in the same bed again, and are able to be close again, the issues will resolve themselves.

What was your relationship like between her being born and at 8 months when she had her infection? He offered to move to the sofa against your wishes and you have approached him for cuddles and been pushed aside. He ignores your emails. So I have to disagree with Wannabee1974 and suggest that he is using it as an excuse so he doesn't have to confront some deeper issue.

Yes DD should move to her own bed, but there are other issues to be dealt with here. He needs to take his head out the sand!