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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel dreadful, last night I totally lost it.

20 replies

atosilis · 08/08/2012 10:56

Too much to drink and had just got back from looking after my parents following one of them having a cancer op.
I was discussing how badly my BiL was treated by his parents and OH said, "He probably deserves it". Shock He absolutely does not.

I pointed out that his parents have called my kind, loving parents, "Aggressive and rude".
OH said, "They must have a reason". Yes, they're fuckwits.

I said, that I just needed support and agreement that they are wrong to be evil about my parents. Just say, "Yes, that's a horrible thing to say". I felt that he was defending the fuckwits.

I didn't need Devil's advocate when I was feeling so sad after seeing them.

We hit a new low yesterday. I have become a violent drunk and feel so, so sad and ashamed. What has happened to me?

OP posts:
Original poster
atosilis · 08/08/2012 10:58

Oh yes, I'm not to be upset about my DF and his illness. "At least you've got one. Don't moan to me, my Dad is dead". WTF?

OP posts:
izzyizin · 08/08/2012 11:00

How many more times do you need to hear that by staying in this farce of a marriage you are destroying yourself, honey?

Please leave before you do any more harm to yourself.

Original poster
atosilis · 08/08/2012 11:02

I know, I know, I know. Stuck record here. When he was in the Forces, we had separations and I was able to have my own space for weeks/months. Retirement and living together 24/7 is a whole new circle of hell.

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DippyDoohdah · 08/08/2012 11:27

If you are being violent to him, you have to get out for both your sakes. I do not know your history, but whilst it sounds that he was totally unsupportive and inappropriate...it does not excuse you being violent.you know this though, that's presumably why you have not even said what you did x

KickTheGuru · 08/08/2012 12:11

I think it's hard a line between his opinion on his parents and your parents and the respective families.

Occasionally, my DH would say things about my mother (my dad is dead) and I could shoot back with some fairly nice accusations about his family as well. We now know what the other thinks of our families and we do try very hard to remember that our love for our families stem from years and years of knowing them.

I guess the point is that we try very hard to not accuse the others family of being xx and yy. While neither I nor my DH will get aggressive once the other has made the (valid) accusation, we also do know that talking about specific behaviour is largely pointless because neither of us will win.

Am I making sense?

Fighting over your families is going to happen. It's how you draw the line in the sand and realise that it's an area that needs to be circumnavigated, rather than haphazardly crossed.

KickTheGuru · 08/08/2012 12:12

How long ago did his dad die? And what did he die of?

Losing a parent is hard and some people deal with it differently. I am not standing up for him but maybe he is finding it difficult to support you, while carrying his own demons?

izzyizin · 08/08/2012 12:14

Have you self-harmed again or have you harmed him this time?

squeakytoy · 08/08/2012 12:23

You are a (not very) recovering alcoholic, and you are self harming. You have to seek some help as soon as possible. You cannot carry on like this. :(

Original poster
atosilis · 08/08/2012 12:33

Sorry, when I said 'his parents' I was referring to BiL's parents. To clarify - my sister's husband's (BiL) parents. Phew. They are very mean, have called my sister vile names, sent BiL a horrific letter and basically lie through their teeth - the mother especially. I was just relating the latest act of gross behaviour and I just wanted a Shock face, not an act of defence for them.

For them to abuse my parents who have only ever shown them kindness and hospitality is appalling and I wanted OH to agree that it was over the line for them to call my parents names.

OH's father died 4 years ago of a stroke. OH had a stroke 2 years ago and has completely(ish) recovered. I wasn't clear in my first post.

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Original poster
atosilis · 08/08/2012 12:35

I can't really remember but I think I punched his arm. To stop myself going nuts, I walked out and went to the pub. I knew that was wrong so went and sat in the car. I woke up about midnight and went into the house.

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Original poster
atosilis · 08/08/2012 12:37

I have to keep repeating what a counsellor said years ago, "Do you want any future grandchildren to have an old soak as a grandmother?". I am so much better than I used to be but sometimes my final nerve of the day snaps.

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squeakytoy · 08/08/2012 12:45

But you say in your first sentence that you had had too much to drink BEFORE you had the argument with him.

If you are an alcoholic, then one drink is one too many. You know that. You have to tackle it.

KickTheGuru · 08/08/2012 12:49

I think the biggest thing is that it's so easy to blame the things around us. I always say "it's not my fault! I was stressed!". At what point does it become your fault then? My fault?

My best is that we had mates over so we had some wine left over and I've managed to convince myself that drinking it quickly means we won't have any left in the house. Fair enough, it's one or two glasses of wine every second night but the case here is that drinking is about convincing yourself that there is a real need to drink.

I can stop because I have a medical condition that is better off without the one or two every now and then.

But if you can't stop, then maybe you need to relook that as the issue? Remedy that? I know that I drink to release emotions (very bad!) so if that's truly the issue, then what are you hiding without the drink??

You need to relook your situation as choices that you have made. And how do you get through those choices without a drink - because they are your issues.

I mean this in a very nice way. I've been down some shitty roads and at the end of them is either an arrow pointing down more shitty roads, or at some point - you can choose to turn back and deal with the shitty road you've just come down.

Original poster
atosilis · 08/08/2012 13:45

When I was dry for about a year, there was a brilliant group called 'Friends without alcohol'. We used to meet up, go to the cinema, go for walks and learn to have good fun without alcohol. I made very good friends with one of the women and we did lots together, good support to each other. Last weekend I went away with friends and I left a day early as I wanted to behave and have a clear head - I am getting there. I will ask OH again, please don't bring alcohol into the house. Meet me half way. I tried doing sport in the evenings but I come home from work knackered. I don't have a thyroid gland and even with medication, get very tired and low.

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KickTheGuru · 08/08/2012 13:53

Have you thought that maybe you need to take time out from your relationship and any demands and just focus on you?

My DH stresses like hell constantly - since my diagnosis, he has been waiting for something to go wrong and now when it does, he has no idea how to handle it. He really has no idea how to keep picking me up when I fall. But he tries. He doesn't moan about it anything but I know that he is worried when small things go wrong. That's a part of being in the relationship and we've both carried shit for each other.

Maybe your DH is tired of carrying stuff and you're tired of carrying stuff and you're both just tired of carrying each other? Maybe its time to stop focusing on the relationship or on how he doesn't support you in the way that you need (very different to NOT supporting you) and now the best route for you to take (even temporarily) is the route into helping yourself, by yourself?

squeakytoy · 08/08/2012 13:59

I dont know about asking your husband not to bring alcohol into the house, I think it would be better for you and him to separate. He is a major part of your problem (I remember your previous threads).

Original poster
atosilis · 08/08/2012 14:00

We do need a break, not a permanent one but just some time out. I have moved into the spare room and we don't have sex, which hurts him desperately. I feel so unhappy for him.

Counsellor on Monday and I will get through the next 5 days, one day at a time, without drink.

Thanks for taking the time to comment KTG and all x

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squeakytoy · 08/08/2012 14:02

You need to be properly apart. Living in the same house is no different to if you were still "together" and probably makes the situation even more stressful.

KickTheGuru · 08/08/2012 14:02

The thing here is that you can't feel unhappy for someone else or hold their happiness in your hands.

He needs to understand that you need this. And so do you.

You can't have guilt on top of your emotions. You need to be able to step away from the guilt and concentrate on yourself

squeakytoy · 08/08/2012 14:03

Stop feeling unhappy for him! Put yourself first and sort out your own issues.

I am sorry to sound harsh, but you have to be tough on yourself and be brave, and go and get more help.

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