So what is the usual script regarding an affair?

[MrsPenrysJones]

Scenario: Bloke having an affair, married with young children.....wife suspects but has no real proof and he denies all.......carries on having his cake and eating it......for how long?
what is the usual script in this situation? How long does the affair carry on in secret for? Does he finally decide to come clean when the OW puts pressure on for him to leave his family? Does he become overburdened with guilt and spill? Or keep going till the wife finally rumbles him and kicks him out?
Or is it none of the above?
Would like to know what to expect as forewarned is forearmed as they say.

I believe he starts picking out some of the things his DW is doing wrong - they are a ready made excuse for when he gets caught - she drove him to it. And if he plans/wants to leave DW he engineers the marriage to break down so he gets kicked out.

Goes cold and withdraws from the relationship, may be a bit of picking faults.... Then possibly one of 2 classics.... I love you but I'm not in love with you.... I need time on my own but I'll pretend I'm working on our relationship so I don't seem a complete twunt or behaves so badly you have to chuck him out but he's gulit free cos he didn't leave, he was made to leave.

Here is an earlier thread...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1485686-the-hes-having-an-affair-script

Thanks for the link Mad, will go take a look.

In my experience - he keeps going until the wife rumbles him with hard evidence, then strings both women along, bleating to the wife about how sorry he is and how he is desperate to "win my family back" while all the time keeping the OW on the backburner in case the wife doesn't take him back this time and to stroke his ego when needed.

I think being overburdened with guilt and spontaneously spilling without any prompting, or even when confronted, is very very rare.

Do they ever change their behaviour towards the DCs as well? You know, less patience always picking fault with them as opposed to the DW?

In my painful personal experience:-

Dp was distant
Phone never left his side
Always wanted to be out whenever possible
When first confronted with suspicions told lies (later said had dug too much of a hole to confess!)
Bought new clothes which for dp is an extremely rare occurance!

I dug more and didn't let go after further suspicions this year
Dp seemed to want me to know looking back
Before he confessed to everything he was more attentive to both ds and I

We are still together trying to work through the mess, dp showed immense remorse for what he's done to me.

Yes mrsp, they do in my limited experience. Less patience with family in general. Sorry you feel the need to ask these questions

He showed less patience with ds when he wanted to play games on his phone in fact at one point it was virtually snatched from his hands, still makes me extremely looking back!

Gravy - so so familiar!

Orm

Yes, the less patience thing. almost as though they have detached themselves emotionally from DW AND DCs.
Is this a guilt reaction do you think? Do they feel bad about what they are doing to their DCs (not so much the DW) and so lash out at DCs as it reminds them daily what they are doing?

Affairs do follow a pattern but some men who are cheating are more loving towards their wife,they are feeling guilty so they are suddenly happy to go along with shopping trip or visit to family,a cheating man who is feeling happy with OW may be in a better mood at home. An affair can go undetected by the wife for years/ usually it's the OW that gets fed up first as men are usually quite happy to have their cake and eat it. Most married men having affairs do at some point all tend to use the same lines:

I am only staying for the children, if it wasn't for them...
I love her but only as she is the mother of my children
There is no romance with her, I only want you
We only have sex occasionally and only as she might suspect if I don't
I have never felt this way about anyone
Sure you can all add some more?

The "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is very common. Easily irritated at home by wife and DC. Nit picking etc.
Then after discovery, I think the affair has a better chance of lasting longer if the husband says he's given up OW and commits to his family. A lot of them lie and say they're no longer in touch with/seeing/shagging OW. They may tell OW that they have to cool it for a while to get wife off his back, but many times the affair does continue after discovery. It's a rare man that will give up his ego boost so easily.
If he leaves to be with her, it tends to all fall apart pretty fast, from what I've seen.

From my very recent and painful experience - secrecy, taking phone everywhere and guarding it, disappearing for hours and refusing to say where, no interest at all in me or DS.

It only took about a week for me to realise what was goin on and guess to who the OW was. Then he said I drove him to it by being unloving and uncaring. Do not believe this and then try to be a better wife as I did for a while, it is not true, it's only to prevent his own guilt.

Continues being completely horrible whilst the affair continues (she is the only person who ever loved me, she is my soul mate, true love, you have no feelings, this is not about you this is about me and her).

Then when she dumps him after a couple of months no remorse and expects forgiveness and for everything to go back to normal with me. Needless to say that is not going to happen.

I've been trying to find the thread called Mid Life Crisis, a guide how to hurt somebody.....

But I can't find it to bump or link to.

The link posted above is a good one though.

Here's the link
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-Crisis-a-guide-how-to-hurt-people

It reads like an exact description of my H's behaviour but had to smile when I read it.

thanks for that Kaykat. I copied and pasted it to Word on my computer, but didnt save the link and Im at my parents at the moment.

It is incredible reading, yes quite funny at times, I have given copies to friends who have gone OMG, because it describes what my H did to me perfectly! but very sad that it applies to so many of us :(