why is my DH so selfish

[adviceforanamechanger]

I am a regular but have name changed.

DH and I have had an almighty row this morning and I am not sure what to think.

We have 2 DDs ages 5.5 and 3. When DD1 was 8 months old I went back to work 3 days a week, we needed the money. Managed to take a full year with DD2. I am the main breadwinner, DH has similar professional qualifications to myself but decided to try and do his own thing which hasn?t really worked out. Over the last 5 years he has attempted to try 4 other things none of which have come to fruition but have taken a lot of time and energy and cost some money in some cases. As well as being out of the house for nearly 12 hours 3 days a week, I do most of the house admin stuff (manage finances, shopping, meals, washing etc) and get up with the girls every morning to get them ready for school. DH seems to manage to fit everything he wants to do round his ?work? so is able to go to the Olympics, go running, etc etc. Last term I missed every single thing DD1 did at school (sports day, assembly, talent show). On top of this I no longer enjoy my job at all but feel locked into it as my salary pays the lion?s share of our outgoings.

I also suffer from a condition that flares up when I am stressed and have had a really bad flare up over the last 4 months, this is under control now but a signal that I need to slow down?.

I am just sick of this now and just look at DH and think he is so selfish. He on the other hand thinks I am hard work and says nothing he ever does is good enough?.I feel like saying to him well you do nothing?.

Friends of ours announced they are having a trial separation at the weekend, they were a couple I thought were rock solid, and I now look at DH and I and think if they can?t make it what chance do we have.

I have been in tears most of the morning (am at work and keep having to go to the loos). I don?t know what to do, if DH thinks it isn?t him but is me where do we go?

I have sent him a long email this morning as whenever we try to have these conversations it ends up with me in tears and him getting frustrated and storming out. I have told him exactly how I feel, including that the last thing I want is for our family to split up and will do anything to prevent that happening.

He hasn?t replied. I don?t know what else to do really.

Good on you for writing the email, it's important to be able to sit down and get everything you feel out, without interruptions.

I do get the feeling from your post that grievances are being aired both ways - you being hard work, him doing nothing and being selfish - without much constructive ideas on how to resolve the situation?

I could be very wrong and you've tried to help him every step of the way to find a fulfilling way to realize his potential and he's just not interested - if that's the case then I honestly think it might be time to move on

The answer to your question is included in your OP. You've told him that:

the last thing I want is for our family to split up and will do anything to prevent that happening.

He is this selfish because you allow him to be. I'm not saying you are responsible for his behaviour, but the more intrinsically selfish a person is, the more they will try to get away with. Ironically, every time they do, they respect their partners less and so far from forgiveness and understanding causing them to become better people, they actually become more selfish because they think their partners are mugs and not worthy of any respect.

That's why there are so many threads on here from women whose husbands have had affairs, after a lifetime of the sort of behaviour your partner's displaying. The signs were all there.

If you communicate to your partner that you'll do anything to prevent splitting up, he will take it as read that you have no tipping point.

Splitting up from a workshy, lazy and selfish man is certainly not the worst thing a woman can do.

That's staying with him and putting up with the same and worse.

Leverette
To be fair it's possible he hasn't read the email yet, or writing his own long reply, or waiting to talk about it in person.

Telling him you dont want to split was a mistake. If you have a hope of things changing he has to believe he will lose you if he doesn't. You've just told him he can carry on as he is with some vague gestures to keep you quiet and nothing will happen. Time to get serious, talking doesn't help, maybe action in the form of a trial separation would be good.

Some ideas:

Very short term

• stop doing anything for him, cooking, cleaning, washing
• walk out of the house saying I'm going running/ shopping/ out with Jo and leave him to it with dcs (in whatever manner he does this to you)
• say right the washing needs putting out/ the washing up needs doing, which one are you doing?
• find some counselling. You need to unpick why you have got into a situation where you do the vast majority and your dh doesn't. Has it always been this way and it's only come to your attention with having dcs or has he got worse over time?

Long term

• do you want to spend your life with a man who always puts his wants over yours and dcs needs?
• do you want to be everything to your family and be that for your dh too? Would it be easier to be just you and dcs?

I think when you're discussing you need to really focus on not crying and being more assertive. If he still stomps off you'll have your answer right there - its not that you're hard work and can't communicate, it's because he's a selfish arse who doesn't want to do more. Maybe unpick why you cry everytime you try and discuss this problem. Is it because all your pent up emotion floods out? It is because you are sad/ angry/ frustrated? Is it in response to your dh because he is horrible to you?

Yes, OP it's time to get tough now. I agree with all that's been said here. He has all the power and needs a massive kick up the arse. If no change then work towards getting rid of Mr Selfish.

Life is far too short to put up with shit sweetheart. I know coz I've just got rid of one myself and I'm so much happier.

Telling him you want to avoid splitting up was a massive mistake, as Charbon said. You've basically told him no matter what he does, you will stay put.

Would your life be any harder if he wasn't there? How would your finances be? Go and check them out on the Entitled To site. I'm not saying you should split up, but I do think he should be aware that you wouldn't lose out if you did.

Who the hell does this cocklodger think he is, that he can lead the good life whilst you do all the work?

Thank you everyone for your replies.

He has now replied to the email and a long one at that.

He isn't proud of the situation with his work and isn't sure how to improve this. He says he totally takes on board what I say but has pointed out things from his perspective.

Maybe it was a mistake to say I don't want us to split up, but that is the truth....he doesn't either.

handstand I had thought of doing that and was going to suggest to him before things came to a head that for 1 week he did everything that I normally do and see what happened.

Anyway he has agreed that we need to look at the division of labour in our house for now and work something out. I feel a sense of relief that everything is out in the open but still think there is some way to go.

I'm sure he doesn't want you to split up. Why would he? Apart from the odd blow-up every now and then, he's got it made.

Doesn't mean he respects and loves you though. These arguments are never really about housework and divisions of labour. They are about the absence of those two things.

Spot on Charbon. You are describing my DH until last year and, yes, it does lead to infidelity finally.

handstand's answer is spot on...have just been through similar myself. my dh is far from lazy/selfish but we have A LOT on and two small dcs also. I went down teh counselling route and it has helped me to understand my behaviour better and try to change it for the better.
for me communication is the key...dont huff about the place doign all the jobs, speak up, like handstand says, and say right. x y and z all need doing before we go to bed...which do you want to do.
Dont work on the assumption taht you HAVE to do everything. you both work you both parent the children, so therefore you should both be undertaking a fair share of household jobs/admin.
It takes effort to make this change in your thinking, but it is soooo worth it!

If my DH told me he was thinking of splitting up I'd say 'go right on ahead.' I don't react well to threats. Better surely to be productive.

Travelling time is spot on. I also agree with having counselling.
Your DH sounds as if he's motivated to do lots of extra curricular things and that's quite admirable. You just need to be included in the mix so say what needs to be done and what you'd like to do. He can stay at home while you do something you'd find fun. You only work three days a week so it's not all bad. I don't at all agree that it necessarily means lack of love and respect - relationships get into a rut sometimes.

Do your DH work full time? You don't mention how hard he works (if at all), just that he has been less successful than you.

Yes, find time for stuff you want to do too. even if its just a walk in the park for half an hour, or sitting having a coffee on your own and reading a book.
You have to make yourself heard. There is usually a way forward if you both want to make things work
You have a lot of hats to wear, mother, employee, wife but dont forget you were an individual in your own right before any of those things happened - important not to forget who YOU are and what YOU want
good luck!

Thanks travelling time, I do have a tendancy to huff and puff around the place, and you are right when I tell him to do stuff he does it.

Amateurish - he has his own business but it isn't really successful and I know if he could get out of it he would but it has been so long now since he has had a job for someone else I think he worries it would be difficult to get one and it would be difficult to sell the business.