Getting over DV

[getagoldmedal]

Hello, I hope you can help. I have nc for this as my husband knows my username and I haven't discussed this with him.

My question is - how long has it taken you to 'get over' a violent relationship?

I was with a violent man for 5 years, and left him 5 years ago. In the last 5 years I have met and married my lovely non-violent husband, had my son and trained to do the job I want. I could not have changed more.

I still have nightmares about my violent ex, chasing me and finding me. I still feel desperately sad about what he did to me, the physical injuries, the scars, broken bones and teeth, the friends I lost, the debt I got in, the behaviour I accepted and the behaviour I did myself (taking drugs, lying). The abortion I had.

I feel sick when I think about him. I wish I could recollect more of it to get it all out, but bits keep popping up that I had forgotten about. I have ha counselling, but they want to talk about now, not then and I found it intrusive.

Does this ever go away, or will I be dogged by this for the rest of my life? Will I ever be able to be proud of getting away, and not just feel so sad I was ever there?

You should be talking about what you want to talk about in counselling. It's your story, your voice, not theirs.

I would find another counsellor and ask if you can specifically talk about the past.

You've been so brave and strong to come out of that situation. You have to grab this chance to have your lovely life without the pressure of the past bearing down on you. Until you deal with your past, though, you can't forget it.

Perhaps you could talk to a more specialised counsellor (unless of course it was someone experienced with DV you had before), perhaps talk to Women's Aid, see if there are support groups you could join?

Would The Freedom Programme be useful? Has anyone here been on it?

Thanks for the responses, I have emailed re the freedom programme in my area, hope to hear back.

I kind of think that what I feel is normal, that it will always be this way, that everyone who has been through DV feels like this. If you're telling me that isn't the case, I know that I need to do something about it.

I am happy, but feel very sad about my past, and think about it far more than I'd like to.

I think the right counsellor could help you a lot. I know mine did. She specialised in DV and came with good recommendations.
For me it was like opening and closing doors... as I dealt with one issue and closed the door on it with big bloody padlocks I would open another and step inside not knowing what was waiting for me, things I must have buried deep in my memory just appeared ready for me to face - a lot of people say counselling can make you worse before feeling better- this was certainly true in my case but once I'd faced it, it was like a huge weight had been lifted from me, I vividly remember walking out to go home one day and just feeling lighter and more positive. I'd never felt anything like this before with previous counsellors, and I'd seen lots by that stage.

I have been split from my V ex for just over 4 years now and I still have nightmares sometimes, nowhere near as often as before though. Flashbacks happen too but again, not as regular as before.

I find the hardest part to deal with is the way I still flinch if my now DP makes a sudden movement near me, also if we have a disagreement (nowhere near the level Ex would argue/rant/rage) I find myself "on guard" still. DP's not violent at all and it upsets me when it happens but I suppose the more time goes on, that part will fade away too. I accept it's a normal part of the healing process to still have these feelings but I refuse to believe that it will always be this way.

I carry physical scars and I use them to remind myself why I got out, that I'm happier I got out and that I'm a different person now. I have so much hatred towards my ex that I'm still working on but for most of the time I can manage to leave him in the past, where he belongs. actually i can think of worse places where I'd like him to go but nevermind, a girl can dream

I hope you find a good counsellor quickly and get the release you deserve from your past Getagoldmedal xx