Teenager and domestic abuse

[Pomegranate]

Please bear with me ladies, i am not sure where to post this, Teenagers, relationships, Chat etc.

My daughter is 16(will be 17 in a few weeks time), she has had a boyfriend, for about a year. Unfortunately this individual, turned out to be a slime ball.

He has one 3 occasions, has been extremely violent, the first time, he beat her up and smashed her ipod, and spat on her face. The second time, again, the same, apart from the ipod. The third time, only 2 weeks' ago, he beat her up again, and sexually assaulted her, and again, spat on her face again.

SHe met him at school, i always didnt like him, but she was adamanat he was brilliant. HE is sent her so many texts, calling her ugly, fat etc., etc., Really disgusting vile texts, and the vast majority of the time, he is extremely verbally abusive towards her as well. My daughter is extremely beautiful, everybody says that, but, the names that he calls her is unbelievable.

She left school without doing her exams, because he told her to!! He destroyed all her friendships with her friends, now she has none, because of him. He has trashed her reputation amongst people that she knows mutually.

The third occasion, she eventually pressed charges, and there is a court case pending. Unfortunately today, i found that she is still in contact with him, i confronted her, she called me a whore, and that i am not her mother. THis devastated me, we are extremely close, and the only good thing is that she has told me everything about him and what he has done to her.

She also told me that she is leaving home tonight and is going to marry him, and wants nothing to do with us. He also has called me a prostutitute, as he calls my daughter that as well.

I have begged, pleaded, got angry, tried to help in all the way that i can, but she is not listening. The police women, even told her, that if she marries him, he will not let her work, will tell her what to wear etc.,

My beautiful daughter is going to destroy myself, and we are devasted, that she is not listening to us. She has a brilliant counsellor, but again, she the counsellor has told us to take a step back and let her make these mistakes, if she will not listen.

I have no family or friends at all. my family disowned me 20 years ago when i married my husband(becasue he was white). i have no friends. I am so desperate for help.

I feel that this will turn into a tragedy, and, one day, he will end up killing her, or maiming her for life.

THank you so much all you lovely people for reading.

Unfortunately if she is of age then there isn't anything you can do, she has to learn it's a mistake all on her own. Sounds like he has manipulated her and she's fallen for his lies. What about her friends OP, any of them you could muster up to talk to her? Or someone else that would talk to her?

I don't know why some people feel this is all they deserve or are worth, i'm sure she would not treat someone this way but sadly she is blinded by 'love', believing he is 'the one' and probably thinks marriage will change him and all of you are standing in that way.

I'm not sure what your area is but your police support should be able to offer you support networks, I'd suggest ringing one up for their specialist advice.

I don't know what to suggest to help.
I was in an abusive relationship at the age of 16/17. My partner was 21. He got violent when he drank. I stayed with him over 9 months.
At one point, he was trying everything to get my attention to have an argument (over something so unimportant I don't even remember what it was). When he realised I wasn't playing ball, he kicked my cat from one side of the house to the other against the french doors. THAT did get my attention!! At some point during the row he had me backed into a corner in the kitchen, and to prevent him from hurting me I hit him over the head with the wok.
I still stayed with him after this for some time, and got dragged down a street by my hair, pinned against a wall and called horrendous names (on numerous occasions).
Eventually, I left, after the craziest row/fight ever. Police were called etc etc....
However, the whole time we were together, I never mentioned to any friends or family what was going on, not one single whisper. The first anyone knew was when the last fight happened. He even watched me lie to my mum about a bruise he had given me, I think it was a power thing.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that it's a good thing that she has told you. Be grateful for that if nothing else.
I think that all you can do is leave the door open, and make sure she is aware her friends and you are there. It must be so so hard. I can't imagine.

I felt i had to reply as i went through something very similar with my daughter a year ago. She too was 16, the boyfriend was older ,controlling, violent. He would pick her up from 6th form and not bring her home. One day i came home from work and all her stuff was gone. I was distraught....He had been in and out of prison into drugs ...your worst nightmare ever!!!!. She too became aggressive , laughed at me etc i felt like i had lost my beautiful girl forever!
I told her how much i loved her and how whenever she needed me no matter what time of day i would be there always !!...Six months on with her coming and going ,failing 6th form, looking skinny and scruffy ...she rang me one sunday morning saying "mum come and get me" he had pushed her down a flight of stairs. I was there to pick up the pieces , he went to court. She suddenly started to see sense...a year on my beautiful daughter is back, new boyfriend , good job and is happy . My only real advice is to be there...because she will need you . Big Hug

Thank you so much you wonderful ladies for your replies, it means so much to me.

Unfortuantely, all her friends, dont speak to her, because he has destroyed all her friendships with them, and, unfortunately, one of them, is delighted this is happening to her.

The police have been wonderful, but, again, she does listen to them, but as soon as they are away, she is texting, phoning him.

There is a court case pending in december, with my daughter and myself called as a witness against him, but, she might tell the court, that he has done nothing to her.

she claims she loves him, and that he loves her. SHe is so nasty to me and her dad, when she is iwht him. he has said vile things about me, to her, but she doesn't see the light.

i am just so desperate, really, i have tried everything, and nothing is/has changed.

This basically sounds like me when I was that age (and a little younger) the guy was quite a bit older than me and very manipulative. I was involved for 2 years and in that time he did untold damage to me mentally and physically. I really don't know what it is you can do but do whatever you humanly can to get her out. I know this is already what you're trying to do but I wish my parents had done all they could (although they knew very little of what was happening, I managed to keep it secret for a very long time) I wonder if citizens advice could help, or some legal advice. I'm so sorry you both are in this situation.

Pomegranate - I'm so sorry to read your posts.

Your DD is/was me at 15. There is so much awful things that I could post about what happened from the age of 15 to the age of 21, which is when I finally came to my senses.

The one thing I never had was support. Everyone told me he was wrong for me, nasty piece of work etc......

I knew that. He was my first sexual partner and the love of my life. Or so I thought at that age.

I have a 13 yr old DD and I am scared to death that she'll find someone like my ex.

Like you, our relationship is close and we are friends as well as family but I am very aware of keeping some boundaries in place. She knows that there are limits to acceptable behaviour. She knows that if I say in by 8pm, that's what I mean and not 8:01 pm.

I remember pushing everyone away, I just couldn't understand what he was doing to me. I could see it, feel it but I was his girlfriend and he loved me, he'd told me that the night that he took my virginity without asking.

You say that you've tried everything and nothing has worked. I was the same. My parents were so utterly helpless. I refused to believe anything.

There's nothing you can do until she sees him for what he really is. Then, and only then, is when you need to be there for her. You'll need to pick up the pieces, hold her and let her talk, let her get it all out.

It will be devastating for you to listen to, it will hurt you and cut you up inside.

There will be things you don't want to hear but just sit tight and listen to her.

This is what I finally did with my mum once I'd left him. I went home and asked if I could come home. My parents welcomed me with open arms. I talked for hours, cried for days and sobbed myself to sleep most nights.

I really do hope that your DD get's to that point sooner rather than later. I know it's hard to watch her destroying herself over him but she will move further away from you.

My advice would be to just be her mum. Let her get on with it until she can see him for what he is. Maybe tell her that no matter what, you're there for her? I have said to my DD that I'll always be her mum and love her for who she is, not what she does IYSWIM?

Obviously, if she's in danger then intervene but if she's anything like I was, you'll just have to be there for when she falls.

Unfortunately, she is probably in defiance mode and the more you are against it, the more she will be on his side.

I think it's important that you let her live her life, knowing that you love her and will be there for her when she needs you.

Parents really cannot live their lives for their children.

I saw a situation like this at third hand. No violence in this case, just risky behaviour and a controlling, unlikeable man.

The mother wrung her hands, argued, rowed. So did the father.

One day the mother reached the point where she told herself ? my daughter has made her own choices.

If she gets herself killed, she is doing what she wanted.

If she marries this individual, that is her decision.

When she let go, the daughter was faced with calm neutrality where she was used to getting a drama fix. She had to face her decisions as the adult she claimed to be.

There was nothing to rebel against any more: all that was left was the direct consequences of her own poor judgement. Interestingly, the obnoxious man found someone else to control, and the situation ended.

It would be naïve to suggest it always works like that, or that the mother felt as calm as she acted. (She didn't). The point is that you can only control your own actions.

If you choose to try this, tell your daughter you're there if needed, but you will be leaving her to her own devices from now on - and in the meantime you will accept no more abuse from her or her partner.

You don't deserve to be hurt and damaged just because your daughter chooses to be.
Please Pomegranate, do all you can to make your own life pleasant, because you matter too!

Thank you so much for all your replies,

LadyWordy, you are probably right.

When she spoke to me today, i physically had to force myself to go the gym, my heart just wasn't into it. but, i made myself go, and i am glad i did.

I have 4 other children to think about, different ages and stages, so i cant always deal with these dramas. I work full-time as well, so i have a lot to deal with, unfortunately, i am off sick from work, due to a bullying boss and this has been ongoing for 3 years. So, at the moment,life is extremely tough.

So much for her - i am running away today, she came back from her job, about 3, bold as brass, and apologised. Yet, this morning, she was never going to come and live with us, and couldn't wait to get away.

I will speak to her later, and both my husband and i will and have taken a step back, yes you are probably right, she IS an adult now, and she knows the difference between right and wrong.

My stomach will still be in knots all the time, but it seems i dont have a choice but to let her make her own mistakes.

It is just so awful, how women of any age have to put up so much crap from certain men, at the end of the day, she is still a child of 16 going through this awful violence/abuse.

It's horrible, Pomegranate... I'm sorry you're going through so much at the moment. :( You have other youngsters to care for, your own concerns to deal with?.you love your daughter but you need your energy for yourself too.

I don't know how the law stands, as your daughter is still technically a minor. For example, my understanding is that people cannot marry under the age of 18 without parental or court consent?.. but I'm not familiar with current law, or other issues connected with being a minor. Maybe other Mumsnetters could advise?

Thinking of you and hoping you see some light soon Pomegranate. Good for you on sticking to your gym plan. You can vent on here if it gets too upsetting

Oh you poor woman, that is truely stressful. I have a 16 year old daughter as well, but without those problems. However, I swear she has f..ed up her GSCEs, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.

I agree with ladywordy, though. She will do what she thinks is best and not what you do.

I think it is fair to say you wont have him in the house. But that she is welcome at all times. Also, she should not be able to get away with speaking to you like that- and it will set a poor example for the others, which is the last thing you need. As someone with 5 kids myself, I know how they can folllow suit on certain things.
I wonder if a counsellor could help you to think of ways to help her with her self esteem and confidence, because those will be her most important tools to defend herself from crap from him.

Advice here greatly appreciated.

I did speak to her, and she is adamant that she does not want to marry him right this moment, at least that is something.

No this individual is not allowed near our house at all, I probably would do seriously damage to him, if I did see him. The sad thing, apparently, if this is true, his parents blamed my daughter!!

I also bought her a book recommended by many mnetters - called why does he do that, or words to that effect by Lundy bancroft, and she said she has read some bits of it already.

She has many plans in place to study, she has always wanted to help people, and she said she would love to work with vulnerable girls in her situation - oh the irony!!

Her counsellor has been brilliant, and on a few occasions we have been with her, and it has helped. She has an amazing relationship with the counsellor, and, due to her, she has sorted a lot in her head. He did really mess with her head, and she is slowly realising this.

I remmember when she was a tiny baby, and i looked at her with amazement and wonderment, and fast forward all these years, and the change is heartbreaking.

Im so sorry you're having to go through this and for your poor daughter.

I have two little girls and the thought of something like this happening to one of them is awful. Although my husband is ex light heavy weight boxing champion for the branch of the military he was in and I know for a fact if any guy laid a finger on one of your girls he would be drinking through a straw for a month - absolutely no question and regardless of the legal ramifications.

You are doing all you can just by being there for her. She has to choose to leave herself. Fingers crossed it is soon.