Eurgh, horrible evening

[Phacelia]

I just needed to write this down somewhere, not sure who to talk to in RL.

I saw my ex this evening; we split up because of his horrendous depression and refusal to do anything about it. It was a hard decision but I've been much happier since we split, and he seems to have improved a little.

Anyway, we've stayed friends, more for his sake because I think he wouldn't have coped if I'd cut all contact, but I only see him every few weeks for some supper. Recently I've come to the decision that this can't continue because I need to move on with my life (we're 7 months post breakup), I suspect sometimes he thinks we're going to get back together, and I just get dragged down when he doesn't look well because I worry so much about him. And I learnt a long time ago that there is zilch I can do to help him. He simply doesn't want help.

I had thought I was going to tell him my decision tonight, but he arrived for supper looking awful. Barely talking, etc. It was really awkward all evening. He then announces that his dad is at death's door because of cancer. He is absolutely falling apart (and has been since the diagnosis). Obviously I'm very, very sad for him because it must be horrendous to lose a parent, especially when you're not sorted in life (he's 40 and has a crappy job, no house, no money, single, all thanks to his depression but is extremely able/intelligent/hard working) but I'm also really frustrated because I can't say to him right now that I can't see him any longer, despite that being what is best for my happiness. I hope that doesn't sound too selfish. It goes without saying, really, how sad I am for him first and foremost. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm at a point where I want to move on, start dating, not worry about him, not see him etc. For 19 months I've spent countless hours worrying about him and I want more from life than that.

I think I'm just going to have to be there for him for the moment (I do care hugely about him). I can't see how I can do anything else. And that feels so claustrophobic. He isn't robust, he isn't coping, I can't plunge him into yet more despair. But spending even an hour with him right now is awful because I'm quite vulnerable to being dragged down by his low moods and I need to protect myself.

Thanks if you've read all that.

You didn't cause him, you cannot control him and you cannot cure him.

You were put on this earth for you.

And, do you know what? Death is part of life. Our parents die. It actually isn't the end of the world. It is sad, of course, but it is NORMAL. There are none of us immune from life's events.

It must be incredibly hard for you. You're right - it does sound like the honourable/nice thing to do is to continue to be a support to him; you clearly care about him and he's in a bad place.

But that might seem less daunting if you also try to detach a bit and, even if only in your head, see it as just supporting a friend rather than an ex. And really, that's all he is now, isn't it? You'd still worry about a friend, obviously - that won't go away - but it is a little bit more removed and it might help with your moving on. You know there's no romantic future, even if he doesn't yet - you can support him and still have your life.

I totally agree, but it's hard to disconnect when I care about him.

And I also agree that death is a part of life. His Dad is in his late 70s, it is an entirely normal process and he has had a great life; 4 children who adore him, an interesting career, perfect health his whole life, a good marriage, a good retirement. I assumed when I first found out about the diagnosis that my ex would be very upset but deal with it and focus on all those positives, but he hasn't, he fell apart right from the beginning and has never got beyond that. It has been shocking just how much he has fallen apart. I don't know if that's linked with the depression or not.

Hi Phacelia

My brother has had severe depression for around 8 years now - he is on anti-depressants, has spent time in the Priory and sees a Psychiatrist regularly. At various times we have tip-toed around telling him bad/difficult news because of his depression and we have never regretted it.

However, I don't spend time worrying about him. I will not allow his depression to control my life. My advice to you is this:

1. verify if you can how poorly his father is - is he dramatising the diagnosis?

2)Once you know the diagnosis for certain you can decide how long you may want/need to continue to offer support.

3. Is there any way you can 'share' this burden with his siblings/mutual friends? Can you begin to txt him regularly/weekly/occasionally and see him less?

4. you are right to put your own happiness first. You should not feel guilty about this and you should protect yourself from the unhappiness that caring for a depressive can bring.

5. There will never be a 'right' time to tell him that you want to move on. If he is 'up' it will bring him down, and if he is 'down' it will send him further. This is not your responsibility. Be gentle, be nice, and don't lie.

Good luck.

Hassled, I think you're right. I think dating will help that process of detaching. It has just come as a shock when mentally I was entirely ready to move on and now I'm stuck in something big and sad and horrible that is overwhelming.

I'm about to go away/get busy for a bit so that will be a good excuse not to get too involved. Luckily at least he has a small group of very close friends so he has got good support there.

He simply doesn't want help

Thank you Geordie and I'm sorry your brother lives with this awful condition. It seems to me you manage it extremely well, when I know it can be such a worry for families. I think you speak a lot of sense in points 4/5.

I know that he has been rung to get home next week as a matter of urgency, his father's cancer has spread rapidly (idiot man told me whilst laughing that he had had symptoms for 6 years and just ignored them so it was advanced when they found it), he is on morphine and can't stand anymore. I only try and text my ex 1-2 a week as it is (which was feeling too much). I guess if his dad passes away soon, I will be away then, (away off and on for the next month) but I'm not up for going and spending hours sitting with him while he grieves if it happens after that anyway because that would feel way too involved for me (and I have my own issues around bereavement so I'd be risking my mental health. Obv I would have done that had we still been together though)

Thank you everyone, I so needed to share this and you're all being so helpful.

I mean his father was laughing about having ignored it for years, in case that wasn't clear.

Thank you Lady, I really need to hear that right now. God knows I half-killed myself trying to help him when we were together. It's hard, I have moved on in so many ways for the last few months, I was nearly free, iyswim, and certainly much happier, so as you say I need to find a way of offering support without getting sucked back in. Will have a think about what help I can offer without it being too much for me. Probably will involve texting/emailing, meeting up somewhere neutral very occasionally if he wants to but not more than we've been doing.

Wow, MN is so wise at times, I think the advice given already is great.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. You sound like a kind caring person, but you really are not responsible for your ex. It sounds like he does not want to try to address his depression, I suspect that until he makes this type of decision, no one can really help him.

My Dad has cancer (at 62), my step father is also currently undergoing tests and I am really worried that he too has cancer (I hope this doesn't sound like competitive complaining). I'm devastated about this but have had to make a conscious effort to keep a positive attitude as much as I can, for the rest of my family and myself.

Good luck OP.

I think you are right to limit your offers of help. In fact, I would not 'offer' any help. Let him make the first contact, be gentle and kind but don't show any initiative, no suggestions of meeting up, no long telephone conversations, let him txt you first and don't feel you have to reply immediately. You say he has close friends, encourage him to lean on them.

Yes, you're right. It's how I've been doing things for the last few months anyway; letting him make first contact so I will stick to that.

Eurgh, I feel horrible. For him, but feel sorry for myself too for all the hours I lost to worrying myself silly about him and getting sucked into his misery.

I know. When my brother had a breakdown which began his depression, and for the first year or so I got very sucked into the whole circus of up days and down days. I would sob after his phonecalls to me (he rang me at work, at home, there were no boundaries) until my DH called me on how my attention was taken from my children and the emotional drain my brother was putting on me. So I started to reduce contact. For my brother, this was in the short term very difficult but in the long term a positive thing, as he had to learn coping strategies of his own and develop resourses close to home (we live 300 miles apart). I still think that he may never recover and I (this is a terrible thing to think) worry that he will not survive the depression. But I have learnt that I cannot save him.

It is very scary that someone with severe depression will kill themselves, isn't it? But I have had to say whether he does or doesn't, that is his choice and there are options out there which can help should he wish to seek help. And that me getting upset/involved doesn't actually change how he feels.

Honestly, I really admire you Geordie, you sound like you're a great sister and have managed to find a way to keep yourself safe too.

Thank you Phacelia, it took a while to find an inner balance. I love him so much but I can't fix him. You are right, his behaviour is entirely his choice even if it is not a logical or rational choice. I was always scared that if I ended this phone call too soon, or if I didn't reply to this text, that might be the thing that sent him over the edge.
I now understand that the only thing that can send him over the edge is the distorted thinking that comes from depressive illness.

depressed people are naturally VERY self-absorbed, it is the nature of the beast.

You don't have to go along with it. ESPECIALLY if he is refusing help. Do not cushion his fall with your body.