MIL - How can I break the habit of a lifetime and answer back?

[peeppeep1]

My MIL is not evil but now and again she makes me want to explode and I don't. After 20 years of her trying to create some weird competitive thing between her siblings partners, I have given up trying to make her happy. Please help me to stand up to her and shut her up for good because it's making me ill! She does suffer with depression and panic attacks so I do have to be careful what I say otherwise she'll have one of her "turns"!
Recent example at her birthday tea (always in front of everyone) - "look DIL, SIL has made me a birthday cake. Look DIL, SIL has made the scones. Look DIL, DD has bought me this"
She loves fuss and I know she does it to make me want to do more for her/buy her a bigger present/visit her more often etc - but it makes me do the opposite!
I know she wouldn't dream of saying the same things to her DD and SIL. It's always directed at me.
My DH lets it go over his head and is used to his sister being the more favoured sibling, and he would never dream of standing up to his mum.
HELP!!!!

What did you relpy to her at her birthday? A simple well arent you lucky would work wouldnt it. Doesn't have ot be snappy or rude, take what shes saying at face value and reply accordingly.

First you have to remember that you can't make her happy. If you behaved like your SIL, one of them would up the stakes.

Could you go round less?

Smile sweetly and say that's nice :)

Don't get sucked in.

I know it's galling but you can't afford to respond with anything other than platitudes or you'll look bitter. 'SIL baked a cake'. 'Lovely'. 'DD bought me a Faberge Egg'. 'Lovely'.

However, if you can't help yourself you could try some of my DM's withering backhanders. e.g. The day my famously lazy SIL baked a very elaborate cake. 'It's quite lovely dear but I suppose when you're sat at home all day doing nothing, you need something to keep you occupied'.

Absolutely go on a charm offensive, even to the extent of complimenting the SIL's on their delicious cakes. You don't have to mean it if the cakes are actually only mediocre, or the presents are ridiculous. You can make noises about more visiting when the subject crops up, such a pity we are so busy it's a struggle to fit everything in, especially at weekends and so on. I see no reason why DH can't go without you sometimes, it's him she wants to see, and you are the one most upset by her behaviour, so you would gain by not going. I suspect that DH doesn't even think there is a problem with his family, as he has lived with it this way all his life.

You're right about not wanting to upset her due to the depression, but this illness does mean she is more self-centred and will dissolve into tears at the least perceived slight. I think that seeing her less, or the same amount but shorter visits; continue to buy presents as usual and don't compete with the SIL's/DD to buy the best/most expensive, and lots of effusive 'thats lovely, MIL!' There's not much you can do if DH is hopeless, except treat the whole thing as a pantomime and try to see the funny side.

Drown her in sugar. Reply to everything with comments about how lovely the cake/present/visit is, compliment her DD and other DIL on how lovely they are, how lovely their presents are, how kind it is of them to have done it. Then she can't whinge or complain about your behaviour.

And offer to do things when you are there - like setting the table, doing the dishes, whatever, just make sure you're always "making a fuss of her" in little ways that don't require you to actually visit more often or buy her stuff.

You can't change her, and your DH seems to have found ways to deal with being the less-favoured child, so just find ways of not letting her get to you.

Thank you all for your comments. I have decided to go with the "aren't you lucky" tactics. Life's too short!!

Follow the great advice on here. However, if it was me I'd go down the surly route, say "So what?", then put my feet up on the sofa - IN SHOES!

But I'm a contrary mare. It does get me in trouble sometimes.

Act like you are your SIL's cheerleader so: "oh wow, did SIL make these? Isn't she fantastic! I wish I could bake like her." and "That's a gorgeous present, isn't SIL generous! DH, look what your sister got your mum, isn't she kind?" delivered with a killer smile and acting like you are trying to convince your MIL how great SIL is.

Remember, SIL will be getting the same treatment back about anything you do for MIL.

No never put yourself down in comparison, but if you can bear it get in first with the gushing...

You've got to think Madagascar Penguins "just smile and wave boys, just smile and wave"
It's how I deal with MIL!! It works, honestly, just ignore everything else!! Good luck x

Sorry if I've mislead anyone but the SIL I refer to is the MIL's daughter's hubby (kind of thinking he's maybe got issues if all he ever does is bake cakes)
Stangirl - I sooooo want to be you!!
Name7 - And that's what I'll do like always!!
Thanks all xx

*So when I typed SIL I meant son in law!
(Sorry all but I'm new to mumsnet)