sex after childbirth

[wibblybits]

Hello,

This is a little bit TMI so please don't read if you're squeamish!

I am a regular MNetter but have n/c for this because it's a bit embarassing. I had my son 17 months ago. It was a vontouse delivery with an episiotomy. The episiotomy got infected over and over again and sex was impossible. Seven months after I had DS I saw a gynaecologist who said that the episiotomy had been done too tight and too high, and he recommended that I have a fenton's procedure to correct it (basically re-cutting and stitching the area). I had this done last Autumn. It was a six week recovery and very uncomfortable. I finally managed to have sex on Christmas Day and it was a lot less painful than before (I'd not even managed to let him 'in' before, the pain was excrutiating) but still uncomfortable.

It started to get worse in the new year and there seemed to be a patch on my inside that when it was touched absolutely sent me through the roof - in a bad way. The skin around the area was also incredibly tight and tender. It hurt to wipe after having a wee even. So, I went back the gynae, who said I had nerve damage, and that I had overhealed following the fenton's, leaving me with thick scarring and webbing. I would have to have it done again, along with an injection into the damaged nerves which would 'untangle' them.

I had this done a couple of weeks ago. So far, it seems to me like it's finally worked - I feel different, more natural, the skin is no longer tight, and although it's far too soon to try sex, when I touch myself it's definitely not painful. There is some 'buzzing' in the area which I remember from after child birth itself and this worries me because obviously I didn't heal properly then and I don't know what the 'buzzing' signifies.

The problem now is that whenever I even think about sex I tense up. I can't even bring myself to touch 'inside', the thought of anything going near that part of me makes my heart race and I feel panicky. The gynae told me at the consultation that following this second procedure I need to 'use it or lose it'. What he meant was that as my body has a proclivity to over-heal itslef, I need to get the area 'used to' being stretched (I'm so sorry, this sounds so ghastly). So I need to have sex. Not yet, but once the recovery time is over. If I don't, aside from the fact that I will have a pretty miserable life with my amazing DH, the area will overheal all over again.

How, HOW do I get past this awful feeling? Has anyone else ever been through anything like this, and how did you cope? I'm worried that when we finally try to do it I'll be so tense that it will be painful anyway. How can I relax before sex??

Ooh, how brave you are to have gone through all that. Would a little bit of counselling help, maybe a psychosexual specialist if there is such a thing....It seems only natural that you would be tense and nervous after such a trauma.

OK. Well firstly it i hardly surprising that sex is scary now.

However on medical advice your doctor is suggesting that your privates need some action so as not to over-heal. But with sex, the penis is what it is and is only either in or out. You would have to take it very slowly indeed I imagine which could interfere with the sex act itself, making it a exercise to sort your privates rather than an intimate moment IYSWIM.

So maybe you could use one of these in the meantime:

helps stretch

I have one so as to stretch myself in preparation for birth, it is basically a special ballon made of soft silicone-type material, which goes in as small as you like and then you have a hand pump to inflate it as gradually as you like to as large/small as you like as slow as you like. It also has a pressure gauge so you can squeeze your pelvic floor muscles and see how strong they are and over time see how you have improved your strength.

This would enable you to prevent over-healing problems without having full blown sex, which you are hardly going to enjoy yet. Then when you are ready you can enjoy your DH but only once you are ready and in the meantime you will have prevented the problem reoccurring.

HTH

Jenner that looks terrifying! But thank you, I may well give it a go when I am feeling brave!

scarlet have just taken your advice, googled psychosexual specialist (I had no idea that these existed) and made an appointment for next week to go and see a counsellor. I am very nervous but she sounded nice and when I told her the problem she said she's come across it before and is confident she can help me.

I would like to thank both of you for saying what you said about it not being suprising/that I'm brave. It may not seem like much but has made me cry. I am so tired of feeling like a freak. Having it normalised like that is so nice.

Wibblybits, I just wanted to support what Jennerosity is saying, there are 'tools of the trade' to help things stretch and I am disappointed your consultant or GP hasn't suggested this, it's not all about sticking a willy in :(

Of course, that's one way to 'use it or lose it' but it's a pretty harsh and not very creative way to look at it, plus as you say, the trauma of having had painful sex for a while takes a while more to go away. I would also second taking painkillers before sex (ibuprofen or something stronger) so that any momentary wincing (on initial entry) isn't too much and puts you off.

But, of course you can't just rush back into having PIV sex when you've had so many bad experiences and the consultant is obviously a bit crap not to have forseen you might not want to do this immediately. Definitely see the counsellor and also, if you don't fancy sex right away, then do look into ways to stretch your bits in a different way so the scarring doesn't reoccur. Best of luck with this.

I know only too well you feel . I had my dd 26months ago. I had a 3a tear which required theatre stitching but it kept getting infected so three months afterwards I had to have a full restitch. For the months even the thought of inserting a tampon terrified me. I had split from my partner so there wasn't even anyone I could "try" with until she was 11months old. It was excruciating, painful for days after and I bled a little. I went back to my gynae and she said I'm "anatomically" perfect now but I've got a fear and automatically tense muscles. I left it another 9months (this January) when I got together with my now dp. He's been absolutely brilliantly patient and I've learned to just relax which is so much harder than it sounds. I've built up my confidence of being touched manually and orally (sorry tmi) over months and although I'm still nervous of penetration as it is still uncomfortable I'm getting better. I've been told I'll need a csection next time which is fine by me. Don't rush yourself, you've been through a lot. It's taken me over 2 years and I'm still not 100%. Feel free to pm me anytime. Em x

Oh Em thank you so much for sharing that with me (God that sounds a bit touchy-feely but ynwim) - the nurse at my GP surgery kept telling me I was 'fine' too, but all she was doing was peering at me! It wasn't until I had to have a smear a couple of months ago and screamed that the GP finally agreed to refer me agian to the consultant. I know exactly what you mean about the tampon thing I am exactly the same - I'd not used pads before but I can't even imagine inserting a tampon now. I was watching the showjumping on tv the other day and it was making me physically recoil to see women doing that, I just can't imagine being able to!

Mumsy when I went for the second consultation before this latest procedure he said he would refer me for physiotherapy where they'd basically give me dildos (he didn't call them this but I can't remember what word he used!) of different widths to get me used to it but then on the day of the op, when he came to see me beforehand, he said he didn't think it would be necessary. He's a lovely guy and I do have confidence in him but I'm not sure he understands the emotional side of penetration, he merely looks at my bits and sees that he can put them 'right'. I have a follow up appointment with him in four weeks time so I can talk to him about this then and ask that he does organise it for me.

Thank you both x

I hope the counsellor can help OP, best of luck !

OMG you are all so brave & have put up with so much. If ever there was an argument for ELCS this thread is it! (but please let's not!)

I have not been through this... Yet, December is my D-day. Gulp I'm terrified!

I'm sure your counsellor will give you loads of great help but I will add my humble thoughts, based on conversations with a friend about something similar.
Perhaps start off gently & slowly with a very small vibrator/ massager, for a few weeks. Might help you get back in the mood and convince your mind that it will be ok. Also, alcohol is a relaxant and an uninhibitor so a couple of glasses of wine might help too.

You are so brave & totally entitled to a decent painfree sex life.

What amazing ladies you all are! There is no reason why with time, patience support and abit of help you shouldn't begin to get your sex life back, it's not lost forever.

Please be patient with yourself and only do things your comfortable with to begin with. The rediscovery may even be a bit exciting but slowly slowly

No problem. I tried a psychosexual counsellor who gave me some numbing gel which we found crap coz it stopped my dp feeling anything as well! I haven't tried taking painkillers as I don't want it to mask anything but a glass of wine does help and make it lighthearted, have a giggle. I tried dilators from the consultant but they freaked me out. They're basically plastic dildos of varying sizes which comes with a "how to" CDROM. So, from my own experience trying the old fashioned way slowly but surely is the best medicine.

Wibblybits glad you are getting some good help. You are certainly not a freak! Who would have searing pain like this for a prolonged time and then not fear it? You want to enjoy sex with your dh not steel yourself to grin and bear it. Definitely be kind to yourself and give yourself time to recover.
So glad to hear your DH is supportive too - you deserve it. :)