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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's left me and our son and I'm heartbroken

5 replies

niks10 · 11/08/2012 01:58

My son's father and I met 4 years ago and I got pregnant after a year which was very quick but he was made up and I moved an hour from friends and family so we could live together as a family. My hormones were terrible when I was pregnant and I must of been a pain but when out son was born I suffered with severe PND and the following 18 months were hell. I feel a lot better now although I still have bad days but last week he packed everything and left. I have felt really low and my confidence had been on the floor since having the PND so I have been on at him about marriage. I felt I had made a massive commitment to him by moving for him but had little in return but as I badgered him he got more angry and distant which in turn made me very needy. Recently we have had no sex life, constantly been irritating each other and arguing. he says the last few months he has switched off from me which has led to him snapping on this one day and going. I have burried my head, and as i feel i am quite a selfless person and have done everything for them both i stupidly thought that was enough. I have begged and cried at him non stop to come home, made a memory box and tried to make him see whats he's throwing away but he said this is for the best. he seems to be made of stone and is so strong but everytime he collects our son I am a mess when he goes and he normally just walks out annoyed as I am sobbing at him. I have read all this "give him time to realise" stuff but I am 30 and I not playing head games with I just want him to realise how sorry I am and how I promise I will never let it get that bad again. This has been a huge wake up call for me I love him so so much. I have a few issues I have never discussed to him, a main one is bulemia since my son was born and I am scared if I was to bare my heart completely it would push him further away. Please help I am distraught. Thank you x

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 11/08/2012 03:01

Hi op. I am very sorry you feel like this. I have no experience of anything you are going through but someone will be along soon.

My 2p worth would be to get yourself better. Stop the begging and crying when he comes over. My guess is he sees that and is greatful he doesn't have to stay.

Like I said I have never experienced what you are going through but I hope you can get better for your sake as well as your sons.

izzyizin · 11/08/2012 04:26

It sounds as if you haven't had much fun as a couple over the past 3 years, and it can be mighty wearing for anyone to have to deal with a depressed or emotionally draining high maintenance partner/spouse without any sexperiods of light relief.

Face the fact that you're not going to get him back by bawling your eyes out, clinging to his ankles, or guilting him into returning, and start getting your act together.

The more you cry, the more turned off he's going to be and the more he'll be convinced that there's nothing for him to gain by returning, so dry your eyes and resolve to stay tear-free when he comes to collect your dc.

Stop apologising, stop begging, and ditch the 'memory box'. It's guaranteed to irritate him - don't you think he's capable of remembering what he wants to recall when he chooses to do so?

Stay cool and calm when he's around. Don't ask questions about where he's been or what he's been doing and don't nag him - above all, don't mention the 'M' word and, if you can't find anything humorous and lighthearted to say to him, don't bang on about anything other than what your ds has been up to... and make his activities sound as jolly as possible.

There's no guarantee that he will want to return, rekindle, or otherwise resume a live-in relationship with you, but there's no harm in reminding him what he's given up on by being the woman you used to be; the one he was attracted to before the misery set in and you made him feel bad because you were feeling bad.

Of course, you might not have done anything to bring about the demise of your relationship and he might simply be an uncaring twunt who's not worth having back but that call is yours, and if you want him you're only going to re-attract him by dispensing honey rather than vinegar.

That's your game-plan sorted and in order to give it some oomph, get yourself to your GP, seek treatment for your bulimia, and get yourself some anti-ds to take at night after you're done with forcing yourself to throw up and before you go to sleep.

And don't bare your heart about that aspect of your life to him until you're damn sure that you've overcome this tendency to self-harm and that he's back home for good... if you feel that you truly need to burden him with what is essentially your problem, I suggest you wait until you've shared a couple of years of blissful harmony before doing so.

annath · 11/08/2012 04:53

Really great advice from izzy, a great post! I feel for you my dear, sounds like you are going through hell, but do listen to izzy's advice. And even though life seems horrible right now, things will get better eventually, I promise.

OhNoMyFoot · 11/08/2012 05:47

Totally agree. You say you can change and want to be different, well so far he's not seen that. Be who you want to be. Let him see you getting on with life. Let him see you get yourself together. No doubt he has heard these things from you before, actions speak louder than words.

OhNoMyFoot · 11/08/2012 05:48

Ps don't be so hard on yourself you've gone through alot

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