A Wwyd/how to manage in laws

[Laurasauras]

Hello all, long time lurker, 1st time poster. My dh and I are banging our heads together trying to figure out how to deal with in laws without upsetting them or compromising our views. It could be long as don't want to miss anything.

We have 2week old twins who are our pfb and probably only babies.
We live 20 mins away from in laws and 3 hours away from my family.
Dh is only child (had a sister who died aged 16) he is close to his parents, to my mind it's a bit suffocating in comparison to the relationship I have with my family. I have always accepted their need to be involved in his life as I couldn't even begin to think how they must feel having lost a child.

I am a health visitor(a normal one) and neonatal nurse, so naturally I'm v confident around babies. I have my way of doing things, im very independant and so far so good, we are coping well and not really needing much support.

The problem lies with my in laws need to be needed & involved in every aspect of our lives. I believe they thought we would never cope and would need them.

So far they have proved to be not so useful. Mil has had several attempts to bottle feed babies with very little success ( they aren't hard to feed) with every failed attempt she comments " if I can't feed you your mummy will never let me look after you" neither of them handle the babies with confidence, changing their position every 2seconds- as a consequence babies are unhappy, crying and I'm sitting there squirming wishing my babies were back in my arms.

Anyways, I have post op complications which has meant having to return to hospital every 2 days, not able to drive and unlikley will be able to for the full 6 weeks.

Currently my sister is visiting and today when I went to the hosp, I left the babies with her( she is also a Hv and has 2 children). I hated leaving them but was reassured that my sister could cope with anything they could throw at her.

Dh spoke to mil on phone this evening who commented that my sister was "privileged to look after them".

My worry is that 1. I'm the one who has to see them in the week without dh backup. 2. This sort of comment will be ongoing until either she looks after them/loses her rag/ or I lose my rag.

So I suppose I'm asking do I say- I'm not happy leaving them with you yet because xyz or do I keep quiet? How do others manage their in laws? We have never had to manage them before but now we need boundaries- how do you set those?!

Maybe she wasnt complaining but just commenting - ie they are lovely babies and its a priviledge to look after them

I feel sorry for them, actually.

You obviously know you are highly skilled with babies. Not many people are. It's a long time since your ILs held a child - in fact, the last one was their daughter who died, wasn't it?

Can you imagine how difficult it must be for them? They have one child remaining and he's had twins. It must be amazing for them. And now there's you, standing over them, inwardly or outwardly criticising everything they do.

I know what your MIL means, that your sister is privileged to look after them. She knows you don't trust her, doesn't she? She knows you'd prefer it if she didn't feed them or help you.

I do feel really sorry for her. You sound very difficult to deal with.

Go out of the room next time they are feeding the babies. Go and have a bath or something. Don't sit there squirming in a passive aggressive manner.

gosh I think those posts are so ... well, I cant find the right words. I understand it is difficult for you. Okay so you are 'confident around babies' but even so, they are your babies! FGS they are two weeks old? I dont think you need any help apart from someone to cook, clean etc... You need to be alone with your babies, feeding them, and getting help with whatever you need when you ask for it. I speak from bitter experience :(

I wouldn't sweat it OP. I have a newborn here and I let the Inlaws have their own relationship with her. I think Imperial Blether has a point. Sometimes people do things differently and I know it can be hard to watch someone struggling inexpertly with your newborns but a little turn here and there is good for the babies and good for the GPs.

Especially with twins, two friends of mine have twins and both say it's extremely difficult to get anyone to take two to mind so keep yoru gunpowder dry for the moment. You'll need their help in the future and the babies wont always be so fragile and the GPs will get more expert.

Hi,

I am sorry to be so cynical but I do belive MIl meant privaliged comment in a negative sarcastic way.

I dont blame any GP for wanting to coo and go mad over thier GC, I know I will also be itching to grab and hold etc...

I just dont see however why the GP - like this cant simply open up the floor and ask !! why is that so hard!

Op has had an operation, obvioulsy not nice as she has to go back to hospital so rather than being a teeny bit selfish and simply wanting the baby....why dont THEY as older and one would like to think ...wiser people,....think of the long term game, they obvioulsy do all get on to a degree - they have years to bond with the babies..and ASK....Laural, you poor thing....

" how can we help you? you have not had one new baby but TWO....would you like us to cook, or can i help you clean, or perhaps - i can watch the babies while you sleep or shower, or ....would you actually like some space? Just let us know what we can do...."

Then op maybe able to respond by saying - well i would love a few days to myself - or yes watch them or perhaps just for a few days you could give us some space.

Yes Of course they want to hold NB BUT as is always said on these threads - these first few weeks are so precious - she /they did have thier turn!

As someone whose first few days were ruined in a nuclear way by my MIL, it makes me cross that people always ask op - who has just had babies etc to be the one looking at long game and to be sooo incredibly understanding, Op in my mind has enough to do - it should be the GP who give a bit of understanding here and they have had thier turn!

I think you are the problem, not your in-laws

Many of my ex coleagues (midwives) found that there was a world of difference between confidently handling someone else's newborn baby to having one of their own.

You are being very harsh on your ILs. I feel really sorry for them. I get the feeling they will never really measure up in your eyes. Sad for your children, who will pick up on your feelings as they grow older.

Do as others have suggested - go out of the room while your ILs spend a bit of time with their precious grandchildren. Chill out a bit and be grateful.

Congratulations on the twins and on being sooo chilled and together with them. I've got twins who are now 2yo and you sound much more sorted than I was.

What does she mean when she says "look after them?", is that being solely responsible for them? I wouldn't be comfortable with anyone doing that until they were older especially as she seems to be taking a bit of time to get into the swing of things. Only you know your MIL and whether the "privilege" comment is a dig, I would read it as such but I don't know her. How fit is your MIL? Twins are really hard work, maybe say that it is too much for her on her own at the moment. My parents were similar, very awkward with them as babies, had problems feeding them and I was like you on tenterhooks thinking, "thats not the way to do it". But its a lot better now that they are toddlers.

Do you get on with your ILs generally, if so maybe find things for them to do that they can manage, you feed etc, both get them ready to go out for a walk in a pram, she takes them, you get a bit of rest? Suggest things tactfully that they like, e.g. they just like to be held like this etc etc rather than moving them around constantly. They are probably feeling quite awkward at the moment. Don't burn your bridges with them, I'm full time with mine and find the constant grind hard work, I have a 5 yo also, and I needs breaks away from the kids, ILs and family are great for this.

I would, with your DH, gently suggest some boundaries while he isn't there if you think they are going to overstep and be round all the time. Find some groups to go to (or pretend to) so that you can say no to a visit as you're going out to etc etc.

It is very very early days. It will take quite some time for you and your inlaws to reach an understanding about how to approach the new relationship that you have - the one that revolves around the babies. In the meantime stand firm on what you want at this particular time without letting it blow up into a showdown and without seething. What I'm saying is, don't burn any bridges. The help of truly interested and caring grandparents can be an absolute life saver, once you're ready to use it.

It is a very rare parent that would be ok with their babies being looked after by anyone else after two weeks. If your inlaws are implying that they want to look after the babies on their own you need to make it clear that that's not going to happen for at least another few months (or whenever you feel comfortable). I didn't let my inlaws look after my DS on their own until he was over a year old. I didn't give the impression they would never be able to look after him, I just made it clear I wasn't ready yet, and I'm glad I waited because now when I leave him with them I feel totally comfortable and I actually enjoy myself being away from him. Try not to be critical of how they are with the babies - it is a very long time since they were around babies and they're finding their way. Try to be supportive.

As for visits, if they're coming round too often just give them specific times that it's ok to visit and stick to them. Remember that they genuinely love your babies, in a similar way that you love them, and they have a strong and understandable desire to see them. You have a lot on your plate and don't want to deal with them which is also understandable but try to be as patient as you can - good grandparents are hugely valuable and you don't want to alienate them.

I'd just like to add, don't be hard on them, they haven't really done anything wrong, consider it from their point of view also, these are the only grandchildren they are likely to have, its an important relationship for both GC and GP. I agree with what CailinDana has suggested.

I can understand your point of view OP. Sounds very familiar. I got the 'aren't they lucky?!' when my Mum spent any time with me (she asked what I needed and did it - never put her needs on me).

You sound confident with handling your twins - which is great. But you've also had a C/S, lack of sleep (I'm assuming) and post-op complications. So you need to do what feels right for you rather than factoring in long/medium term goal things (like making sure GPs are Ok) right in these early few weeks. Although how much it irks you that the GPs seems a bit cack handed dealing with the DT could be due more to the mother lionness instinct of all new mothers rather than your confidence with babies.

My MIL was waay overbearing when my first DC was born always with the inherent need to help and be needed - she didn't consider what I needed or my DC needed (if he's crying for 5-10min, you've had a good go of soothing him but its not happening, give him back to me...it doesn't mean you're a bad GP or won't bond with him!!!!).

In the end I had a big chat with my MIL - it was almost making me ill with the stress of dealing with her. Best thing I did. It wasn't a have a go at her, just us talking together and finding common ground and trying to understand each other a bit better. So I suggest maybe you have a chat with your in-laws early on. Your in laws are obviously smitten with your DTs. My MIL sasys it bowled her over the love she felt for her GC - didn't think it would be as strong. And its things like that that make the common ground a lot easier to find. Your in laws hearts sound in the right place - as yours is - just have a chat with them.

Agree with most of the others - and also sympathise with you because I'm in a similar boat. I don't really like my MIL if I'm honest, and have twins that she is absolutely not competent to be in charge of. (She is brilliant at playing with them and making them laugh, but she can't change nappies, dress them or even really give them a bottle. So I would never - at the moment - leave them in her sole charge except for a short period of time, and actually she probably wouldn't want it either because she isn't up to it. That's just the way it is. It is clear my husband's grandparents did all this stuff for him, not her).

I interpret your MIL's comment 'if I can't feed you your mummy will never let me look after you' as one of those comments that is outwardly to them but actually to you. She wanted you at that moment to reassure her that she was doing a fine job, and of course she'll get used to it and they can be a bit fussy etc - may not be true, but it would oil the wheels and make her feel a bit more confident. And she might not be irredeemable in terms of learning to cope with them - a bit of gentle tutoring could go a long way.

If you can't be complimentary on a wholesale basis, as I can't with mine, then at least drop her a few lesser compliments, e.g. the children seem to really like her, you bet they'll have a lovely relationship in the future etc. It's just a bit of kindness and you probably come over very intimidating to her because you're coping so well and seem really capable with babies, whereas she doesn't.

I definitely agree with those who've said to keep friendly with her for your own benefit later - this winter when those twins get cold after cold, and pass it on to you, and it turns into tonsillitis and you feel like death and you've got a whole day alone with them to get through, you'll be ringing her yourself begging to be allowed a chance to go to bed for the rest of the afternoon while she looks after them. I promise, that is going to happen!