My SIL is engaged. We are/were very happy for her but a number of red flags are cropping up and I don't know whether to say anything.
From an outside point of view, with limited insight into her mind (we are friendly but not near enough to be super close), I feel that she's very keen to meet the right guy after a bunch of shortish relationships that have ended badly. Fair enough.
She's been going out with this guy for 6 months. She's late twenties and he's early forties. Not a problem 'cause they seem to get on well but thought I'd mention it. We get the impression he's been married before and has kids, but everyone has baggage, so what.
But later we find out he has five kids, two of which he doesn't see at all, and the other three he sees maybe occasionally at weekends. Didn't marry either mother (if relevant). The youngest is only two, and he's made references to seeing a bunch of women before SIL, so when exactly did he split up with his ex? Just after little one was born??
This info comes from the in-laws, btw. I think they are being reasonably fair and not merely gossiping, but we are supposed to pretend we don't know he has five children.
They fell in love very quickly, which was nice, and got engaged before they met his children (which I thought was a little odd). When she got introduced to them recently, the eldest kid (10) made a comment about how he wouldn't mind them getting married, but mum would probably hate it.
Later that day SIL's fiance picked an argument with her over nothing, and dumped her because 'I don't want to argue in a relationship' (their first serious argument).
She's devastated and goes on holiday with a mate. In-laws tell us what has happened. She comes back from holiday, makes up with him, and now we are supposed to pretend we didn't know they broke up.
Is this just how some relationships begin? I don't think criticising him would go down well at all but I must admit to some concern that he is a commitment-phobe who doesn't do family life.
She's stopped speaking to her friends who criticise him, so I don't think she would listen to us. But it is niggling that I feel like she's walking into a relationship with a man with a bunch of baggage and a hell of a lot more red flags. At the moment I think all I can do is listen if she does saying anything before they get married, and try to subtly point her in the direction of mumsnet if she ever does need relationship or step-parenting help. Any other thoughts?