NPD Mum and female friendship

[Bergitte]

Hi,

I've recently stumbled on info about NPD and believe I was raised by a Mother with many traits. An example - my son died at 4 weeks and she failed to come to the funeral as she couldn't "cope" (you get the idea!) Without therpay I've managed to work through a lot of issues caused by my upbringing and my DH and I are working hard to raise our family in a healthy way. However, I struggle with anxiety and would pursue therapy when I can afford to. I have confronted my parents and recieved the predictable response of outrage/denial. Contact is limited and controlled by me nowadays.

Ultimately I don't wish to dwell on the past and feel that my life is ok. However, there is one legacy I'm left with which I hate. I find it so hard to form close relationships with women. I'm imagining it's not uncommon but it really makes me sad (and ashamed). I think I suffered from social anxiety as a teen and blushed/ couldn't make eye contact. I am now 90% confident in the presence of women (and have learnt decent social skills!) although I can't bear groups. However, I almost don't feel female myself as if my Mother has robbed me of my essence somehow. I crave female intimacy and have a couple of very close female friends who have sadly moved away (one to Australia). I usually feel that I'm on the fringe and have aquaintances... I guess I feel that women might dislike me and when they fail to call me I think this is what's happened. I also have a real radar for people with mental health issues and tend to shy away.

Is this a common difficulty and am I stuck with it?
Many thanks

I can't quote you any stats or research but I can tell you I also struggle with female friendships. I'm much better now but in the past have found it really tough to feel relaxed spending time with women. My mum has characteristics which fit the NPD pattern.

Feeling on the edge of things, social anxiety in my younger days, those ring true for me too. I had a long time in group therapy which helped a lot. Only in therapy did I allow myself to realise the mother issues I was carrying.

I had a fantastic mother who really couldn't have done a much better job but I also really struggle with female friendships. I was quite badly bullied at school (by boys however), and I feel this has caused me many relationship problems as an adult re friendship. I was going to start my own thread about female friendship and may yet do so but I shall be watching what advice others can give you, OP. Your circumstances aren't identical but they seem to have produced a similar end result. In fact, I felt this line in particular could have been written by me:

"I usually feel that I'm on the fringe and have aquaintances... I guess I feel that women might dislike me and when they fail to call me I think this is what's happened."

I also have two very close female friends who also moved away and I have found it near impossible to find new (female) friendships.

Are you in the UK and if so which part? Maybe a mumsnetter could offer some R/L support? Also, counselling should be free on the NHS and waiting lists, where I am any way, have been greatly reduced.

"I usually feel that I'm on the fringe and have aquaintances... I guess I feel that women might dislike me and when they fail to call me I think this is what's happened."

This is a symptom of low self esteem, something which would be a legacy from your NPD mother. Even though you have managed to sort out a lot, from your psot, there will be some underlying problems that you still haven't managed to address and counselling may help you get there.
Hope you can manage to get some professional help with this as it may bring more benefits than you expect. x

Hi :) Adding to what others have already said, I identify with this too: "I almost don't feel female myself". It's a thing I find very hard to explain - and I have no problem with female friendships in general - but the soft, fluffy, sugar'n'spice side of femininity feels "other" to me. This feeling inhibits much of the softer elements of friendship with other women. Women often think I'm gay. My mother did appropriate these qualities for herself and rob me of them (she saw me as a sexual rival; long story) - yet, talk to anyone who knows me and they will use all those feminine words about me I am an adequately feminine woman, it's just that I don't feel it.

This is an insomniac brain dump and I probably shouldn't have posted right now, but your post spoke to me so clearly I wanted to respond!

I hope you'll be able to find the right therapist for you, and to afford her, before too very long. It helps a lot with bringing issues out of the shadows.

It is common to find you have acquaintances but no close friends, yes. There's some oft-quoted wisdom about three close, true friends being the most one may hope for in a lifetime. You're probably expecting too much of yourself: that's common, too, among folks with unreasonable parents.
I bet you're actually very nice :)

Can I ask what NPD is/stands for?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I think somebody's already mentioned the Emotional Abuse threads here. If you're interested in finding out more, take a look through some of the links in the first post :)
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1514011-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-abusive-relationships-number-10