Fighting Back - Reporting Historical Rape

[Bobits]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1482961-I-confronted-my-rapist-warning-tmi?pg=1

At 27
In July 2012,
I reported to the police, my ex-partner for rape.
3 years to the date.

I knew
I'll be branded a liar, psyco... why is the crazy ex bringing this up now?
I KNOW my word/his word = zero chance of conviction. But to me it doesn't matter the damage has been done.
But if he ever does it again/hurts our daughter - she will be believed - because he's done it before.

The police asked if I was aware what a serious crime rape was and it's consequences,
In light of that we now had a daughter together,
And my reason for reporting was not genuine.
I know nothing of police procedure.
I've never been accused of rape, or convicted of rape.
I know nothing of these things.

All I know are the consequences. Of being a victim.
The fear and the vulnerability.
The choices made to try to stay safe.
The damage that follows.
12 years of damage in one simple question.
And in that question I no longer felt like a survivor, I felt like a victim.

I had to go back to a place where I felt scared and vulnerable.
I was scared I would stay there and bring that feeling back here.
And everywhere, with everyone I would feel unsafe.
But I got through and am still here.
I am still sober.

Even though I know there is no chance of conviction...

I don't know what is in the head of my rapist. I have an idea during the rape he had feelings of excitment and power - "will anyone interupt me", "can I remove her underwear with out her waking up" "I did, I'm going to get away with this", "I can do anything I want".

If by reporting this, him being questioned by the police is added to his memory of that night.
If he is ever in a similar position, and is triggered,
If this extra memory of this experience makes him think twice,
If it protects someone else from going through it too.
It is worth all the damage.

Because we have a daughter,
My ex-partner is pushing for seeing her on his own.
Because the truth of what he did is too big,
He is in denial and can't hold that truth.
He doesn't want to see the risk.
So he can't take action to prevent it.

So I keep having to go back to a scary, vulnerable place.
To keep telling the truth again and again,
To Court, To Social Services, To solicitors.
Because the only evidence I have
I carry in my heart and head.
I have to go back,
To keep our daughter safe.
It is the only choice I have
Because she is worth it.

This post may be triggering

At 15,

when in town with friends drinking, I got separated and had to get a taxi on my own to the friends house that I was staying with.
I was raped in the taxi by the driver.

During it, I had no control over what was happening.
I remember I focused on one thought 'I am going to die'
in the context of 'I'm going to be chopped up and dumped in a ditch'.
I was there, but have no memory of him inside me, I blocked it out.
But a few things stayed, vividly. The feeling of his weight on top of me. His smell. What he was saying to me. If I close my eyes, I can be there again.
After, I remember I did'nt know where we were going. As I was going to a friends, I didn't know the way. I remember fear and panic. The thought 'where are we going', 'what's going to happen next.'
The taxi driver drove me back to my friends, and as I was still really drunk, even helped me to the door. I was so confused and shocked.
The next day, I woke up clean - muzzy headed but clean. Then I remembered, and reality hit me and I felt it in my stomach, what had happened.
I remember being angry. I was so cross the taxi driver hadn't charged me, how dare he?!
I was obviously angry that he had raped me but couldn't confront that reality, too loudly, out in the open in my mind because that would make it real.
I went home. I sat in a ball in the shower and cried. I remember the blood.
I remember sitting in class the next week, in English, randomly, back to 'my life'.
That night was 'in a box' away from my life. But it wasn't, it was part of my reality now.
It hurt so much I couldn't sit properly, I remember sitting with my leg bent at my knee with my foot tucked up beneath me so I was more comfortable.
I felt sick in my stomach with shame and looked at no-one.
I told the friends I was with but that was all.

In the six months that followed,
I drank.
I put myself in horrible places with people I didn't want.
But it was ok, because I said yes. I was in control. I was taking it back.
If the situation was going somewhere I didn't want, out of my control, I didn't say no.
I was afraid if I did, it would happen again.
I was, without realising, adding layers of damage and pain.
Because I was making choices to try to fix a very bad experience the wrong way.
Because I didn't know the right way.
The experience I had, left a mark on me, of fear and vulnerability.
I didn't know how to make it feel better or how to take that away.
Except when I was in that place again, but in control of a choice the taxi driver never gave me.
And when I wasn't in that place, I was scared and vulnerable that it would happen again.

The rape eventually came out, the school, parents knew, the police had to take a statement because of my age. I got tested and councelling.

When I spoke to the police, the woman, Karen, who took the statement, made a reference to me being in the wrong for drinking.
The damage that left, stayed with me.
I will never forget what she said.
To me,
she said if I hadn't been drinking, it wouldn't have happened.
She told me, all my fear, my vulnerability, my shame, my damage was my fault.

But I didn't want it to be real. I wanted to keep it in a box. I wanted to keep the feelings away.
I NEVER talked properly about how it made me feel because it didnt. I always maintained "it happened, I can't change it, no point in dwelling on it."
I kept all the shame and damage inside me. Scared to let it out. I tried so hard to bury it and not confront it. But it was always there.

I know I'm doing the right thing,

But could I please have a hug?

((hugs)) ((hugs)) ((hugs)) for the first time you were victimised by a predatory male.

((hugs)) ((hugs)) ((hugs)) for the second time you were taken advantage of by a dishonourable man.

((hugs)) ((hugs)) ((hugs)) for the ordeals you've undergone through absolutely no fault of your own and for any adversity that may come from your bravery in reporting your ex

I wish that real and virtual hugs could take away your pain, but I know that only your steadfast courage will get you to a place where you realise, and know with every fibre of your being, that there was nothing you could have done to prevent these perpetrators from committing criminal offences against you.

As for the policewoman who should have been drummed out of the force spoke out of her arse, she's typical of a certain breed of morons who prefer to believe that rape is something that only happens to those who ask for it because to think otherwise is to admit that we are all vulnerable to unwarranted assault and attack - and that thought doesn't help some sleep easily in their smug little beds.

You have nothing to reproach yourself for and everything to be proud of in the way you've overcome events that you were powerless to prevent.

I've been adding a 'thought for today' to another thread in the hope that it will help the poster get through a particularly testing time. It occurs to me that one I added yesterday may have some paticular resonance for you.

The thought is "Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go". You're invincible, honey - circumstance may shake you but nothing can break you.

Thankyou Izzy,

I don't doubt myself, or my resolve

And I don't even blame others for not understanding, to get where I am took alot of work on me to let go of self blame - It's was natural response, to make it safer - and is hard to overcome.

It just hurts when others who don't understand doubt. Or they don't want to see the truth - some truths are too big :(

But I am happy for where I am, and do not look back regretfully, as I could not have prevented these things - Only my rapist could.

There are no mistakes. Only choices.

Your post was triggering and very upsetting. You are so brave. Brave to go back and report it. Very brave xxxxxx

I am so sorry houseofplain, I didn't mean to upset you.

I had to get this all out somewhere safe.

I am sorry xxx

I'm ok, you are really brave x