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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Had police around again!

61 replies

seaofyou · 08/08/2012 01:12

Ok it has been a long time since they came round last...but was terrified earlier!

Background ex attacked my house on many occassions police could not do anything as not caught in act even though spotted in next street by witnesses and he lives abroad!

Sunday night just after 10pm...about to get up to go to bed and a green circle light like a small torch/Ben10 projector green light moving around on inside of my living room curtains. I ran upstairs to check CCTV and 3 young blokes ? Early twenties were crossing road towards my house at time of this mysterious green light! I thought naw kids messing around!

Tonight same time same 3 lads walking past house and as in view of CCTV they start to throw a ? Small ball just missing my car. I look to end of street and man like my ex standing their waiting for these boys and turns corner with them! Again gives it benefit of doubt...lots of gas lighting from ex so trying not to be paranoid!

Few minutes later notice my outside sensor light is on? I rewind CCTV few minutes and that same man is walking past my house really really slowly staring at CCTV?

Terrified called police..they have been good and told me to call them if those boys come back again.

It brings the sheer terror back again! Sitting at window with all lights off praying he does not return with mobile in hand and 999 ready!
If B you read this thank you for being on end of phone and waiting till early hours for me to finish with police.

Hope the night goes fast and I just collapse with exhaustion!

OP posts:
izzyizin · 08/08/2012 17:49

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Which is why I'm on vacation 5 hours behind UK time and have stayed up all night to watch this morning's Athletics session purely because my dc attended said event along with a group of pals.

I didn't do so in the hope I would spot my dc in the crowd but because I was terrified feeling anxious that some untoward happening would occur.

The fact that I'm still barely awake some 4 hours after the end of the session is due to my dc failing to text me as promised after they'd left the stadium and were their way home.

Umpteen texts and one tres expensive call which went to voicemail later, I've received the long awaited missive which says they've had a great time and are now getting inebriated safely ensconced in a hostelry close to our home.

I guess that means I can go get some shuteye and do it all over again in a few days time when they fly out to join me Smile

izzyizin · 08/08/2012 18:02

If I knew where they lived, I'd go throw hand them a couple of bricks, garlic or order a ton to be left on their front garden path Grin

Because it didn't occur to me that anyone would take a couple of bricks from underneath a huge and heavy pot Shock it took me a while to work out why most of the plant was stlll clinging to the trellis while it's lower portons had become severed detached.

Live and learn, as they say. The front window boxes have been moved to the back of the house and my replacement wheelie bin is now chained and padlocked to a wall Smile

seaofyou · 09/08/2012 00:30

Izzy I really appreciate your input and humor you always make me laugh when I am in total fear! Kinda counteracts each other then. I am glad you heard from your children and they are having fab time at Olympics!

GB that is mad your bricks are being kicked...you want to get on website Imperial suggested they have driveway alarms.

I have been watching and it is quiet all night thankfully but this isn't reassuring my gut instinct to stay on guard! Otherwise I would be fast asleep but on automatic pilot instead.

Thank you all for helping me through the night some old friends who have held my hand through last few years lovely support. It is so hard going through this with no RL support.

MathAnxiety I keep rereading what you say! I was told same thing by victim support manager who called it revenge instead of vendetta...same thing though you both said! How do I survive this type of person who will carry on until I am crushed! He is trying to get a way to get to me and each time gets closer takes more steps closer. Will their come a time or a plan to outsmart the CCTV to get at me...the arson team have told me ways but I keep them secret as this is how a murderer works and for me to be aware of!
Knowledge is power I am playing a human game of chess constantly..I have had beginners luck so far and manage to stop him doing anything really bad!

But the doing it to create a wave of fear for my life response in me is feeding his ego? Need? Addiction?

Anyone who knows a guide how to survive this type of person which he always used to scream down phone to me 'you have ruined my life' I am always blamed when something goes wrong...he blamed me when his marriage failed..they always rowed over me and ds. Why? We were never in the picture!?

I have had it looked at by another mum and it is a male in the car with a cap and hand pulling jacket over face as driving past slowly...I saw a glimpse of the male 2 days earlier and I knew it was him just needed clarification from someone else...but police won't do anything as he was only driving past and parked outside my house!

OP posts:
izzyizin · 09/08/2012 02:47

Please try to get a different perspective on this, honey.

If he was intent on revenge or had embarked on some vendetta against you, your phone would be ringing off the hook. your email inbox would be deluged, you'd be getting pizzas/cabs/hearses/wedding cars turning up at all hours, and you'd spot him hanging around on virtually a daily basis.

The fact is he hasn't screamed down the phone at you for years, he may have blamed you when his marriage failed but you have no idea if he still blames you for that or any other ills that have befallen him, and if he was responsible for the 'attacks' on your door he's not come further than the road outside your home since you installed cctv.

He lives in another country, he fetches up twice a year if that and, far from 'taking more steps' to get closer, if anything he's retreating.

If he had wanted to get into your home he would have done so by now, and let's look at your worst fear realised which is that you'd wake up to find in him your house.

What would you do? I somehow doubt that you'd sit quietly while he murders you and, as I've said before, my money would be on you to kick his arse out the front door in double quick time with or without the help of the police.

In some of your earlier posts you've endeavoured to label him as a 'path' of some sort. An apath, bpath, monster raving loonypath, when the truth is that he's a common or garden twat of the deeply ineffectual variety.

If you are playing 'a game of human chess constantly', you're playing it with yourself and you haven't had 'beginner's luck' at stopping him doing anything 'really bad' because he doesn't done anything really bad.

As for 'surviving' him, you'll outlive him by many years and he doesn't have the ability to crush you - only you can do that to yourself.

He was 'parked' outside your house 2 days ago? If you see him parked outside your home again, call the police, get a camera, and take photos of him.

You've said you live in a cul de sac which leads to nowhere and it should be patently obvious to the police that he doesn't need to drive past, or park up anywhere near, your house.

If your cctv doesn't have much going for it in the way of clarity, they're not expensive - buy another and hook it up to a tv in a upstairs front room with the camera partially concealed by a curtain.

All in all, honey, he's about as much nuisance as a fly, but you can swat him more easily than one of those dratted insects.

FTR, and to clarify one of my earlier responses, I am certainly not advocating that you don't call the police if you suspect he's up to no good outside your home but, in the light of recent developments with SS in respect of other allegations you've made against him, if you should need to call the police because of any untoward activity outside your home, I am advocating that you do not mention his name unless you have irrefutable evidence that he's responsible or in some way involved.

You need to protect your back in more ways than one, honey, and you can best do this by refraining from making any further allegations against him unless you are in a position to provide proof positive of what you are claiming.

Vent on here by all means, but please don't use it as an exercise in fuelling your already vivid imagination. He's not the boogeyman, honey. He's a drink/drug addled twat who would most probably jump out of his skin if you marched up to him and said 'boo'.

I know you can do this, sea. You've fought like a tigress for your ds and all you need to do now is to apply the same drive and determination to building a less isolated life for yourself.

Maybe you can do this by spending more time on this site dispensing more of what I know to be your excellent advice to others who are battling to get the best for their dc as you once did. And, hopefully, you'll build up a group of virtual reality friends who can help to keep you grounded when your fears get the better of you.

Laugh more often, honey, because life is good and he is laughable Grin

mathanxiety · 09/08/2012 03:15

Sea you need to develop a network in RL. Knowledge is power, but so is publicity and so is your phone and your willingness to use it when you are scared. You need people and you need to be less isolated. Look online and at your local library for any local group you could join even if you have zero interest in what the group does. Go to your local churches and see if there are volunteering opportunities that would get you into a group that meets regularly.

The worst things you can do are trying to control him yourself by engaging with him personally and keeping it all under your hat, or trying not to antagonise him by thinking twice about calling the police.

Remember he is a beginner at this long distance game too.

Do you have a non-molestation order or an occupation order with power of arrest attached? There are also restraining orders.

seaofyou · 09/08/2012 03:26

No he wasn't in car 2 days ago...it was after he was served. I was on about CCTV footage I kept Izzy. Police don't want to see it!

He is over a lot more than twice a year as been here at least twice in last yr (seen by me and tutor)

You are right Though Izzy I can't say to police it's my ex can I! But at same time they are not bothered to look at CCTV footage I have.

Yes I am end house that leads down long road to 5 culdesacs but they have opened one as built new houses so there is another way out for people who live down that end. Don't know if ex would know that as mile away.

I changed my numbers/emails years ago because of that though....I am not a fb/twitter etc I am unknown on Internet. He has reported me to SS 3 times now that is a vendetta is it not?

I think my worst thing for me is just the fear. I know he can't get in. My house is secure but it is the fear the past attacks and sightings. I think I have PTSD from it and hyper vigilant (not paranoid) so cases like now I get really distressed.

I do support a lot of MN friends on here Izz I am setting up parent group and going to uni..hope to go back to my job too if they let me have school hours can't do anymore than that LOL! I am trying to move my life along so fingers crossed. But thank you for the suggestions as really good:)

OP posts:
seaofyou · 09/08/2012 03:45

Hi Math thanks for getting back too. I am starting in Sept group and uni and ?work so really looking forward to that. I gave a talk to 300 people 6 wks ago..hadn't left my house for 5 yrs really so big change but loved it! Hope to meet friends at uni.

I don't engage with ex..I changed all numbers/emails and contact with ds in 2008 then the attacks started not long after. Well I have 15 calls to police but he has been here at least double that. It was more because police thought I was making it up or ignoring it as being OTT ex GF? Police said they could not do anything without evidence...now I have CCTV footage they are asking for car reg no...I would not go outside on my own. I asked them to look at CCTV but they are not interested as he was only parked and driving past 4 times in one night.
So by not calling police does that make ex more angry Math? How best should I manage this? I think ignoring was best ie not feed a narc etc? I am open to suggestions anything to stop ex and leave us alone.

This is why I didn't phone Sunday night...but police officer last night said to phone anytime I feel a person is acting strange outside etc

Solicitor said I could not get order without evidence of attacks..well he stopped since CCTV went up so that is my order I guess! So no order and like Izzy said I need evidence...I know and the witnesses know it was him but without CCTV and caught kicking door etc I am walking on thin ice as this could be the opening for ex to get revenge by saying I am the liar I guess!

Wish I had put CCTV inside house now I would have the evidence 10 times over!

OP posts:
izzyizin · 09/08/2012 03:55

Why have the police not taken a look at the footage when they've called? Is because they're taking the view that anyone is entitled to drive/park on a public highway?

I'm concerned about the quality of your cctiv system. Are the images so grainy that you can't identify faces?

I seem to recall saying to you before that it's a shame your cctv camera is so clearly visible.

Obviously it acts a deterrent to burglars and opportunist thieves, but he's unlikely to come any near your doors/windows now and that kind of defeats the object as it would have been better to have known once and for all if it was him playing silly buggers with your door.

izzyizin · 09/08/2012 04:24

Every time he come over on the ferry, he's left a paper trail and establishing whether he's in the UK at any given time shouldn't be a problem.

What we don't want is sod's law to apply where you're convinced that one of cctv grainy images is him and make a complaint to the police who subsequently determine that he wasn't in the UK at the relevant time.

I'm going to have a think about this, grab some sleep, and will come back here tomorrow.

Try to get some sleep yourself, honey. Daylight is always best for clear thinking.

seaofyou · 09/08/2012 04:24

i know Izzy the day they fitted CCTV I asked about putting it inside. They showed me the quality of picture through double glazing with lead crisscross through it! It was much worse the picture and then they said glare off sun on glass and rain on outide of window, so had to go with outside. The picture in the day as colour is really clear, night vison ok if 3 feet of front door...but at end of path and road esp cars and they have the glass issue too.

In Nov when I phoned police LOL they said I needed car reg number and was not interested in CCTV footage doh!
Yesterday police said make copies of these people up and down and if pattern or behaviours then call us! Well the man who looks like ex (cant say it is can I) was walking passed slowly starring at CCTV...I cant call police back for that?

OP posts:
seaofyou · 09/08/2012 04:26

ds got to be up for swimming lesson in 2 hrs...this is what the PTSD does to me cant sleep for days...then I collapse (asleep)

Thank Izzy any suggestions would be great. Night night

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