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Original poster

Husband gone behind my back to MY daughter

25 replies

EdgeofGlory · 10/08/2012 23:38

Just had a blazing row with my husband, apparently I'm fruit the loop! Well if you become fruit the loop from being married to a man who cheats on you and you no longer trust him then maybe I am but that's by his doing.

Do I stay for the kids? Can't answer that - I've 3, eldest 2 from ex husband,3rd from current marriage. Husband has always supported all 3 without any complaint, no hesitation. But if I left.....there'd be no uni, a house sharing bedrooms, no driving lessons..........but uni is the big player for me.

I'm livid with him tonight, found emails with a work colleague referring to him as petal.....couldn't see a reply from him. My stance is - he had an affair 2yrs ago, I found out and went through hell BUT we're still together. He'd hurt me in the past texting setting etc....bit I stayed.

What I'm so furious about is that he's shouted at me tonight, called me a fruit loop.......but Sunday we fly on Hols with my parents......ATMOSPHERE....when really I want to.....well I won't say on here for fear if an arrest!!!!!

I'm currentlly reading the book by Andrew Marshall about learning to trust again......I'm just banging my head against a brick wall.

Just needed to share it with someone and didn't know where else to rant.

I'm sleeping I the spare room tonight so frosty day looming, packing for holiday.

Sometimes I have such hatred for him, he's turned me into a control freak with him but I adore my kids and want the very best for them.

Tonight I found out he'd been texting my 14yr old daughter to see where I was today because I didn't reply to his texts - that's really hurt more than anything he's gone behind my back to my daughter (from first marriage).

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 10/08/2012 23:44

So he's a cheat. With no real consequence. As he knows the material things are an issue for you, so he does it again.

Then drags your dd into it.

So why can't there be uni? Driving lessons on the go slow? Why let a gas lighter turn your kids against you?

ItsRainingOutside · 10/08/2012 23:47

Sorry this is making you anxious but are you sure you're not over-reacting? What else was in the text messages from his colleague over and above her referring to him as petal? Do you think it really so astonishing that he should ask your daughter where you were given you didn't respond to his messages?

Don't want to make you feel worse then you already do but I think you might be the one with the issues. Try giving him the benefit of the doubt or let him go. Your anger isn't healthy for either one of you, or your children.

Good luck.

Original poster
EdgeofGlory · 10/08/2012 23:47

He doesn't know my private thoughts about uni etc so he has no concept of my thoughts.

Yes he's a cheat.....and I can't forgive him, it eats me up like a cancer but what it has done is make me controlling over him and not wanting him to go on work socials, boys weekends away etc.

We had a silent meal at the local pub tonight so I suppose alcohol doesn't help.

I'm just so angry with him :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
EdgeofGlory · 10/08/2012 23:50

Itsvrainignoutside - such sensible words, I am the one with the issue big time because I don't trust him given his past. I over analyse, delve, but ultimately there's no trust........so I know what you're all going to say.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 10/08/2012 23:50

I am not surprised you are angry. But he will know your feelings....as he's made fuck all effort to repair it has he? And you are still there :(

Houseofplain · 10/08/2012 23:51

You think you are one with the issues :( ohhh op

dequoisagitil · 10/08/2012 23:52

Seems to me you have two choices.

If you believe he cheats on you, but the only way to achieve the lifestyle you want is to stay with him, then you need to accept that he'll continue to cheat and just get on with it & learn not to care.

Or if the cheating is unbearable, you find other ways to achieve what you want and take him out of the equation. I'm sure we here can come up with suggestions and alternatives.

What you can't do, is make him stay faithful by your willpower, anger, love or control.

Original poster
EdgeofGlory · 10/08/2012 23:53

He's made no effort at all...... After reading all the posts on here I told him he had no remorse, showed no respect and things had to change.....now I get a daily lunchtime phonecall!!

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 10/08/2012 23:55

So edge the issue is not you. It's him. What you gonna do? It comes to a choice really per dequos post unless he starts stepping up.

Original poster
EdgeofGlory · 10/08/2012 23:55

Allegedly he's been faithful since I found out about the affair 2yrs ago, the texting/sexting emails where prior to that but in the absence of a remorseful man I've spent 2yrs wondering, waiting, suspecting and in some ways wanting to find out so I have closure.......

OP posts:
NoComet · 10/08/2012 23:56

Are you actually sure he's cheating on you!

And as others have said what's wrong with ask your DD if she knows where you are.

You said yourself he's always supported her. Sorry she doesn't suddenly become YOUR daughter, just because your cross with him. He's supported her, she probably cares for him. You can't possibly expect him not to speak to her just because your Angry

He may even have been worried about you, oddly people do worry about their wives, even if it is them who are in the wrong.

doinmummy · 10/08/2012 23:57

I dont understand your last post Edge

Original poster
EdgeofGlory · 10/08/2012 23:58

The thing is I plan it all, leaving him etc etc then when I wake in the morning I panic or she 6pm comes I'm glad he's home to share the evening with, confusing!

OP posts:
Original poster
EdgeofGlory · 11/08/2012 00:00

doinmummy what I meant was it was 2ys ago so I'm supposed to have move on but I don't trust him so I'm just waiting for him to prove me right and do it again then I leave and get closure.

OP posts:
Original poster
EdgeofGlory · 11/08/2012 00:02

Starballbunny no not at all sure he's cheating now, on the past yes, email evidence.

It's the fact I don't trust him because he's been so untrustable.

What upset me was it felt like he was bringing my daughter into it and using her to check on me.

OP posts:
Toughasoldboots · 11/08/2012 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tallwivglasses · 11/08/2012 00:17

Another one here not understanding your anger at him contacting your dd Confused

What else did the email say apart from 'petal'? To me it's a jokey term of endearment, a bit like 'plonker' is a jokey insult.

Really you're angry because he should have been doing everything within his power to regain your trust - and all you get is a daily phonecall and accusations of fruit-loopery (mental illness in other words). Not nice. And really not good enough imo.

What's your next step do you think?

ItsRainingOutside · 11/08/2012 00:21

Why not sit down and try to have a calm and rational conversation about how you feel? Suppose he is actually loyal to you now, having learned a harsh lesson. Would you regret losing him? Do you want to work it out? If your resentment is such you can't forgive - ever - then it seems you have no other option but to agree how you're going to move forward, whether it's together or separately.

I know what it feels like to be with a serial cheat and you'll never feel the same about someone after the first time they go off the rails. My feeling is it never works out in the end but perhaps you can reach a compromise that works for both of you - if you want it enough,

doinmummy · 11/08/2012 00:22

Two years is a long time to have slogged on with this. It sounds as if you dont trust him and never will,which is understandable.

I think that even if he does cheat again and proves you right, you will stay with him. It's an awful situation to be in and I understand you needing a reason to split from him, but what is the point in living in this limbo-like state? Living with him but not trusting him. Waiting for the worse to happen.

I think you both need a sit down and honest discussion about your future together. Maybe a visit to Relate?

ImperialBlether · 11/08/2012 00:29

Why the hell aren't these men reading books on how to become trustworthy again?

Spree · 11/08/2012 09:13

It may have been 2 years since the affair but in that 2 years, what has he done to show you he is truly sorry, remorseful and fully committed to you?

You feel angry because you have been betrayed by the person you trusted most. It is normal to feel angry BUT if he has done everything he can to show you he has changed, you learn to let your anger go and recommit to the relationship.

Perhaps you could both read the Shirley Glass "Not Just Friends" book together?

peedoffbird · 11/08/2012 09:35

I don't get the uni and driving lessons thing. Of course your dc can still go to uni. If you leave and are on low wage dc will get full grant answer loan like my dd has and many others.

As for driving lessons they are not essential and dc can get a job to finance them.

Im saying this because I don't think these are reasons to stay with dp if you can't bear it.

squeakytoy · 11/08/2012 09:38

I cannot understand the issue with him contacting your daughter to find out where you were. That is a perfectly normal thing to do in any family and is not "going behind" anyones back.

ErikNorseman · 11/08/2012 10:08

If you have been cheated on it doesn't matter how long agI it was, you won't trust the person if they make no effort to prove they can be trusted.

porridgelover · 11/08/2012 10:36

Edge, your posts sound as if you are still very hurt and therefore angry about what happened 2 years ago. Those feelings dont seem to have been well aired (either with DH or a therapist). You say they are eating you.

So they push themselves up into anger over a phone call to your DD, and turns you into someone trying to control him.

Now, whether he cheats again is completely out of your control. Its his choice. You being angry, controlling, frosty, ignoring, loving, attentive or whatever will not make him remorseful, push him into the arms of another woman nor make him see how you feel. He has to decide that.

Your concerns about finances for your kids are neither here nor there, I suspect- it's a way of making him pay again for the hurt he caused you.

So.....it's down to communication isn't it. You need to tell him (if you havent already) how much you've been hurt. How long it will take you to get over it. How distrustful you feel as a result.

Then he either will or wont step up. His choice. Let him read books as ImpBlether says.

If he doesn't, then you have to decide for you can be bought for the price of driving lessons and university.
I hope you cant; you will give your DD a far more valuable lesson by valuing yourself more than any money can buy.

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