Lonely and bored of this life

[MummaMeercat]

So DH is out again doing business. I called him twice to confirm he'd be back for dinner and promptly bought something he particularly liked, then sat and waited. He was supposed to call on the way back so that I could cook it, (it has to be eaten freshly cooked) and we could eat together. Finally at midnight I called to see what the hell was going on and I got lot of apologies about losing track of time. So here I am, hungry and fuming.

A bit of background, he is from a different culture, so we both have to compromise on how we live our life. He considers a fun night out to be round his friends', smoking and watching TV progs from his home country or out in a coffee shop with the same male friends. However I am starting to feel more and more dissatisfied with my life. We have a beautiful DS, I do all of the childcare as DH is always working (self employed so no end to the day really). I do absolutely all the housework, organise the bills, basically personal assistant to DH - he calls me throughout the day with little jobs to do for the business.

The problem is, especially during these school hols, I'm struggling to keep it together. DS is constantly pushing the boundaries with me, I am so frustrated and stressed. DH seems to do/go anywhere he likes to in the name of 'business' to de-stress and I'm at home most of the time battling with DS/housework. I'm not good at being sociable so haven't bonded well enough with other mums to meet in the holidays. My other friendships have drifted a bit due to me being so busy at home. DH is, I think, quite controlling and easily jealous. For example, I wanted to go to a spa day with a friend and he said only if it was a women's only place. I can't be out too late 10pm if I'm out and about, 11pm if I'm at a friend's house. I feel so constricted/stressed/frustrated and lonely - I go to bed alone 3 or 4 times a week. I miss speaking to someone about my day. He doesn't seem to be interested in me as a person. Physically, he's always interested but just spending time with me not being physical - not really interested. He does tell me he loves me a lot but I miss the intellectual stimulation. I spend far too much time online - just reading, but sometimes I feel like it's my only contact with the real world. If I have a few words with anyone in the shops I feel so happy- then it hits me how lonely I must be to feel like that. I went to university and worked so hard on my education, I feel like I'm dying inside now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset I didn't have a huge career. I'm happy to be a SAHM as long as I have someone to talk to at the end of the day.

Sorry for rambling, I just needed to get it out I guess.

I'm someone who also wants to have someone to talk my day over with, so I completely get that! When my DH isn't around I usually find someone to phone instead.

How old is your DS? Is he old enough to chat with about his day and to listen to a bit about yours?

Are there any day or evening groups you could go to, exercise or book groups or art classes? What did you do at university to socialise?

Could you start a blog? It could be based around anything you are interested in, and need only take 10-20 mins a few times a week, but longer if you like. I'm sure mumsnet must have some blog experts. This would provide a different way of recording stuff that happens.

I hope you've had something to eat by now! :)

he's from a different culture, so we have to compromise on how we live our life

It seems to me that you're the only who's restricting compromising their lifestyle.

He's out whenever it suits him all hours 'doing business'? That's a good wheeze. And you've got a 10pm curfew?

What exactly do you get out of this relationship?

Thanks for replying, I didn't think anyone would this late. I wouldn't mind doing an evening group or something like that but it would be a battle with DH because of his jealousy. Anything that involves me possibly having to speak to other men would be a major issue with him. He says he has no problem trusting me, but doesn't want anyone trying to chat me up. I do realise how ridiculous this sounds as I type it.

DS is 6. He is lovely to chat to and he is quite a character, but I need a bit of adult conversation after a day with him. I'm very close to my mum, but she is also quite overbearing in the nicest possible way. I seem to have left my mother and gone straight into the control of DH. I've lost myself.

@ izzyizin
He has changed a lot since he first came here. He was quite strict about how I dressed. But over the years I explained how this was silly and he has eased up. I dress 'normally' now. Also, about me going out late, I have pushed it later and later on account of his late nights. Although I would never stay out until 4am like him, I wouldn't want to! There are other things I can't think of right now.

I do love him, I am generally happy to be with him. And we have a child together/have built our lives together. I guess I need the security of being in a couple too.

If you don't set about finding yourself, honey, I very much fear that you'll either be lost forever or you'll bite yourself on your bum when you realise that love isn't about control - it's about freedom.

Your husband does not get to tell you what time you come home. He can respectfully ask for a rough guide to where in the world you will be, and a rough guide to when you will be home but that is all. Do you know why this is?

It is because you are a grown women and not an object of his to dictate to and control.

Do you know why your beautiful DS is constantly pushing boundaries with you?

It is because he sees his father showing you disregard and disrespect and he knows no different.

I apologise if i offend BUT I could not give a flying fuck about people's culture, religion or whatever mambo jumbo they choose live their life by.

Simple fact remains, You live in Britain, no man has any right whatsoever to tell you where you can go, who you can see and how long you can be out of thr house.

If you allow this to continue you DS will grow thinking this is how women should be treated.

Your husband's job is to enrich and nourish your life. If you feel starved of adult contact, then he either comes home more regularly or supports you in making new friends and connections, ideally he should do both.

Repeat repeatedly.......

No-one, but no-one can tell me where I can go, who I can see and how long it will take. I am a grown women, where I go, who I see is my business and in w ston.

Whooops.... And my business alone

Stand up for yourself and your son will see how a woman should be treated!

DOI - Bloke

I think your husband needs to respect your 'culture' a little more and stop going on about 'other men' rubbish

And he needs to around more for you. Don't let domeone else dictate how your life should be. Sit down and have a chat.

He sounds like a controlling arse who sees you as a domestic servant cum sex toy. He doesn't see you as a person at all.

This man is totally taking the piss.

You're his wife, he should be treating you as his equal partner, not his maid/PA.

Like a PP said, there's not much compromise in the relationship, is there?

You give and he takes.

Don't let 'culture' excuse his shitty behaviour.

why did you EVER compromise your own self like this?
This isn't a marriage...

You wear these hats he allows you..mother, wife, housekeeper, PA/ doer of mundane jobs he can't be bothered to do, sex toy...slave to his needs in every way....and he allows you out occasionally if it suits him and his ridiculous criteria....

And you have just realised how crippled he has made you and are very lost....I'm not surprised!!

You need to step up and take back some control over your life...this is nothing more than existence imo....

what culture can ever be excused for this attitude your DH has?.... twisted, arrogant, belittling, degrading, exploitative, .....more than I can think of negative and destructive words....

On reading this the thinng that jumped out to me the most was that it sounds like you are a possession in his mind. They way you describe doing all the housework, childcare and ad hoc jobs as he requests throughout the day, coupled with him being happy to have sex but not take any other interest in you as a person makes it sound as though he sees you as a function of HIS life, who fulfills his needs in terms of practicalities and sex.

Where are YOU in all of this? Are you not more than another persons possession who they have control over and do not treat as a person in their own right? It sounds terribly terribly mysoginistic and as though he only sees you as a second class citizen, their to service his needs and the rest of the time when he doesn;t need something from you he forgets you! Two phonecalls so you can have his dinner ready and serve it to him and he STILL forgets your existence until gone midnight?

I'm so sorry but this sounds terrible. :-(

If I were you I would being to try and consider who YOU are as a person, sepearate to your husbands funtional possession. I really feel for you, it sounds awful.

This was my marriage in a nutdhell. He will not change so either accept it or leave. Sorry.

Meerkat, I'll be your friend! I work full time so does DP. But he has two other businesses on the side so I do get lonely taking care of DS too.
I feel like a I just do work and child as of late.
I moved to the UK because of DP but have never felt like I have an established group of friends here like I did back home.
Anyways I'll be here online if you want to chat.

can i ask which country he is from ?

In my view it is possibly because you expected marriage to be a joint thing, where you shared the work and the children, but ime that is often not how it is and you are understandably disgruntled.

I certainly felt that, as a sahm, but think now, looking back, that the problem (in me not feeling happy) was partly me not finding fulfilling things to do on my own. Instead I expected DH to provide most of the interest in my life and expected that we would do things together.

However, his interests weren't mine (and still aren't) and, OP, it is up to you to find something or some people to make your life fun.
I would suggest, though I know nothing about different cultural attitudes, that you take a matter of fact approach and tell him you are thinking of doing X as you need to keep you braincells alive/ or you are doing X because you need to get fit/ or you are doing X because you need to make some friends like he has, so have joined whatever to do whatever on a certain night of the week and he must watch DS.

The secret is to find what it is you want to do and to do it. No doubt he will have issues with any new freedoms you demand but (as you can point out) it would be better for your DS to see more of his DF and better for you to do something for yourself so hopefully he will come round to this.