Loveless marriage

[ratflavouredjelly]

Im really starting to come to terms with the fact that I no longer love my husband. (or rather haven't done for years really).
I love him like a friend - but there is no spark. We have 2 DC (3 & 5).
Am v unhappy. I always stood by the principle that I would never stay in a relationship if I was not happy but the little ones are my life and I'vd tried to make it work for them.
He is in debt, has no work at the mo - I'm paying for everything -
MY once immaculate credit rating is getting trashed.
I've had enough. :-(

If it's been like this for years and you're certain you've had enough, tell him it's over. OTOH, if you think the financial problems and job-loss are triggering the way you feel, talk to him about it and see what can be done. If you love him like a friend, rediscovering a spark can be as simple as taking time out to reconnect, reminisce and be kind to each other. If you can't see a future, however, best to cut your losses.

If you have had enough, then work out a plan for life without him.

Children deserve honesty. They also deserve the chance to witness a loving relationship, or even no relationship, rather than a destructive one.

However, sparks can be re-ignited too. So if you are absolutely sure that you dont love him, then leave him, so that you are both free to meet partners that you do love. If any bit of you thinks that you do want to be with him if only you could have that spark back, then work on that.

Kids are resilient and will cope with their parent separating.

Re the debts. Is he looking for work, or is he sat there expecting you to do it all while he gets you both into debt?

Thanks for replies ladies. Some really good advice - which helps put the pros and cons in front of me. Squeakytoy - I'm currently working out a battleplan involving CAB, 30 mins solicitors appointment, getting all papers in order etc etc

I'm under no illusion how painful this could/may/will be - bug I think it will kill any spirit I have to stay in this dead relationship. And yes, children do deserve honesty and the chance to see their parents happy in their presence. I think better to have 2 happy homes rather than 1 unhappy home. (not that I would put any of the painful adult stuff in front of them).
hmmm - will sleep on it (again).
Thankyou!

What do you mean by "no spark" OP? The feeling of being "in love" is not something that is usually for ever. It fades over time in 9/10 couples, apparently. Being "in love" is an evolutionary mechanism; it has been shown to last about as long as it would take a couple to conceive a child and raise it to maturity (but obviously differs from case to case). If you have someone who you love and respect, and who loves and respects you back then you have more than many people. If you leave you might find it again, only to have it fade again.

There again, if you can't bear to have sex with him or really hate being in his company, that's maybe a different scenario?

Deep down I don't think I care about getting the spark back. It's like the early days of war of the roses where she gets irritated by everything Michael Douglas does LOL.
He is looking for work but IMO has drifted too long and looks to me as someone he can help drive forward because of my wage, ideas etc. I need him to 'man up.' (Reverting to my northern roots). I'm on a decentish wage but it's only 3 days a week.
I've also been off work with stress and delayed bereavement reaction so this just adds to the pot! Ah well.

Careful observer, good point about how love can manifest itself - I'm afraid my scenario is your bottom paragraph.

He is kind, but it's not enough. And I don't think I can spend the rest of my life pretending. He also has his head in dreamworld half the time IMO. Sometimes feel like he's a big kid. Owes a fortune on credit cards and he seems to think the money will magically appear.

Sorry to come in late.
have read your thread about 3 times for some reason.
Does he know you are seeing solicitors and CAB about leaving him?Or are you seeing them about money matters?
Does he know how close you are to leaving him?
Have you put it all on the line to him?

I found out my OH was gambling in sept 2009 but he looked me in the eye, cried and swore it was a mistake and he would never do it again, i stupidly beliieved him (because he could look me in the eye) then when I was 2 months pregnant discovered £10,000 of our savings was 'missing', he shouted at me saying i was accusing him of stealing etc but i was convinced he was lying so recalled all savings statements - he had gambled it all. He agreed to go to GA and I have to believe he did - no proof though. Now my DB is nearly 2 years old and my OH and I have not been 'close' since i found out he could look me in the eye and lie, i'm not sure i love him anymore or if its because we have been estranged so long ( he works away in week) how do i know if i love him or if its because i hate him for looking me in eye whilst he lied and gambled our sons future money? I dont know what to do, he is more like a lodger than husband but dont want my little man to lose his dad. why did he have to lie so easily and how can i trust him again, anyone have experience in this?
Desperate

No experience of any of that.
You may want to start your own thread.
Has he been lying or gambling since?

amillionyears no he doesn't know yet. I will obviously sit down with him and may evengo to relate.But I'm so fed up of supporting all of us on a part time job. He does tend to live in dreamland. He would plod on in a bad relationship and not speak, but I cannot live like that.

He's said two words to me tonight. The age gap (7 years) is starting to show i feel and he just sits in a chair and either drinks red wine or looks at his phone and falls asleep snoring (like an old man, I'm afraid to say). I've been thinking FFS, 'Is this really it?"!!

I think it is time to tell him everything before it all gets even worse.
Lay out what you want and expect from him.Dont leave anything out.

You seem to have made you mind up OP and that's absolutely fine too. People don't usually come to these decisions lightly. I'm an advocate for throwing the towel in if it really doesn't work for you. Lifes far too short. Your children are very small and in my opinion, now is the best time to do it where kids are concerned.

Maybe a few sessions at relate may help you to end things finally and amicably.

Relate might be good for managing the separation amicably, but you are absolutely right to want to get away from this man, who is a drain on all your resources.

Yeah MissFaversam life absolutely is too short. I'm going to try to have the conversation next week. This isn't an overnight thing. I tense up when he comes in the house & he's avoiding me. It's a shame but I feel nothing as I sit here. I feel like I can't help him anymore - he's coasted along relying on me for too long. Yes he has been supportive through stuff but I don't need a father figure - I need a man who is my equal, who I can respect - and that also means on an intellectual and conversational level, if that strikes a cord with anyone...
I do feel regret however and sadness that it's come to this. But we have 2 gorgeous children.

Been to CAB. Seeing solicitor for 30 min free session on weds. I got lucky with a cancelled Appointment. May re-post in separation/divorce area to ask specific questions x