I feel that my DP isn't excited about my pregnancy.

[honeytea]

I am not sure where the right place to post this is, I guess it is a little bit of AIBU a little bit of living overseas and a little bit of relationships.

I have a lovely DP, he is a great man and I love him very much. I am 23 weeks pregnant and the baby is really starting to kick and respond (I think) to sound and taps on my tummy.

I live in my DP's home country (I am English.) We decided to live here as it is an amazing place to bring up kids. Mostly I like my life here, I have made some nice friends and I look forward to bring up my son here, having said that I do miss my family and friends so very much.

The thing that really upsets me is that I feel so alone now I am pregnant, I hear people moaning about other people touching their bump and I feel the opposite, no one touches my bump or speaks to the baby. My DP has felt the baby kick a couple of times but he isn't that bothered. He doesn't speak to my bump he says he doesn't know what to say. I would love to be close to my mum or my friends, my mum had a baby when I was 18 and I'd sit and feel my little sister kick all evening, I always imagined it would be the same when I became pregnat.

I just wish my DP was more interested in the baby, I went to my 20 week rescan alone (the baby was not easy to measure the 1st time) they gave me a DVD of the baby so my DP could see his son again, it was about 5 mins long and my DP was bored :(

I think I do expect more from him because my close frinds and family are so far away, if he was so uninterested but they were around to be interested it wouldn't be so bad.

We tried for so long to get pregnant, we were just about to have a cycle of IVF when I became pregnant. I just expected him to care more :(

I am aware I'm very hormonal.

I don't often post in relationships because there is often more to the story and I don't see myself being much help on the topic of relationships.

But I do have something to say about persons uninterested in pregnancy, if that's really the problem.

My DH was very keen to have a baby, much more so than me. He did not get sentimentally invovled in the pregnancy at all. He thought that the violent kicking later on was pretty cool, but there was no other bump love. I think that you can get an expectation from material like "Emma's Diary" that men will be interested in this sort of thing. He never offered to lift or carry anything for me in 40 weeks, which was fine but made me feel a bit odd when other people did.

It didn't bother me much, I trusted to the fact that he just saw the thing as quite a natural and normal part of life.

Upshot - he's a great father. His calm acceptance that he knows how babies work despite never having cared for one or read anything on the topic, and his belief that it must be mostly a matter of instinct, brings great balance to our lives. He loves dd more that he can say.

Don't let books like the "Bloke's Guide to Bumps" raise your expectations of how men ought to behave around pregnant women!

HOneytea, I think people often place very big expectations on people on how they 'ought' to feel during pregnancy, for both the woman and the man. I didn't talk to my bump much, wasn't interested in playing it classical music, and generally viewed the whole thing with vague fear about the birth. But I love being a mum.

Nothing is happening in his body, he's coming to the scans, he's listening to you, I don't think his failure to speak to the bump is any indication of what a great dad he'll make.

I think you feel lonely and are missing your family and friends. Is there an opportunity for you to visit/speak to them more often/make new female friends where you live? I think this is much more of an issue than him not talking to your bump, and would worry that your feelings of loneliness and lack of companionship are only likely to increase once the baby is born if you don't act now.

One person cannot provide everything, they just can't.

Sorry you're feeling like there's no one to share your excitement with. I agree that you should try to find it from other people. The bump love thing is not universal. I'd have felt daft talking to my bump and hated all the touching/rubbing stuff (still do when I see pregnant women doing it) and it didn't mean I wasn't very excited about my ds. Some people just don't go for all that and perhaps it won't truly become 'real' for him until the baby arrives. Then it will be all about the three of you, so I would try to enjoy each other as partners for now if possible and call or visit your girlfriends for the other stuff.

My DH was pretty much the same, was completely uninterested in the babies development (I'd look everyday in my baby book to see what was new in the pregnancy). I'd try and get him to talk to the bump, feel it moving etc. But like yours, he couldn't have given a stuff.

That said, as soon as our DD came along he was the doting father :) wouldn't let her out of his sight, did more than his fair share of changing nappies, feeding etc.

It doens't mean because he's not interested in the pregnancy, he won't be interested in the baby.

I think Scandinavians, and men in particular are a lot more matter of fact about pregnancy. I do find the Brits slightly over the top and totally Ga Ga on the topic. Sorry. Never seen so much Oooh and ahhh and awwww, as when it comes to pregnancy as in the Uk, well, maybe on par with American teen sitcoms, to be honest....

My DH was the same too, I'm 31 weeks and he hasn't really been able to relate and feels a bit silly talking to the bump but I understand that now and so try not to worry (not easy I know) You want to feel special during pregnancy don't you?

He will help me out in pratical ways, as that 'makes sense' to him iyswim? Lifts to work due to my SPD, putting up nursery furniture, buying stuff etc. He also pretends to listen when I prattle on and on about baby!

BUT his twin brother has just had a baby girl and I've noticed a change in him, keen to talk about names, feeling bump without being prompted etc, so I think for a lot of men it's about it becoming real to them - and when it does, at whatever stage that is, they'll step up to the mark and be a great Dad :)

Not that he is a great example, but ex didn't seem to care that much about the pregnancy either.
But he did become a good dad and he loves DS.

I think a pregnancy is a very intimate thing, and we feel it much more because the little one is inside us.

Some men may be great, but others may have a hard time relating to something they can't really see and doesn't look much like a baby even when seen on TV.

My DH was never interested in feeling kicks. If I held his hand to where the baby was kicking and it stopped he'd never leave his hand there until it started again. I'd envisioned him being as excited about it all as me. He would not have "talked to the bump" if you had held a gun to his head.

He is, however, a wonderful husband and father.

Thank you for the replies, I do think lots of my feelings come from wanting him to be everything for me a DP/friend/family. My friends in Sweden are lovely, I actually think it is more me than them, I am not an overly touchy feely type apart from with my very close family/friends.

It's good to know he still may be a good dad. I try to give him choices about the baby, I'm open to letting him decide on the name and I will reluctantly give the baby his last name. I am a little worried that he may think a newborn is dull in the same way he thinks the kicking is dull, I guess time will tell.

The bump talking is important to me as I not only want the baby to hear it's dad's voice but I want the baby to hear Swedish, my Swedish is ok but I still sound like an English person.

There is a massive cultural difference between Sweden and the UK, I don't want to be treated like a godess but a little interest from him and his family would be appreciated.

Your baby will learn Swedish after it's born! Seriously, I think the more pragmatic way around bumps, babies and children is much more sensible and better in the long-run. my friends from these Nordic countries are really great with their children, but also don't coo and ahh too much, neither do they over-discipline them. I think in the UK, it's all a bit extreme and not entirely consistent rather than being more matter of fact that children are part of a wider life.

I would also say it is not just men who are not gaga over bumps. I wasn't over mine. I did not feel bonded before the baby was born. I wasn't even that excited, more apprehensive. What I'm trying to say is that there are lots of paths to fatherhood and motherhood and people respond to these stages differently.

My husband comes from another culture and found all the involvement, 'ahhing' from men over bumps, breathing along with the mother in labour, (by the PC guys in our antenatal classes) in the Uk quite weird. He had never seen anything like it. Which goes to show it is more about cultural expectations than anything else. He's an amazing father. Let him find his own way.

Does your DP never talk to you?

Your baby still hears his father's voice. Don't worry. :o

As he hears yours, even when you are not talking to him.

TBH, I didn't talk much to the bump. I think only very few times, telling him to be fine or else, when I watched women with pregnancy problems on tv.
I did poke him quite a bit, though.

And newborn babies are dull.

Luckily for them they are massively loud when crying and demand our attention.
Then they start smiling and then grabbing our hair and clothes, then they start sitting up, then crawling, then walking...

Next thing you know they are speaking in Swedish and English, play football with dad, and are useful members of society.

Don't worry - I think it's quite common for partners not to be very interested during pregnancy. My OH never spoke to or sang to or massaged my bump, and I didn't expect him to either. I think it can be hard to understand what a woman goes through during pregnancy, it can be quite overwhelming for the woman, she's growing a person, her body is changing very fast etc etc.

I'm a father and I must admit I found it very difficult to relate to my (then-) DP's pregnant bump. Intellectually I knew my child was in there but emotionally it was harder to grasp. There didn't really seem enough "there" to bond with. Plus, as it wasn't my body that the child was growing in, it wasn't constantly on my mind in the way I'm sure it was for my DP. For the most part my life carried on as normal.

Once my son was born, however, everything changed. He was a tiny little person in his own right and the center of my universe.

My DH was interested in my newborns, but it's interesting - when they were very little, they were both most definitely more 'mine' and then as soon as they became toddlers they both became more 'his'. Not in terms of our feelings, we're both nuts about them, but in terms of theirs, who they run to/ask for/idolise etc. So even if you feel like you're having to take the lead for now, I'd try to enjoy it because it mightn't last and before you know it daddy will be the big favourite! Literally as soon as I stopped BF my second ds at 18months, he practically forgot about me and became a total daddy's boy. It's funny, when you're first pregnant you have all these ideas and dreams about how it'll be and then you're forever having to come to terms with the reality that it's all beyond your control really.

Same here, 34 weeks with first baby and DH doesn't talk to bump (much although can be prompted into a comment) and isn't bothered by feeling kicks. However he does massage stretch mark oil into bump and is very protective of me, and is doing all the practical stuff in the house - that's what he relates to more easily! I'm sure that both your partner and mine will be able to bond with the baby once it's here though.

My DP was just the same when I was pregnant, and all the way up until ds turned 1. It was a very lonely time for me.

Now ds is 2 and DP is brill with him, spends as much time as possible with him.

Even though things are great now I still have resentment of what he was like. We've talked about it since and come to the conclusion he was suffering some form of male PND. It's totally put me off having another though!

Have you spoken to him about it? It's important you get all the support you can.

Theres a saying that "A woman becomes a mother when she's pregnant. A man becomes a father when he holds his child" and I found that to be true.

We went through IVF a couple of times, and of course he was delighted when I finally got pregnant, but whilst supportive he wasn't as wrapped up in the whole pregnancy as me.

The second DD was born though, his world turned upside down. As Pinkdelight said now DD is 20 mo she is most definately a daddy's girl , completely focused on him. Actually I'm a bit

All I can say is that a woman becomes a mother when she finds she's pregnant. A man doesn't become a father until he holds the baby. It's just how it is. He'll change.

Thank you for the advice, I am going to enjoy being the one that feels our little boy's every move for now :)

I did talk to DP about it and he ddn't realise how much the baby moved, he spent a while this morning feeling the kicks and enjoyed it was choosing which olypic sport DS is bound to be good at, it's either cycling or kick boking according to DP

I think my emotions have been a bit crazy recently, maybe a hormone surge or something.

Thank you again :)

"A woman becomes a mother when she's pregnant. A man becomes a father when he holds his child"

Can't agree more. My lovely DP was generally quite crap during my pregnancy (especially considering we moved house twice!) and didn't interact with my bump, he wouldn't have a clue how to, didn't feel the kicks really at all. The only thing he appreciated was at the end when my stomach was moving independently. He is a wonderful Dad and DD is the centre of his world, but it wasn't until she was born that he felt that.

I can completely understand why, in your situation, you want him to be more involved. Have to explained to him how you feel? But his behaviour at the moment sounds quite standard for a lot of men during pregnancy, and has absolutely no reflection on how he will be when his baby is put in his arms.

I was quite disappointed in dh's response to pg - just as you describe. In particular, I remember being quite hurt that he didn't seem interested in feeling the baby move. It still mystifies me really after we went through so much to have dd. But he is a very doting father. I also had no other family around and had recently moved so no-one to share the pg with really.