If you have children how do you have time for a new relationship?

[Lucyintheskywithdiamonds]

Not sure whether to post here or in single parents but here goes, just after people's experiences really.

Having split from ex h and had a bit of time on my own, I decided to try online dating. More to find out if there was anyone decent left out there than because I particularly wanted a relationship. I went on a few dates and met a couple of nice guys out of it, but realised I am just not in a position to have a relationship at the moment.

My question is this: how do people find the time (esp away from their dcs) to 'cultivate' a new relationship? Do they go to the other parent a lot more than my dcs do? (one day a fortnight) or is it really only possible if you are prepared to introduce them to the children quite early on/ if they are already a friend or known to the children?

Well my dc's spend one mid week night and one weekend night and day with their dad which gave me plenty of time to cement my new relationship before introducing to kids.
Why do yours only do one night a week?

mine do one evening a week for tea, one day a fortnight and one sleepover (so night before/after the 'day' every four weeks. Ex h didn't want them any more than that I am not going to force him

My DS is away 1 day (7 hours) every fortnight & 2 &1/2 HOURS once a week. Really rubbish for starting a new relationship .

However, I have started seeing a really lovely gentleman caller, we see each other when we can (he has his DC every other weekend) and spend an awful lot of time on the phone or texting.

The bonus that I see is that we have really got to know each other on the phone, have had some really really in depth conversations and perhaps it has worked better because we have had to take things slowly...ie its not all about the physical side although that is amazing

I would just say you have to just persevere,be prepared to be flexible and hopefully any DP would as well if liked you enough.

I'm not ready yet but when I am I hope that STBXH will be having DD every other weekend by then and I would hope to see people then.

My friend introduced her bloke fairly quickly to her kids as she said they come as a package. I see her point but I disagreed as I think you should be reasonably committed before they meet your child.

I don't want to be Katie Price introducing a new daddy every few months lol.

But you know your kids and your lifestyle and I think you have to do whatever works for you.

I felt I didn't have that much spare time although XH does have the DC more often (one regular weeknight a week and roughly every other weekend although both of us are flexible around each other as necessary). Have found that I hav been able to fit a relationship in as well and it is a good part of my life :)

Not sure when I want to introduce him to the DC as its only been a few months and it's not that long ago that they met XHs new partner and I dont want them to be overwhelmed. They do know about him though.

my exdp very rarely has our dc, I have to ask for him to have them and won't commit to a specific date each month to have them so meeting new guys has been a problem. however I have recently met a new man who also had dc and understands I do t get a lot of time dcfree. we text everyday, chat in phone and he has also got me to do FaceTime. whih I was pretty uncomfortable with but now actually love.
it really helps that he's understanding about my dc and their dads lack of parenting. we have both agreed to wait a good few months editor introducing each other to our dc. which is good I think as I've seen a friend introduce so many men to her son it's unreal.
anyway.. finding time is hard but with the right person it will work out

Ex lives abroad, so I have DS at home all the time. Thankfully, I can count on grandparents and siblings, and a friend has already volunteered too.

I'm just starting one, but I suspect he'll have to be introduced at home fairly soon.
Thankfully he's with grandparents on holiday atm. :o

DS has met him, but he doesn't "know" about him.

I won't. I've had the DC's 24/7 for 3.6yrs and XP is long gone (yay!, but I'm burnt out). I get to the gym a bit but cannot afford all evening babysitters for dates, I don't meet blokes anyway.

Basically, my plans are to Tiger Mom them to University then I get my life back .

sorry meant one day a fortnight, was typing on phone - sorry. And no you can't force him.
I guess you make the most of your free time, you call in babysitting favours (maybe have kids friends for sleepovers at yours so that they can do the same if you need a free night?), grandparents etc.

Difficult though!

I had the same plan as you Meglet, to fend off all the men approaching me (ha!) until dd had left home. No contact at all with her father so it seemed impossible to have any kind of social life

I did pay for evening babysitters to join a sports club though, for my own interests/weight loss, and all my plans went kaput when I met DP there . In the early days I paid for babysitters to see him, plus sometimes he'd rearrange his work hours and we'd meet up during school hours, and later on he covered the cost of childcare as he earns more. I don't think I would have forked out for childcare to date most men, but we had such a connection I knew it would lead to something worthwhile. So I do think it's worth taking the plunge and paying for childcare if there are no other options, most people consider childcare for working to be essential but your personal life is more important imo.

Erm. A quick nod to Katie Price that she doesn't 'introduce a new man every few months' but in fact was married several years, her husband left her, then she met and married someone new, and a year after that marriage broke down met someone else.

Anyway..
My answer to OP is 'plenty of childcare support' - fortunately my immediate family live in the same village and nearby town so I can manage cinema nights out, the odd drinking night in town and about once a fortnight a sleepover at his home (more often possible, but I do not like to encroach on Nanny too much).

Or a new boyfriend who is happy to include your children as part of the dating. You can still 'date' whilst on daytrips to the park or museums, in as much as it's possible to still get to know one another, have a few snogs, and eventually when the time is right and the children are more aclimatised to him, he may be able to sleep over at your home, meaning you can have some nights in together.

How this would work if you didn't have any childcare though, I don't know. I don't think I could entrust my young children to complete strangers as babysitters. Perhaps ask at the school gates about local childminders who can recommend evening babysitters?

My Katie Price joke was in reference to the fact that her tv programmes always show the kids meeting new man ASAP and rolling round the patk playing games or whatever. Yes her and alex went on to get married but she could have kept the kids away from new man for a while and she never seems to..., and she picks up with a new man really quickly each time so it must be confusing for the kids.

Personally I wouldn't introduce new man immediately, but each to their own.

I was a single parent when I met my now dh (on plenty of fish!) ... My dd goes to her dad every other week friday till sunday but the main thing for me was my mum looking after her when I went on dates (which both mum and dd liked as they adore spending time together).... So I guess I was lucky.

I introduced dd to dh about 6 weeks in when I knew it was going somewhere and I needed to know what they both thought ofg each other as it would have been pointless continuing if they both hated each other! We went to the cinema and for a coffee together (dd was 6). I think the key is to make it very non important in their eyes - ie here's mums friend, we're going out for a bite to eeat / the park whatever.
I think people get a bit old fashioned / precious about introducing their kids to people - you're not saying "here's xx I'm going to marry him and he's going to be your step dad" :) - you're introducing them to a new person, which is good for childrens social skills, surely people have lots of friends and people they kow anyway, it should be on that basis and gradually infiltrated into your life.

I am a single parent and DD doesn't see XP at all. I started internet dating when she was about 5 and a friend used to have her now and again for me or she used to go up to Grandma's in the hols for a couple of weeks so I would have to ensure that I utilised my time . Or I would arrange to meet up in the daytime when she was at school
She is now 12 and I have been dating the same guy for some time.

I was very cautious about introducing dd to men I'd dated, as my best friend at school had to deal with a series of men in her home when her mother was dating, and it did affect her. I think it still has an impact on how she relates to men now tbh. Children tend to recognise pretty quickly the difference between Mum's friends and a new boyfriend ime.

I didn't introduce dd to any men I'd dated until my current DP (who I met when she was eight), we'd been seeing each other for a year by then so I felt secure that he was a keeper.

Hi Lucy
I agree it's hard to date when you have kids. I think only you can decide when the time's right for your DCs to meet someone you're seeing. But it can feel like you're compartmentalising your life, which for me, didn't feel that easy or comfortable.

Good luck though! x

I don't see a problem with introducing new partners to DC quite quickly. It's hugely enlightening about how they'll be with the children and how they respond to the unpredictable generally - all good indications as to whether the relationship will work.

The trick is to keep the lovey doveyness to a minimum so that the DC see the new person as just another friend in mummy's life rather than a potential parent. Children form transient relationships with adults all the time and move on from them with no ill effects. It does not follow that they will form attachments and be left bereft. If that was the case children would be breaking down left right and centre at the start of every summer holiday.

It's all about how you handle it.

Fully agree.

The danger is if a new partner becomes a loved one quite quickly before the relationship has time to mature and we find ourselves in solid ground.
Particularly if a dad is not around much.

My ex only has my son during the holiday as he lives rather far away.

When son was younger I had a circle of friends and we used to "swap" kids for sleepovers etc. They all loved it.

laughing here, I didn't mean swap them so a new man would only see someone elses kid not mine I meant that if one of us had a hot date a friend would have the child/children and vice versa.

at missfaversham - here's Bob, he's not my kid, he's my neighbours. He's better behaved than my kid, didnt want to put you off

lol

I have been a lone parent (and single)for 8 years dcs are 8 and 10 now,I have recently started dating a lovely man.I was lucky that I met him through work and he knows how hectic things can be for me.So each time we meet we arrange the next time .I can look forward to it then.
The kids go to their dads every other weekend,and as I am self employed can arrange somehing during the week.I am currently debating about them meeting him ,they have met him before socially .I am leaning towards arranging a casual meet up .

Novel idea though skyblue huh.

I think its a great idea. my DD is a 4yo wilful madam, so Im going to swap her for a quiet kid who sits in the corner with a DS and never speaks