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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed please

20 replies

boldandbeautiful · 11/08/2012 04:53

This is my very first thread but I have been a long time lurker.
I have been in a relationship with this man for the past six months. I have known him for longer as we work for the same company though in different departments.
I love him so much and he has been talking about marriage.
Now, we had a misunderstanding last week and I gave him the cold shoulder for a couple of days. I know this sounds childish but I was fed up with his moods!
Since then we have been ike strangers to each other which had crushed me terribly becuse I believe I am right in this instance and know that if I gave in, he won't understand how it hurts me(the quarrel was because of how he talks to me in public)
Yesterday, he made a half hearted gesture of reconciliation and truthfully speaking, I did not meet him halfwyay. I am now wondering if I should make a move now myself.I have been almost physically hlding myself back from going to him all the while.
My dsister has advised me not to but it is very very hard. I do not sleep, eat and I find tears welling up 5 times a day.
If you have read this far of my disjointed story, I thank you from the deepest part of my heart.
So am now querying myself whether I should go back and bridge the gap again as I always do or still try to wait him out?
Please what would you do?

OP posts:
izzyizin · 11/08/2012 05:20

the quarrel was because of how he talks to me in public

Run for the hills, honey.

Once you realise what an utter twunt he is your tears will dry up and you'll have no problem celebrating your narrow escape with a celebratory banquet -or 10--

izzyizin · 11/08/2012 05:40

You're fed up with his moods after six months?

What's there to cry about, or are you crying tears of relief? If not, you should be.

This man has got warning flags coming out of his ears and your twat radar should have pinged long ago.

You are so better off without this one, honey.

OhNoMyFoot · 11/08/2012 05:50

What else has your sister said?

Original poster
boldandbeautiful · 11/08/2012 06:01

I understand your point but not to do him a disservice, he is the most generous man, I have ever been with, but he has a temper, I do too. But while man boils slowly and I come out with some cool cutting words, (his words) his is of the flashing kind and he makes his dopleasure known immediately.
Hence the argument. I want him to keep matters of discord till we are private and not to burst out with it in public and coldshoulderd (does it exist?) him to prove a point but the whole stupid incident now escalated.

OP posts:
Original poster
boldandbeautiful · 11/08/2012 06:06

My Sis advised me to keep calm, not be anntagonistic or to go to make amends but to let him make the first move. Which he has done and I talked about above. My reception was not good so am now wondering whether to go to him or continue to wait him out and know his intentions?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 11/08/2012 08:26

Moody men who have flashes of temper aren't the sort of men you should be wanting to marry, OP. You could be in for many, many years of unhappiness. What if you had children together? Can you imagine how he'd be if you had PND or if you struggled to cope or if you didn't run the house how he wanted?

Another one here saying run for the hills. You may be able to get him to crawl and apologise now, but that will be just stored up for future resentments.

Scarredbutnotbroken · 11/08/2012 08:28

How does he speak to you in public?

danteV · 11/08/2012 09:12

Honestly OP he doesn't sound very nice at all. And to be fed up after 6 months shows you are possibly not looking at this objectively.
However, if you are correct and we are misunderstanding him. I will give you the following advice. Ignore your sister, playing games will not help. Your op states he has tries to make amends and you have reacted badly. To expect him to keep doing will result in him getting bored of trying win you round.
You are adults. So arrange to meet up and have an adult conversation about what upsets you and what you feel you need for the relationship to continue.
The giving the cold shoulder, waiting for him to come to then rejected him is only going drag this out.
That said I really think you need to think about if this is actually a relationship that can work and if its one you want to work.

squeakytoy · 11/08/2012 09:41

"he is the most generous man, I have ever been with, but he has a temper"

just because he is an improvement on a previous boyfriend, does not make him a good one though..

JUbilympiX · 11/08/2012 09:53

Please take this opportunity and stay away from him. You'll be running away in the dead of night with the clothes you stand up in and one bag in a few years' time otherwise.

dequoisagitil · 11/08/2012 10:49

I don't understand why in the first six months of seeing each other, you would be having rows and discord and huffing with each other regularly like this.

You ought to get along. There's a lot to be said for getting along. I'd say getting along is a pretty prime consideration for a good relationship!

You felt his olive branch was half-hearted, but now you're second-guessing your rejection of it because he didn't pursue it. You're thinking of chasing him. You would be setting a bad pattern, where you're always on the backfoot trying to please and appease.

It shouldn't be like this.

If you're constantly at loggerheads and stropping at each other, then you're going to spend all your energy 'fixing' the relationship and not enjoying it. And I do mean you alone - he sounds like he does the bare minimum of 'fixing'. Love is supposed to be fun, especially at this early stage. If it's hard work, then it's not right.

something2say · 11/08/2012 19:38

I agree with what everyone else is saying. If its not working at this early stage, then that is a precursor to the future.

What bothers me is that you had a fallout but you are the one doing the chasing to get it back together.....ok so the fallout in the first place is not good, but the fact that he is also not bothered about making it up with you is a concern.

He sounds like a man who wants his own way, and will put you down in public and have strops that you have to pander to. Sad as it is, I would file it under w for waste.

I dated a man earlier this year for 2 weeks - he made an issue every single day - to get things his own way - I called him on it and called it all off, then had a rethink and gave him one more chance, but he did it again even worse this time!

I realised (again) that if it doesn't work naturally, it isn't for me. x

angelpinkcar · 12/08/2012 00:10

Get rid hun, I have put up with a moody man for 11 years hoping that he will improve with age or I can change him, they don't and you can't so it's not your fault or problem. Have got two lovely DC's though just hope they don't inherit his not so sunny dispostion. x

susiedaisy · 12/08/2012 00:15

Only six months in and he's moody, speaking to you badly in public and making you doubt yourself, he's not a keeper op, honestly he's not!!

BertieBotts · 12/08/2012 00:28

Consider that what you percieve as generosity could be flashiness, if the generosity takes the form of very obvious, public gifts, it can be about ownership and showing off "Look how well I treat my girlfriend".

Or be aware he is not using it to buy favour, to make you feel indebted, that he expects forgiveness, adoration and/or sex in return for his gifts, perhaps not obviously, but more subtlely.

Even if the generosity is real it is still one good point among the red flags you've listed, I could almost bullet point them from your post removing only a few words.

Have a look at the emotional abuse support thread on here, you might recognise some signs which will make you feel Shock and take heed of the more awful experiences some people have had with relationships which started out like this :(

Don't marry him. Please. Not yet. After six months it's more likely he's trying to dazzle you with all these commitments so that you make one you really don't know him well enough to, and then it's too late (especially if you get pregnant by him).

Halfcups · 12/08/2012 01:01

I married someone like you describe and seven years on I m divorcing him. All the warning signs are there..... Only low self esteem on your part would allow you to want to carry on with him. There are 3 billion men out there. Don't waste another heartbreaking moment on this one. Move on......

glastocat · 12/08/2012 11:31

He sounds horrible.

izzyizin · 12/08/2012 11:43

3 billion men, so little time Sad

JUbilympiX · 12/08/2012 12:57

There is only one thing worse than wasting 6 months with the wrong man, and that is wasting 6 months and 1 day with him.

Find someone else.

Original poster
boldandbeautiful · 12/08/2012 13:57

Thanks all. I think I know all these but I was letting my heart do my thinking for me. His gifts re indeed flashy and conspicuous. I just wish that we did not work for the same company and to resign is impossible unless I find another job first. ( am not from/in the Uk and jobs at hard to find here)
Another worry is that am two days late. Early days I know but its still niggling. I dread going to work tomorrow because once I see him, the thoughts of trying one more time crash down on me again and leave me shaking again. Just making my moods go everywhere.

OP posts:
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