Is it over? Should I leave?

[NotANaturalGeordie]

I have posted before about DH's temper tantrums, and they seemed to end. After 3 weeks, there was another which I privately resolved would be the last. I mentally made escape plans, and decided when the next outburst occured I would leave. I finally told my mother and close friends about his past behaviour but - it hasn't yet happened.

However the arguments have continued up to this week. On Monday we had a pretty good one (DD1 hiding in her room, DD2 on my hip quietly crying) which wasn't resolved. Since then he has been really distant, not engaging in any conversation, not talking to me, not really playing with the kids (he's on holiday this week). He's done this kind of game playing before, for maybe a day or so, but this time I don't want to play any more. I do love him, but it all feels too hard. I don't want to get back on the merrygoround. I miss the man I fell in love with but this doesn't feel like him anymore.

I have no one to talk to in RL. I am alone, and lonely, and miserable. I don't want to get divorced, I don't want to break our family up. Will counselling help?

I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head, and to be able to pretend that I have some friends who care. Please be kind.

Well, I care, but you won't want to hear me say that I think you should leave him

I think you should have already left him, for what you are both putting your children through

him, because he's a twat who thinks it's his right to show contempt for his wife and frighten his children ...and you for thinking that if you wish hard enough for him to change into Prince Charming then he will

he won't

Thank you for replying. So should I just pack up and go? Do I tell him or seek advice first? I am about 300 miles from any family that I could stay with, so I will have to quit my job. I am due to start an MA at the local Uni in Jan, does anyone know if its possible to transfer to another institution?

Your dd was hiding in her room and your ds was on your hip quietly crying while their dps engaged in an argument?

Your dc are being adversely affected by the behaviour of both of their dps and if he can't get his act together it's time for you to stop this merry-go-round of misery for their sake.

If he won't agree to joint counselling with Relate or similar and seek anger management sessions, book an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and take the necessary steps to give your dc the childhood they need and deserve.

God I know its awful. I feel terrible. I have no one to talk to, to help me. My dad has cancer, my brother has depression. I don't know where to go or what to do.

Do you rent or own your home and is it in joint names?

If you're happy where you are seek legal advice with a view to requiring him to leave the marital home.

If not, make plans to move closer to family members who will be willing to give you any support you may need to build a new life for you and the dc.

As for your MA, make enquiries of alternative universities near to where you may decide to move.

no, I don't think you should pack up and go right now, unless you are in danger of course

but if you don't know the answers to those questions (such as the Uni course) get on the phone right now and start finding out because we can't answer them

if you put your emotional energy into finding a way out that suits you and your dc instead of forlornly wishing that he would change (and getting your confidence wrecked every time he lets you down again) then you could be in a much better place this time next year

(DD1 hiding in her room, DD2 on my hip quietly crying)

That should give you the answer.

it can be hard if you don't have RL help nearby

but you were an independent woman before you met him, weren't you ?

what makes youthink you couldn't be again ?

if you think it is him that has sapped your confidence, that is all the more reason to get out (while you still can)

oh, and it wouldn't be you that was "breaking up the family"...it would be him, by making it impossible for you to raise children how they should be raised, free of toxicity and fear

As the saying has it 'when in doubt do nowt' it would seem you're best advised to put any plans for moving on the back burner and get him out of the marital home so that your dc no longer have to live their lives in a war zone.

One thing's for sure, honey; nothing's going to improve for your dc until you take the initiative and kick their arse of a df into touch orbit.

First things first: get him out and you'll have the time and space to make longer term decisions that may involve relocating at a later date, maybe after you've completed your MA studies.

I second Izzyizin, you need to get support from, someone practical and without a vestage interest.If you cant get into Relate ,what about a local womens centre or even the personal dept at your uni. You may have to transfer elswhere and they will want to do the best for you.

your third sentence was about making escape plans, you need to take yourself seriously and consider that you may be living life with your husband which is untenable. Sending you all best wishes.

Again, thank you. I read other threads on here about how awful some DH's are, how they have affairs, gamble, are violent and my DH isn't like that. We have had a really difficult year financially and he is not happy about me starting the MA. I am torn between defending him and leaving him. It all seems so difficult.

Why should your h not be happy about your proposed MA studies? Is he fearful that you may outperform him academically or financially in the longer term?

Having read one of your other threads about your dd failing to pay due attention at school and at home it seems to me that, despite your Early Years studies, you're not seeing what's under your nose.

If it seems difficult to you, stop and think how it feels for your dc. If I was given the choice of living in a world of unhappy/warring parents or being away with the fairies, I know what I'd choose.

Please don't become a social worker. There's already far too many proponents of don't do as I do, do as I say and shoemaker's children in that profession.

What does 'shoemakers children' mean? Genuine question

Oh I see. Thank you for your support and advice.

please ignore that advice about your career options. However, a lot of relationships break down during social work training because you are forced to be very reflective and this can shine a light on a dis functional relationship.

It's truly horrible to argue like that around children. Something has to happen.

You don't want to break up the family, do not want to get divorced, fair enough, I really understand. It took me years to get it that he, on the other hand, wasn't that bothered, hence comparative situations ( dc1 hiding and dc2 quietly crying in my arms. And many other things).One, or a few, financially difficult years don't excuse everything. You know what is important, what really matters - DCs feeling loved and safe with their parents. Money is one thing, it can be so tough, but your DCs childhood can not be replaced or differed.
It IS too hard, being in a mariage when one party has checked out without having the guts to say so.
Take your time, weight your options.
You're not alone.