Husband demanding to go camping

[Northgirl]

Hi - hope you can help with a minor but sticky issue!

My husband is demanding to take my 5 year old daughter off camping. No problem you'd think. Except that this is the latest in a long and in total unreasonable list of demands that I've given in to.

While he goes off camping he wants me to look after our two year old son and dog for the weekend (I'm a stay at home mum so I will have looked after them during the week). I'm six months pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and I think that the little time he spends with me and our family should be spent doing something we can share or even better support me in the pregnancy. I worry that this is the thin end of the wedge and it will give him free rein to exclude part of the family from a stream of other activities that are hard to do with either a pregnant wife, toddler or a new baby.

He is not hard done to, he has a man week's holiday to himself every year, plays squash three times a week, goes jogging in his lunch hours (instead of ever making it home for tea together). He plays tennis and also has his own windsurfer and microlight aircraft. At home he has his own computer games room (which he goes into virtually every night) and he refuses point blank to do any shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning or tidying whatsoever, which I have accepted.

My question mumsnetters is: am I being as unreasonable and as horrible as he is making out for saying that I want us to do something as a family instead of camping??? He tells me that he demands to go and I am controlling him, which I find really upsetting. Should I just give in and suck up being left on my own again????

Thanks for any suggestions....

He's selfish, completely ignoring family life and acts like a spoilt child. You are not unreasonable or horrible but he is. My God you are practically a single parent.

You're not being unreasonable at all! But I would suggest telling him that he can go camping if he wants, but that he takes BOTH DC with him, and arrange care for the dog as you will use that weekend to go and stay with a friend/family and have a nice relaxing weekend by yourself.

TBH I think it's time for YOU to be a bit more selfish, and start demanding some time to yourself, and to do a little less for him.

Do you want to carry on like this Northgirl. I really feel for you, take care with your pregnancy, one of the wiser Mums will be along soon.

What ChitChat suggested.

Or agree for him to go camping and stay there in the tent.

um, I don't think the camping is unreasonable. It's the everyday stuff that sounds unreasonable.

How on earth can you afford so much 'stuff'?

Microlight? Sounds like you have an extra child.

The camping alone isn't an issue, nothing wrong with some of the family doing something for the weekend without others, it would be a lovely bonding experience for your DD.

It's all the other stuff. Why are you with a man who does nothing to help you at all? What kind of family is that anyway? He might as well go camping if he is just going to spend the weekend in his games room not helping out or pulling his weight. At least if he goes camping he'll take youer DD so you'll have two less people to look after.

I hope that you are 'demanding' that next weekend he stays at home to look after the family while you go away on your own somewhere. You have to stop being enslaved and allowing this to happen. Why have you just accepted he doesn't do any housework? He either pays for a cleaner/housekeeper or does his share. When's your time off - the equivalent to his hours in the computer room and his sporting activities? Don't let him bully you into thinking YABU. Start telling him to remember this is a partnership you are in. And stop allowing this to happen.

I think the most unreasonable part of this is that you are still married and having kids with this selfish bastard

leave the bastard

The taking the older dd camping sounds great

The rest of the OP is a different thread.....

I don't think camping in itself with your dd is unreasonable, I think everything else is!
Why can't he take your ds too, and arrange for the dog to be in kennels etc so that you can have a nice relaxing weekend off. Arranging for a cleaner to come in and give the house a good going over so you can properly do nothing would be wonderful too.

In fact, if there is enough cash for all these hobbies then surely there is enough for a cleaner and someone to do the ironing etc.

Oh God....OP this is another one of those threads that makes me put my head in my hands in despair....

WHY do you allow him to be completely detached from your family life, at home, with all that entails? The words you use are worrying - he 'demands', he 'refuses'. It's his home and his dcs too, why do you get all the donkey work and he gets all the fun?

Bearing in mind you're pregnant I would suggest - no 'demand' - if he wants to go camping he takes both dcs (to give you a chance to rest) or neither and goes on his own.

Everyone should have time to themselves and hobbies yes - I'm assuming he 'allows' you a similar amount of time to do your own thing every month too? Thought not.....

As a PS OP, my DH is currently abroad with my oldest dc while I'm home with the younger. I don't think there is - in general - anything at all wrong with parents doing this from time to time, it's all the other shite you have to put up with that irks.

The camping trip is fine.
It's all the other shit you need to be worrying about and addressing!

The camping trip is his most unreasonable demand so far, as I see it.

Was your mother a Stepford Wife, OP ?

Is this how you were raised ? It's not how it should be. Do you realise that ? Any of it.

Could I be so bold as to recommend some reading for you this weekend, while your H takes both your dc and the dog off camping to give you a break ?

"Wifework" by Susan Maushart. You might get it by the weekend if you pay for priority delivery on Amazon.

most reasonable I meant to say. Gah.

I'm wondering why on earth you have chosen to have 3 children with such a selfish, demanding, self-absorbed man.

If you can afford a micro light etc, surely you can afford a cleaner and some childcare? Have you considered a weekend nanny? A dog walker? None of these will solve the problem of your husband being a selfish arse but they might help you on a practical level while you decide whether to leave the bastard or to carry on being a doormat (which is what you are - I don't mean this as an insult, but that is obviously how your husband sees you).

I'm sorry you're having a high-risk pregnancy. Do you have friends /family nearby to support you while your husband fails to do so?

Urgh, it all sounds awful OP

He sounds awful. I cannot understand why women put up with men like this.

God, not another whining man-child - at this rate I'll be changing my name to manhaternumbertwo by the weekend.
How do these men manage to trap a wife?

Quite often they act like decent individuals until it's too late

The camping sounds a great idea - two fewer people for you to pick up after is almost a holiday in your situation. Are you not going camping too b/c of the pregnancy, or do you hate camping?

The rest of the stuff needs its own thread. Sell the microlight and hire a cleaner.

Thank god we've brought up our DD not to accept being treated like a domestic appliance with a vagina attached.

By the way... if he were writing a thread about this situation, what would he say? (You've mentioned his microlight and computer games room, etc. Would he be talking about your fully kitted-out convertible sports car or something? Or is he a selfish bastard?)

Yes...something tells me if the tables were turned he wouldn't be complaining about your pottery studio and shopping trips to New York, would he?

Why? Cos the fun is just for him.

The drudgery is for his wife.

Fabby.