My children don't want to go and see their abusive father despite a court order saying they must.

[missmum7]

The dilemma as it it stands is that I face prison if I don't send my children OR I send them against their will to stay with their Dad who regularly smacks, cuts nails so short they bleed, shouts and swears at them etc.

I've spent 50 thousand in court so far but the Judge is adamant this is a parental feud.

In the current court order, there is a prohibitive steps order which says he can't do those things but he ignores it (according to the children). Can't afford to take it back to court. GP is very supportive. No-one else seems to be able to help. Any advice?

Surely you can withold contact on the grounds that he is breaching the prohibited steps order as you have evidence to back this up. Have you spoken to Women's Aid, as well? They might be able to recommend a better lawyer, one who understands abusers and how to defeat them.

I was wondering whether you could involve the Children's Guardian? My friend's child is supposed to be under her care, and the child also has her own solicitor - this was directed by the court. Having said that, I think CG is part of CAFCASS who were useless earlier in the process and didn't seem to have enough time to gain child's trust Also, CG seems to have been a bit slow off the mark - she is supposed to assess before Sept.

Child lives with ex and seems to be being subjected to parental alienation.

Is there anyone out there that can help me? I have three chi,drew, a 7 year old daughter, a 9 year old son, and an 11 year old daughter. I have recently been interviewed by Cafcass on the phone. I am awaiting a court date, as my ex is taking me to court for a Child Arrangement Order. he has run off with another woman, and is now living with her and her two children ( an 8 year old girl, and a 19 year old son...). My three children are still coming to terms that their dad has left, gone off with another woman, and now they are living together. All in the space of 4 months....

They are all refusing contact. Their father assaulted me in May, and my eldest was witness to that.

I am petrified that it will go to court, and he will obtain every other weekend, and once during the week access, and the three children will be forced to sleep round his new house, and forced to accept his new partner and her children. God only knows how this is going to affect them.... ?

Cafcass have recommended a feelings and wishes report.... But, if my three children adamantly refuse contact, what can I do? Are they supposed to be manhandled out of the house, and forced to go? It's just an awful situation. A child should wish to willingly go with their father. If they refuse, have they got the right?

Bumping for you Dutch72 - though you may find it a better idea to start your own thread in relationships
Very kindest to you
MNHQ

Hi Dutch,

Sounds awful. It is the child's right to have a relationship with both parents. I was told you cannot force children to have contact if they are hysterical and highly upset as this will further traumatize them.
Same with phone calls. Just what are you supposed to do if they refuse to answer, run away or switch the phone off?

It's a difficult situation. I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Unfortunately for my three children, their father left... And literally 4 weeks later ' daddy has a new girlfriend'! Then subsequently, 7 weeks after moving out, he tried to force an encounter with his new partner! Needless to say, after one event after another, 4 months down the line, kids want nothing to do with him. They are worried and anxious he will obtain an order through court (child arrangement order) and they will be forced into overnight stays, alternate weekends...

Feel like running away... Or indeed switching off my phones

Breathe. And again. And take another big breath.

Cafcass have suggested a wishes and feeling report. This is good. They will interview both of the parents (separately) and then speak with the children. The children will have a trusted adult with them if they wish, this may be a teacher from school if the interviews are done there. Cafcass will speak to the school and look at attendance records and ask staff questions and probe for any concerns.

Certainly your 11 year old will be listened to, as will both the younger ones, but it will partly depend on their level of maturity and understanding.

The Court will probably suggest you both go on a parenting course and /or mediation. They are reluctant to impose an order, preferring parents to sort things out for themselves.

So, it is likely you have some time yet and possibly a couple more court appearances. Right, say the worst happens and he gets the access you fear is too much for your children. If it is not going to work because of too much hostility between you, lack of communication and most importantly the children are adamant they are not going then you can go back to court and ask for a variation or dismissal of the order. (I think the form is C79). You then get your chance to tell the court what is happening and how distressed the children are. It is after all about them.

Look up Coram Legal and have a chat with them. It's free and might help set your mind at rest a little.

Your children have a right to contact with their father but it may well be that they need a lot of time and space before they are ready. You have to make sure that you are not unduly influencing them (I don't suppose you are) as in later years they may resent you and regret the wasted time. Honesty is best always.

Bless you. Thank you so much for your post. It was very kind of you, and gave me a little reassurance. It made me cry when I first read it. I feel like I am on my own. I'm up against a very controlling man, who is used to getting his own way. He's a detective inspector, and so is his new partner. I feel somewhat intimidated, and that it's two against one. The mere thought of court terrifies me. I haven't ever been in that environment before...and I know my ex too well, he will conduct himself well, and I myself will become a tearful wreck.

It's a long story, but I have suffered years of being under his control, with out realising it. I was just happy to be a mother, a wife and a homemaker.
I guess I lost my identity along the way...but now things aren't going his way, and the children are being more defiant. He gets nasty when he doesn't get what he wants, on his terms. I guess in his job and position, he is used to 'yes' rather than a 'no'. The kids have seen me upset, low, and watched their dad run off into the arms of another woman... Whilst their mum recovered from a a major operation on both of my legs a mere two weeks later, and be incapacitated, yet still somehow managed to struggle and carry on with the kids.

All I ultimately wish for, is to have full parental rights, and custody. I just want to give my children the reassurance that things will be on their terms, and that they will not be forced into doing something they do not wish... Even overnight stays. If eventually they do wish to, then that's fine. But I'm petrified the court will allow overnight stays, and I will be in a position where the children refuse, and again he starts exerting his authority, and flex's his muscles with in his occupation to intimate and scare me.

I shall definitely look up coram legal, and get some advice, thank you.

At the end of the day, I've three children who are hurt, and their trust has been very much blown out of the water. They are scared they will be forced to accept his new life and partner, when they are voicing they don't wish to be a part of it now. I understand things will change in time, and I hope they do. All I can do for the time being is concentrate my energy on making them feel
As happy, loved and secure as possible, and the reassurance that I'm not going anywhere.

Dutch

How are you today? Please don't worry too much. And do start your own thread as I think you will find reassurance and practical advice on there especially for you. You're not alone and many of us have been and still are in very similar positions.

Hope to see your thread soon x

This man is hurting them when they go to see him. My advice is to get evidence, eg photos of their nails after visiting them and a record of what they say about their time with him. It really gets to me that you're being threatened with prison if you don't let him see them. You're just trying to protect your children, which is your job as a good mother. I know someone whose children were being harmed by their father's new girlfriend, and she managed to stop them visiting him, supported by their evidence. Have you got a Solicitor? You need one to be on your side, then you can go to Court and stop their abusive father seeing them, at least on his own.