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Original poster

Don't know what to call this one!

28 replies

Brandysnap · 17/12/2003 10:39

I was going to change my name but can't be bothered.

I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment. My dh is bugging the shit out of me, he only has to walk in the room and I feel irritated.

We are part way through having a conservatory built and dh came home and told me that he had added to an existing loan to pay for its completion. Fair enough I suppose, except that I felt a bit put out that he doesn't feel that he has to consult me about money issues.

I asked him how much we owed on the loan and he told me. However, he has just rang and asked me if the letter from the bank had come, I said one had arrived and did he want me to open it to see what it was. He said no, which is very unusual because he doesn't normally have a problem with me opening his post. I opened it anyway and the loan is more than he said.

I rang him and told him that I had opened it and he said £2,000 of the loan was for my christmas present and I shouldn't be sticking my nose in and that it has got nothing to do with me.

I said I wasn't worried about the amount but that he had lied to me. He made several sarky comments and said if I was worried about money (which I'm not really), I should go out and get a job. That probably wouldn't be a bad idea though but he is so unreliable he would never turn up when I needed him to. His job comes first and its his money and its up to him how he spends it. Apparently he doesn't need to talk to me about where the money goes.

He's made me feel worthless and has shown me again that he doesn't attach any value to me looking after 3 young children and running the home.

Sorry this is so long, I don't even know what I'm going on about really. I'm dreading christmas, I have been for a few days now, I always want it to be special and it is always a stressful nightmare and a big anti climax.

Anyone got any opinions?

OP posts:
SnowyZebra · 17/12/2003 10:48

Your DH will spend £2000 for your Christmas present?!!! Please Don't take this badly, but that doesn't sound like you are unvalued.

bundle · 17/12/2003 10:51

I find his behaviour very odd. is it usual for him to spend so much on a christmas present?

GladTidings · 17/12/2003 10:51

Ouch Brandysnap!!

He may have had a right to be bit miffed that you opened his mail..... but he did go a tad OTT with the "Its my money, I'll decide" crap. And yes you have every right be angry at him for lying about the amount of the loan. Afterall it does effect you if its secured on the house!

Does he normally spend 2 grand on you at Christmas time???? Wow, that must be some present. I could understand him getting ultra sensitive and upset about the fact he had to perhaps spoil a surprise to explain about the extra money, but it definitely seems more than that!

Has he always had the opinion that he earns the money so the money has nothing to do with you or has this been a recent development?

Could he be under a lot of financial stress that he is trying to keep from you?

Whatever the reason he has no excuse for belittling you like that! Perhaps if you did go get a job he'd value how much you do at home much more once you don't have time to do it!

I hop eyou can talk to him rationally about all this once he has calmed down a bit.

roscoe · 17/12/2003 10:51

I would drop any expectations about xmas. It's only ever perfect on TV, which is why it seems like an anti-climax. You need to talk with your dp about the big issues. Have a joint account for bills etc and an account each for the rest so it's not just HIS money. Each month go through the finances together. They affect you both. Look at the option of returning to work if you want to. It sounds as though you are both feeling undervalued.

Original poster
Brandysnap · 17/12/2003 11:22

He's never spent that much on a Christmas present before. I can't imagine what it might be. It's irrelevant now because I won't be getting it anyway.

We do have a joint account that his wages are paid into and he also pays some into an account for me, so I don't have to ask him for money. He is happy for me to spend what I like. The problem arises when I query loans etc or extravagant purchases, like the car he bought himself earlier this year (he's already got 2). It is then I get told how it is his money etc etc.

It hadn't occured to me that he does value me because of the large present. I suppose the cynical part of me thinks it is guilt because he spends so little time here with us and because he bought himself the car.

I don't know what to think really. I think it is his attitude towards me that bothers me the most. He was effing and blinding at me and I know there were others in his office who would have heard him shouting at me.

OP posts:
GladTidings · 17/12/2003 11:25

Sounds like a bad case of the bruised ego, IMHO.

He feels a bit guilty for overspending and you reminded him of that..... the truth hurts etc... so he blamed you ie. it was all for your present.

I think that you should just ask him not to speak to you like that. If he does it again with his audience at work just put the phone down!

bundle · 17/12/2003 11:25

it's not his money. you have a joint account and you are part of the family 'firm', presumably looking after your children, which if you were doing it for someone else would be a fairly well-paid job. why will you not be getting the present? where will the cash go then?? sorry, I'm confused by this.

bundle · 17/12/2003 11:26

..and two cars? or is that 3??? gosh

Original poster
Brandysnap · 17/12/2003 11:32

He said if I had a problem with the loan, he wouldn't get the present.

Bundle, yes he has got 3 cars. He was supposed to be selling one of them and buying a smaller car with the money and using the rest to pay off some of the loan. He keeps delaying it though and I can't see him doing it. It is in great condition and therefore I'm not allowed to drive it and the kids aren't allowed in it. Defeats the object of having a second family car if only he is allowed in it!

OP posts:
santafio2 · 17/12/2003 11:34

oh god brandsnap I would be peeved about that! not letting the kids in the car, know wonder you got angry about him not telling you about the loan. It would make me angry too

bundle · 17/12/2003 11:35

I don't see the point of getting a loan (even when interest rates are fairly low) and having an asset that's hardly ever used just sitting there, deprectiating like mad! do you drive one of the other cars?

Original poster
Brandysnap · 17/12/2003 11:46

No, I've got a people carrier that I cart the kids around in. He has got 2 lancias (collectors items apparently). One of them isn't being used at the moment, it is just sitting there but he definitely won't get rid of it. The other one is his dream car and the one he got earlier this year. He alternates driving that and the Audi that he has got (that he is supposed to be selling).

OP posts:
bundle · 17/12/2003 12:37

I don't know....boys & toys, eh???

Original poster
Brandysnap · 17/12/2003 12:44

LOL Exactly Bundle!

In his defense this is his only hobby. He rarely goes out and this is what he spends his money on.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 17/12/2003 12:45

Brandysnap, you should have called this thread "am I being unreasonable? (9)" or whatever we're up to (see previous threads under other sbjects)...No, you're not being unreasonable, he shouldn't have lied, I wouldn't be happy about all the cars, let alone one I wasn't allowed (!) to drive and, IMO, you are contributing big time to the family finances by staying at home and looking after your joint children. I'm always banging on on this subject so I'll leave it there and £2k for a present? If that's unusual, that's some guilt...

bundle · 17/12/2003 12:46

He really wants to get out more...

StarryStressyHead · 17/12/2003 12:48

but not in his Lancias

bundle · 17/12/2003 12:51

he needs a nice ride on a bus, a trip back to reality

GreenSanta · 17/12/2003 12:52

Message withdrawn

SnowyZebra · 17/12/2003 12:55

Agree with everything WWW said.

Bozza · 17/12/2003 12:56

Sounds like he thinks he is entitled to make all the decisions and that is not on. You are obviously fairly well off as a family since you own four cars so maybe 2K isn't as much as it would seem to some of us.

You shouldn't really have opened the letter but thats all you've done whereas he really sounds like he's trying to control you.

My DH asked me last night if he could buy a pair of jeans when he gets paid (he works full time, I work part time). So maybe its me thats the control freak in our family! Actually I realise thats going a bit far but certainly I think all major decisions should be joint and I would go mad if he took out a loan without consulting me.

Bozza · 17/12/2003 12:58

How about equal say in money matters Green Santa?

GreenSanta · 17/12/2003 13:01

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Brandysnap · 17/12/2003 18:19

Green Santa, I think you've totally sussed me out actually.

Bozza - I don't think we are particularly wealthy. We live in a 3 bed semi detatched and are pretty normal. We have 4 cars because dh is a petrol head!

2K seems like a fortune to me but I'm sure it doesn't to dh. He is used to dealing with big sums of money at work and 2k is probably small fry to him.

I would never even consider spending 2K on myself but dh would if it was something he wanted. We seem to have totally different ideas about money, I go round the supermarket looking for bargains, he buys everything that takes his fancy, regardless of cost.

I'm dreading him coming home this evening. I think I'll probably have an early night just so I can clear off upstairs.

OP posts:
Jimjams · 17/12/2003 18:58

must be something about lancias. My dad has a lancia gamma coupe (collectors item as well- although not worth much) sitting in a neighbours garage- it hasn't moved for about 10 years.

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