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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The Incredible Sulk

27 replies

meowmix · 09/03/2006 11:19

I went out with a girlfriend for the first time this year last night and got home about 10.30ish. Admittedly I had thought I'd be back at 9pm but left it a bit late to get the train I'd planned on and then 2 were cancelled so I was late. I rang DH and told him what was happening so he didn't worry(he's a SAHD., I work) but the minute I got home he threw a sulk (still ongoing).

This keeps happening and I'm fed up. FFS its not like I'm out all the time, I'm not dancing wildly in a club I'm just sharing a bottle of wine, a pizza and the gossip with a friend. He's been out more than me this year - once till 3am, rendering him utterly useless the next day but I didn't sulk. I probably go out with a friend once every 6 weeks.

So what do I do - not go out with friends (which means not going out really) or just accept that if I do I have to deal with the Incredible Sulk? SAHMs - how would you react in his shoes??

OP posts:

Piffle · 09/03/2006 11:22

Go and enjoy the peace while he sulks
I'd ignore it and say if has a problem about it, could be please articulate it...
Rather than take the juvenile option of sulking.
Men, it's like having an extra toddler sometiems!

Original poster

meowmix · 09/03/2006 11:25

I HATE the sulking, its a new thing since he became SAHD. Makes me want to walk out.

How do you stop someone sulking tho?

OP posts:

LillyPink · 09/03/2006 11:46

At the end of a day with young kids, perhaps have been stuck inside all day, it can be a bit gloomy spending the evening on your own while your partner goes out straight from work.

However, everyone needs their own space and time out from kids and partner,and hes got a bit of a cheek sulking especially if he enjoys nights out without you too........

Mazzystar · 09/03/2006 11:54

I wouldn't sulk at an hour and a half late with explanatory phone call. I HAVE been known to screech a bit at DH arriving home legless and smelling of kebab at 3.30 am after saying he was going for one drink after work.

Maybe there is something else going on?

crazydazy · 09/03/2006 11:56

My DP is like this too, in the beginning it really bothered me but now as I have grown older and wiser and because my DP is good in other ways I have just come to live with it, my friends accept that I won't go into town with them.....its just easier that way because DP sulks and in the past has got quite nasty if I have ever been late home and tbh its just not worth the hassle.

He never goes out himself and only wants to go out if he's going out with me, he's always been like this though. I went out a couple of weeks ago for a friend's birthday, he went out with his mates and then INSISTED on meeting me at 10.00 and then he just stayed with the girls until we went home about 1.00ish.

LillyPink · 09/03/2006 12:02

CrazyDazy - thats not fair to you . I don't think that you should have to put up with that. I have been in a similar psition and its not right.

crazydazy · 09/03/2006 12:05

I know but I love my DP and I love the way he is 90% of the time, he's loving, loyal and supportive of our family. He's just incredibly jealous and insecure and I had to basically make a choice between having freedom to go out when I wanted or making DP happy - I chose the latter...tbh as I have got older I have got less interested in going out around town etc as I get drunk far too quickly and suffer for too long afterwards.

LillyPink · 09/03/2006 12:13

Lol, I know what you mean about the effects of alcohol lasting too long these days. If I go out it takes me about two days to recover from it!

I suppose if you are happy with that its your choice in a way. And you are lucky that he is an excellent DP in all the other aspects.

Personally speaking though, it would make me feel very resentful and suffocated.

Original poster

meowmix · 09/03/2006 13:00

I don't think DH is jealous/worried I'll meet someone else but maybe he's jealous that my attention is elsewhere? I don't think I'm willing to forgo friendships completely tho.

OP posts:

Original poster

meowmix · 09/03/2006 13:39

Ok BUMP BUMP BUMP

He's still sulking, He rang me at work to sulk, I cannot stand this. What should I do?

OP posts:

MeerkatsUnite · 09/03/2006 14:24

meowmix,

Would you say he is controlling?.

He has no right to sulk like this - he needs to put his own house in order.

Any chance of trying to talk to him about this when he comes out of his strop?.

Crazydazy,

He should not be controlling your every move - he does not even want you to go out without him fgs!!!.

You have come to live with it but no-one but no-one has the right to control another person.

Am sorry but not at all surprised therefore to see that your partner is still being controlling towards you. Your partner has serious problems with control and unless he is willing to seek help for same his control issues will worsen. I felt quite sad actually reading your message because he's done a damn fine job to date of keeping you in the gilded cage of his own making (he has managed to isolate you from your friends socially). Your situation re him will not improve - if anything his controlling will get worse and he won't stop at isolating your friends. Do you not think that he has serious issues re power and control?.

Would suggest you read a copy of "Why does he do that. Inside the mind of angry and controlling men" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Apologies for threadjack

Original poster

meowmix · 09/03/2006 14:36

No my DH really isn't controlling, he's pretty laid back and calm usually. We're very close, friends as much as husband/wife. We snip and bicker like anyone else, but this sulking - oh my god. I feel absolutely dreadful today, really churned up. I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill but genuinely I don't know what to do. I don't feel that I have anything to apologise for.

OP posts:

sophiecustessofwessex · 09/03/2006 14:41

"look shittyface, i haven't done anything wrong, if your jealous i went out thats hardly my problem. go out with your mates - if you cant find any then thats not my problem either. i am your partner in life not your fucking punchbag for when your fucked off with life. when you get over your bottom lip get back to me to talk. if not leave me the fuck alone whilst you get over yourself. tw*t"

NotQuiteCockney · 09/03/2006 14:43

sophie's got it right.

Sulking is annoying and childish. I won't tolerate it in my children, and I wouldn't tolerate it in a husband.

acnebride · 09/03/2006 14:43

Are you having conversations with him in your head? This is what I always do and it's a disaster, so on the off chance that you are, it's the old counselling routine that works better:

You: I have something I need to discuss with you, is now a good time?
Him: Hmph
You: Do you have a few moments to talk now?

Him: Either 'Yes', in which case explain that you feel that he seems upset, and that it is really bothering you that you going out seems to upset him, and see what he says: or
Him: 'No, I dont have a few moments because YOU ARE ALWAYS OUT AND YOU NEVER HELP ME' in which case you could try and get him to talk more about how he feels, rather than what you are allegedly doing wrong.

lorra lorra ramble

cod · 09/03/2006 14:45

id say somethign like this............

Original poster

meowmix · 09/03/2006 14:54

have to say acnebride that my "in head" conversations follow HRH Sophie's line a little more, but you do have a point.

OP posts:

acnebride · 09/03/2006 15:00

phew meowmix. am now going to stop posting pofaced stuff all over this pm. best of luck.

madmarchhare · 09/03/2006 15:02

Go out and get really pissed, ring him, tell him youre not coming back until tomorrow - give something to really sulk about. Mardy git.

Original poster

meowmix · 09/03/2006 15:09

ROFL MMH! Sadly don't think I have the energy.

OP posts:

crazydazy · 09/03/2006 15:22

I completely understand what you are saying Meerkat, I know we've had this conversation before but I am not unhappy with my life the way it is, from time to time I do long for female company but tbh I get a lot from coming on here and it keeps DP happy because I am not out where other men "might be eyeing me up" - his words, definitely not mine I am 34 fgs!!!!!

DP is a very caring, loving, warm, loyal person, yes he is insecure but he's a really good friend and probably the longest friendship/partnership I have ever had with anyone and believe me I am not the easiest of people to live with. Yes he is controlling in that aspect, but really that is the only aspect. He's a great dad whom I know will always be there for the two children he adores and looks after us which is what I want for my children as sadly I did not have this as a child.

MeerkatsUnite · 09/03/2006 16:10

Hi Crazydazy,

Re your comments:-
"I completely understand what you are saying Meerkat, I know we've had this conversation before but I am not unhappy with my life the way it is, from time to time I do long for female company but tbh I get a lot from coming on here and it keeps DP happy because I am not out where other men "might be eyeing me up" - his words, definitely not mine I am 34 fgs!!!!!"

You're younger than me!!:).

We have indeed spoken about this before and I am glad you are not unhappy per se - but you do express unhappiness over this issue hence me writing again. I sincerely wish your partner would seek help re his control issues for your daughters' sake as well as your own. What is his behaviour in particular teaching them?. Mumsnet is fabulous most certainly - but its not real life and you have an inate right to see your real life friends as and when you choose. It is natural for you to want to see your friends. He is more than happy to keep you indoors and for a quiet life you go along with his wishes. You've become conditioned to it over time. He certainly has a jealousy problem when he feels that every time you go out other men may be "eyeing you up". A ridiculous attitude!!. I would also say that he is angry at and jealous of you. Jealousy and low self esteem go hand in hand - you should be aware of that fact.

"DP is a very caring, loving, warm, loyal person, yes he is insecure but he's a really good friend and probably the longest friendship/partnership I have ever had with anyone and believe me I am not the easiest of people to live with. Yes he is controlling in that aspect, but really that is the only aspect. He's a great dad whom I know will always be there for the two children he adores and looks after us which is what I want for my children as sadly I did not have this as a child".

He seems very contridictory - on one hand he controls you and on the other he is loyal and loving. One controlling aspect is one controlling aspect too many - he should not have any need to control you. Its about power as well. I reckon all the people he meets outside the home think he's great - am I right?.

Will he seek help re his control issues and does he at all admit he has a problem re control?. He needs to let you go out on your own with your female friends - no two ways about it. I think you saying that you're not the easiest person to live with is frankly an excuse and by excusing him in such a manner enables him to carry on controlling. Also you put yourself down by saying such things about you - so don't do it!!!!.

I think you do your daughters proud seeing as you yourself have had a hard time previously but just be aware he has control issues. If I have made you at all consider this some more then I will have considered this time typing well spent.

Do read that book also, it may give you more insight.

MeerkatsUnite · 09/03/2006 16:12

Meowmix,

If you don't feel you have anything to apologise for then don't apologise. He'd probably use such a thing against you anyway, gives him more ammo to use in his defense of his actions.

Love Cod's response - crude but apposite.

MeerkatsUnite · 09/03/2006 16:16

Crazydazy,

And this is the sort of things I'd say to him:-

Listen to your partner with an open, accepting mind and feel your pain without shutting down in anger or withdrawal.
Make a list of everything you've ever done that was abusive-ask your partner to review the list.
Ask your partner to remind you every time you say or do something abusive.
Become aware of the effects of verbal abuse on the partner-read about women's experiences, pain, torment, doubt, fear, loss of spirit and self, etc.
Get into a men's group (a domestic violence men's group) to help root out the controlling behaviors and anger and pain.
STOP controlling.
Start feeling your pain.

You must want to change more than you want to control. No one can make you change. But wouldn't you like to know what a REAL relationship is with your partner and your children? Don't you want to be free of the pain of your life? IT IS WORTH IT!

Original poster

meowmix · 10/03/2006 10:34

so I got home last night ready for battle and he completely apologised and said he just missed me and didn't know how to deal with it. Still a bit freaky controlly for my liking (which I told him being in warrior mode) but at last the SULK IS OVER!!

OP posts:

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