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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does any one else feel like mobile phones/laptops are damaging their relationship?

14 replies

MamaBear17 · 12/08/2012 08:39

My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 2 1/2. We have an issue with communication and it is fair to say that since our daughter was born a year ago we are both 'snappier' with each other. Things that normally would just be a minor discussion blow up into full blown arguments when they really shouldn't. Some of the issues come from the fact that In the past I have compromised all of the time for a quiet life. I wouldn't make an issue of something that upsets me in case my husband got annoyed and it started an argument. However, that doesn't work. My husband just expects even more from me and now I am starting to feel resentful. I am trying to work on these issues because I am really unhappy and I know it cant go on. I am standing up for myself a bit more and that is causing issues. I have gone from doing as he wants to starting to insist he is more reasonable and he is finding that quite an adjustment. I feel that I am quick to anger is because I am resentful at the way my husband treats me, and one of the reasons for this is his mobile phone. There is not an hour that goes by that he is not on it. If we go out in the car and I drive he is on his phone for the whole journey. If we sit down at a restaurant he pulls the phone out and sits on it. Sitting next to each other on the settee there is no conversation because he is either on his laptop, his kindle or his bloody phone. I hate it. He will even sit on the phone ignoring his daughter because he is too engrossed in it. Last night we were at his parents and he ignored everyone because he was too engrossed in his phone and im fed up. I feel ignored. The problem is, in the past, he sits on his phone so I sit there and get my own phone out rather than cause an argument. Or in the evenings he will be on his computer so I come on here. He is right when he says that I am just as bad, although I feel the only reason I entertain myself with the internet is because he is engrossed in it and I am bored. I know there will be many people reading this and thinking 'why dont you just ask him to come off his phone/computer rather than go on yours' and you are right, but when I do that he gets annoyed and it usually starts an argument. I am so sick of arguing. I think what I am asking here is has technology been an issue for anyone else and how did you fix it? I need to talk to him about this but I need a plan so that I can broach it positively and not make him feel like it is yet another thing I am moaning about. I really want to save my marriage. There are more issues than this but I think this would be a good place to start. I should probably point out that he uses his phone and the internet to go on twitter, facebook and football forums. Im not worried that he is texting someone else or anything like that. He is a techno geek and is surfing the net. The issue is that the net is more interesting that me. Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this whole rambly post x

OP posts:
Noren · 12/08/2012 08:56

Maybe you could start off by suggesting a "date night" where neither of you uses phones or computers etc just for the evening and have romantic meal together etc? Rather than making a negative about it, make it a positive exciting thing you are doing together. Then if it goes well you can talk about how you enjoyed it and would like to do it again.

It does sound like there's other problems, but maybe starting slowly could help with them. It's easy to get addicted to checking tech, we have to try in our relationship not to ignore one another for twitter.

thixotropic · 12/08/2012 09:06

Are you me?

No advice, but I can offer a hand to hold.

My dh ignores me in favour of the internet, in the car and in company just as you say. In the last 2 yrs I have got into mumsnet and spend time either reading my kindle or online.

He now frequently whines that I am always looking at a screen, and if I say I endured 4 yrs of being ignored he denies iit and pooh poohs me. Or claims he is Doing 'important staff's like researching utility deals.

I'm fucking sick of it, but don't see a way out either.

BikeRaceRunningRaceNoSkiing · 12/08/2012 09:09

The paid is the third person in our relationship.

DameEnidSpink · 12/08/2012 09:11

Seems to be the way of the world these days

I have a much younger friend who does this, it drives me crazy

cherrypieplum · 12/08/2012 09:19

I'm a little conscious of this developing. We are both a little fond of our phones. I'm also concerned I'm too fixated on it when breastfeeding sometimes. He's ways on Sky Sports, I'm always reading online/straight on mumsnet when he pisses me off

It's the TV that does my head in. On glorious days I want to sit and bake on the sun but DH stays in and watches repeats of crap sitcoms!

thereslovely · 12/08/2012 09:23

Having recently separated, I truly believe the day my ex bought a laptop two years ago was the beginning of the end of our relationship. At least when we had a computer in the downstairs office he was 'around.' With the laptop he would stay in bed on it in the mornings then come downstairs looking sheepish after I had got the children to school. We stopped watching television together as he was always on the flaming laptop. Of course he saw nothing wrong in this as he was pursuing his hobby and claimed he was 'learning.' Yeah right. I'm sorry but I would change things now but if he doesnt want to, I would prepare yourself for splitting up or facing an unhappy lonely existence.

fruitandbarley · 12/08/2012 09:27

Well this happened to me after 15 years of being with someone, he got a pc and ended up completely addicted, we never chatted, ate together, went anywhere, rarely had sex, couldn't go out or on holiday very easily and all he thought about if he wasn't on computer was getting back on it. It definitely wasn't other woman, just to clear that up before anyone suggests.
I asked numerous times for him to stop, reduce time on it, but he couldn't, until we eventually split up then he was devastated and said he,d sell it, but by then everything we,d had (which I now realise wasn't that good or strong) had gone and we had nothing in common and I didn't want to speak to him anymore anyway, in fact I went back for one night and we sat in silence before I told him he could go on his pc if he wanted just to get him out the room.
I suggest you talk to him and tell him everything about how your feeling. Write it all down first if you think you,ll forgot bits or get sidetracked, and I would start off asking him to try a Rota, ie. He's allowed on from 7-8pm, then you do things together.( have a list ready of things you would like to do aswell in case you get hit with "like what??"). I'd see what happens from there.

fruitandbarley · 12/08/2012 09:31

Oh, I did end up leaving by the way.
That was 7 years ago and I've never been happier, realised because of who I'm with now what I was missing.

threeleftfeet · 12/08/2012 09:38

This happens in our family but it's the other way round. I think I'm on the computer too much.

DP doesn't complain, although he teases me sometimes.

I do need to cut it down though I think.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 12/08/2012 09:42

Totally endorse your OP. my husband developed a very well read blog, had oodles of FB and Twitter followers and I wad also using FB and mumsnet.
We have three young children. I watched both if is telling them to wait/go away.... Because we were on the mobile devices.

He has now cancelled his blog and Twitter account, I only occasionally use mumsnet, and we have internet free Saturdays, including no texting ad well. It was hard for him, he was followed by politicians in 10 downing street and the white house, it was SO hard for him to stop. But he did because he us a mature adult who understood the potential dangers if our behavior, not a man child who plays online games. Please! (no intended offence to other posters' partners, just my HO.)

As for FB...its aCtually boring as fuck.

Think about the trivial shit people post on there. Why?

If your dh isn't up for breaking his online addiction, trust me - that is what it is - you have a hard struggle ahead. I wish you luck. We both recognised the third person in our marriage and cut it out.

MamaBear17 · 12/08/2012 09:42

Thanks to all who have replied. I have already decided that I cant go on like this. I have a time frame in my mind but it is hard work getting my husband to recognise the need for change. We end up having a huge row where he will say I am being completely unreasonable. He gets nasty and then later on will cool off, say sorry and promise to change, only for things to go back to the way they are after a day or two. At the moment he is sick of me pointing out issues within our relationship. I think he feels like I am continually moaning but in fact I am trying to communicate with him in the hope that we can fix things. I am trying to tell him when something upsets me so that we can work on not getting snappy at each other and then arguing. His fuse with me is so short. He takes everything I say as a negative and gets the hump. It is partly my fault because I am complaining more because I am sick of being a doormat. Compromising to make him happy does not work, he just gets ruder and expects even more. But trying to stand up for myself is causing massive issues. For example, the other day I pointed out that he had spoken to me in a nasty way over something trivial. He ended up going off on one. I stood my ground because he had been rude to me, he threw something I said a month ago (which wasnt a problem then - it was a silly joke) back in my face and turned it all around on me. Usually I would then say sorry and try and get on as normal. This time I didn't, I was right so I stayed calm and ignored him back when he ignored me. He ended up having to relent but was so annoyed at having to admit he was in the wrong. It is such hard bloody work. I feel like I need a suit of armour on at all times. Dont get me wrong, I know I have my faults, but I dont want to go through my life with a husband who is sarcastic, snappy, ignorant of me in favour of his phone and never affectionate unless he wants sex.

OP posts:
LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 12/08/2012 09:53

Um.... This is about much more than online usage. Can you talk to him about how he feels about your relationship - I mean, get a conversation started calmly, not one that has begun with an argument?

Standing your ground us what you should do. Sometimes I concede because it suits ME and because give and take is normal in a healthy relationship, but j would be concerned if this always led to my dh losing his rag. That would be very stressful for me.

fruitandbarley · 12/08/2012 10:09

Lost- ex partner, as I said, I left him and yes he was a man child. No offence taken. Addiction is addiction though, whether its games or important blogging.I'm just glad we didn't have kids.
I agree though that this sounds like op,s husband/partner is unhappy. Computer may be escape. Get on there and he can ignore everything.

MrsBonkers · 12/08/2012 10:27

Similar situation here.
Been with DH 10 yrs. Married for 2.5. 2yr old DD.
My internet usage has gone up massively because I was so sick of being ignored in favour of technology and now he says I am as bad if I mention it.
He can't be in the lounge without the TV being on, even if he's not really watching anything because he's on phone/laptop.
I've told him I worry about the message he is giving to DD by staying in so much at the weekends. I try to take her out to do more active things as I am overweight myself and don't want her to grow up the same, but why should the onus be on me to find things to do.
May as well be a single parent if he's not going to engage.

Sorry to go on about me, just wanted you to know you're not alone.

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