I need tips on how to "cool off" mentally (new relationship)

[NikitasSidekick]

I've only been seeing this guy about 3 weeks so I KNOW how ridiculous I am being here. We've been on lots of great dates, laughed lots, cuddled lots, talked lots and slept together last weekend, spent the whole night hugging and being all lovey dovey - I feel like I've known him for ages but it's been 3 WEEKS. I have to keep telling myself that.

I feel like he blows hot and cold but to be fair, he doesn't really. He texts me every day, we're going to the cinema tonight which he says he's looking forward to, we're going out for dinner on Sunday and we're going camping next weekend yet I sit here thinking "he's not interested". I think about him constantly and I don't want to. I want to be cool. I want to be realistic. I want to remember that it's been 3 WEEKS and I don't really know the guy at all but I'm finding it so difficult.

How do you mentally take a check of yourself and cool off?? I try not to let my feelings show too much towards him - I want him to know I like him and like the way things are going but what I don't want is for him to realise I think about 24/7.

It's probably down to the fact that I've had a string of shit relationships where there has been no physical attraction and/or the guy hasn't been all that caring towards me. This guy is attractive AND he treats me so well I'm scared of losing it when it's the first time I've experienced it.

Any tips appreciated.

Do and think about other things. New relationships are always a bit of a whirl and it can be enormous fun. But, if you are conscious that you are tipping over into obsessive behaviour, you can equally consciously rein it back and maintain more of a balance by keeping up with your normal life and normal activities.

If you've had a string of 'shit relationships' it's tempting to by leap on the next nice man that comes along and grab him with both hands. But also think about how your shit relationships started.... and I'm guessing that the 'he's not interested' insecurity and low-self esteem played a big part in why you continued with men that didn't care about you. So change the commentary in your head to 'I deserve love', don't wear your heart on your sleeve, keep your cool and your cards close until you are much more sure of who this man is.

Good luck

Thanks Cogito, that makes sense. I do keep telling myself that this guy could have a million and one habits that would drive me insane which I don't know of because I don't know him well enough.

Going from your previous threads op it seems that this relationship is moving a bit too fast. There's been some situations that have made you uncomfortable for example talking about his ex wife, mixed signals (although this could be you over analysing things)

I remember the thread about the festival too. How did that go btw?

I think maybe to cool off mentally you need to slow it down a little. By your recent posts you have spent a hell of a lot of time with him, planning camping trips etc.

You still need to have your own life, your own friends and family. Do you think maybe your making yourself too available to him? Make some plans of your own to look forward to that don't involve him. Don't keep all your weekends free in case he wants to see you.

I think everyone can obssess a bit when they meet someone new but the worst thing you can do is over invest yourself too early on.

Take back some control of your emotions by living your life as you were before he came along.

OP haven't you posted about him before? There was a thread about you supposed to be going to a festival with him but then he didn't get in touch with you about it? In that thread it DID seem he was all over you then cooling off so perhaps you are not imagining it?

However I do agree that you probably need to cool yourself off. I don't have any tips though, in my dating days (long ago) I tended to be over the top in feelings and emotions and it did me no favours at all and in fact I was utterly miserable with it. Low self esteem in my case plus some childhood / upbringing issues. I felt a lot better when I stopped relationships or dating or even thinking about being in a relationship and spent some time working on things that directly benefited me (final year university work). Counselling might be an idea if you've got a background of shit relationships.

The festival was brilliant, we had a really good time and then he suggested rather than just getting pissed up all day we go for a drive to the coast, eat fish and chips by the sea etc so we spent a couple of hours at the festival and then went to seaside :) it was lovely and then he said he felt guilty dragging me away from the festival so he drove me back there and we spent another couple of hours there before going back to his house for the night.

Must admit, part of me was worried that after spending the night together he'd disappear but if anything, he seemed to make more effort and has ever since.

I honestly don't think it's him. The problem is mine. I'm paranoid, hard work and a bloody stresshead. Wish I could be cool about it all. I really do.

Cool is as cool does. Behave like a cool person... keep up with your friends, don't leap to his side when he clicks his fingers, maintain your independence, have your say rather than always going along with his plans ... and he will respond accordingly.

When was your last relationship?
What was that like?

Glad you had a lovely day, sounds like my perfect date tbh

Oh btw I was one of the very few posters who told you to go, relax and have a nice time.

You do need to focus on other areas in your life and people - so instead of listing off the dates you have lined up with him what else is planned for the next week or so? Do you have nights out with friends? The old saying "if you want to get a man get a life" really does make sense.

Prior to meeting DH I was in a good place, loads of friends and didn't need a man, then I met DH - the first date went well and he called me to arrange another but I was out with friends and had so much planned that it was difficult to schedule the 2nd. No game playing just genuinely busy. DH didn't become my focus at all for a very long time which in reflection was great. If it had ended I would not have felt such a loss. You are obsessing with him because he is your focus, which isn't really that cool.Get your diary full and scheduled with other events, even if it's going to the gym and then fit him around that.

Agree with other posters. You are inclined to put him first all the time. You could set some guidelines for yourself like leaving time to answer messages, factor in certain amount of time with friends or to yourself as well as to see the man. Doing other things and seeing other people makes you more not less attractive to him. Try to develop more of a sense of what he sees in you and realise that he is the lucky one! He must have thought so to be attracted to you. Now dont prove him wrong by being grateful for his attention and so so eager to please. Sounds exciting though. Enjoy yourself.

Don't make yourself so available to him. I know it's exciting in the early days but everyone still needs their own space eventually and it will come as a shock when he wants to spend time with friends one weekend unless you back off a little.

The way you feel at first is will he wont he etc re contact and it's healthy to feel some angst as it brings it home to you how you feel about someone. If your not bothered then prehaps it's a non starter. If you are checking your phone every five mins then it means you really like him and want the constant contact. So cool it slightly and if he is worth it he will still stick around.