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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Escape plan?

16 replies

MsLydia · 07/08/2012 20:24

I think I need to start quietly planning my way out of my marriage.

Where do I begin though? I have no money of my own and can't work just now because of health problems

Does anyone else have an escape plan? Would you be willing to share it with me so I can get some idea what I need to do.

OP posts:
muckingfuddled · 07/08/2012 20:33

Why do you want to escape?

Original poster
MsLydia · 07/08/2012 20:35

Just because I'm in a shit marriage with a man who messes with my head to the point that it makes me ill (mh issues)

If I try and talk to him everything will get twisted so I need everything in place so when I tell him I want out l'll be in a strong position.

OP posts:
Bongaloo · 07/08/2012 20:48

There's a thread Advice on how to leave with no money? in 'relationships' now with some good advice.

muckingfuddled · 07/08/2012 20:51

Sorry to hear that Lydia. First thing I'd do is go to CAB to establish your rights to benefits if you can't work and find a sol who will give a free half hour consultation.

Start collecting all your legal documents and put them together safely (passport, NI card etc).

Tell ONE person in RL who you know you can trust to support you and help you keep your resolve especially at the time you tell him and prepare to ask him to leave or leave yourself.

That's a start.

GingerBeer1234 · 07/08/2012 20:58

Sorry you're in this position.

I'd suggest you start thinking about money - you will need to save some if you can - and where you are going to live. Do you have anyone you can stay with, even short-term? Family, friends etc. If you've got DC's, think about how it will work with them (housing, schools, access with DH etc). Can you set up a separate account and start putting some cash aside? Even if it's only a little a week, it will help.

Planning your exit will make you feel more in control of things. It's something to hold on to when things get bad. You could also fix a possible date in your head. If you don't stick to that, don't beat yourself up about it, but it does give you a goal.

If you're not in a dangerous situation, take your time - if you can bear it - to make sure you are in a stronger position when you leave.

Lastly, if things are bad between you and your partner, keep things to yourself. Don't let the cat out of the bag to anyone, however tempting.

neuroticmumof3 · 07/08/2012 20:58

If you are in HA property you could speak to your housing officer for advice and support. If not then you could make an appointment to see a housing needs officer at your local authority. They could advise you of any rent deposit schemes they run and put you on the housing register.

Original poster
MsLydia · 07/08/2012 22:37

Thank you for the replies.
Im going to phone my local surestart centre tomorrow. I'm sure they have somebody from the CAB there every week.
They also run a credit union. I'm not entirely sure how it works but it seems like a good way of putting away a few pounds every week.

Truth be told I am terrified. I've posted on here many times about my health problems (different name) I've posted about how supportive my h has been too as well as a few posts about things he has done to hurt me.

The thing is I'm worried for my dc. I've started sleeping in their room at night because I'm scared of sleeping in bed with him. I blame it on his snoring.

I can't reconcile in my head that this handsome, intelligent and kind man has these brief moment of being such a monster. In the cold light of day I almost think I've imagined it. I can't cope with it anymore though. He briefly left for a few days a while back and although I was sad I felt such relief. It was fear that let him come home.

I have absolutely nobody else but him. I've become estranged from my parents and have no friends anymore :( I don't know what happened.

He even sold my car

OP posts:
Original poster
MsLydia · 07/08/2012 22:38

Sorry, that last post made no sense at all.

OP posts:
Bongaloo · 07/08/2012 22:44

No it makes sense.
The sure start and credit union thing sound a good start.

Good luck.

CogitoErgOlympics · 07/08/2012 22:48

If you have DCs it is also very easy to open a bank account and get the CB transferred in automatically. Details here It's a payment that is made to mothers rather than fathers for precisely the reason you need it.

CogitoErgOlympics · 07/08/2012 22:52

BTW.. as part of your escape plan, get back in touch with friends and family. It's common for abusive partners to gradually isolate their victims precisely because they don't want them to have a fall-back. If you're not sure why you are estranged from your parents, they'd probably love to hear from you.

Badvoc · 07/08/2012 22:55

Get back in touch with your family.
Contact women's aid.
Get cb paid into your account
Speak to a lawyer...you get free advice for the first appt.
Good luck x

sadwidow28 · 08/08/2012 00:39

Lydia, keep posting to this thread as you need more advice and support for your escape plan.

There are some very wise people here who have been in your position and know what needs to be done and how to do it.

Original poster
MsLydia · 08/08/2012 14:37

Thank you for all the replies.

I can't get back in touch with my family. They adore H, they really believe that I am the problem and that my mh issues are the root of the problem. My father called me 'cruel'. I think I have one old friend who I could trust but I'm not sure if I've burnt my bridges because I've not been in touch with her for months.

I went to surestart today to see if I could make an appointment with the cab but I couldn't bring myself to ask them. What's that all about then? Denial? I have not spoken out loud to anyone and for some reason it's hard to do it. Maybe then it becomes more real.

OP posts:
FireOverBabylon · 08/08/2012 14:58

MsLydia do you have access to a printer? If you're stuck, you can print from the PCs at your local library. I would suggest, if you don't feel able to tell staff at your SureStart centre about this, that you print off a copy of this thread and give it to them. Write "I wrote this" on the back if it helps to get the message across. That would be easier than summing up the courage.

Also, are your chidlren young enough to have a HV? If so, again, you could ask for a HV to come round and give the form to them, they should also be able to signpost you to services and, once one person knows, it will become easier for you to tell other people.

foolonthehill · 08/08/2012 15:07

yes because it becomes real...but you know it is real and you need to plan and exit.

Put child benefit in to a different online/phone account (look at money saving expert website for instructions on opening an account that requires no credit check)

salt away a few pounds with sure start or on supermarket gift cards etc. if you can.

take important docs and put them in a safe and easily accessible place or carry them with you.

You can phone Women's Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/0808 2000 247 for support and advice. If you have a BT landline the number won't show up on the bill.

Keep your mobile phone charged and with you all the time. The best predictor of the level of violence an abuser is likely to use is the way YOU feel . Nothing else predicts his behaviour as accurately.

You can also call your local police force and tell them you are planning to leave a violent relationship and get their advice and support, they will also "red flag" your address.

I suspect you MH issues may be much improved in the absence of your abuser...and you would not be alone.

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