AIBU to ask for a little compromise regarding his children?

[ScabbyChin]

I have namechanged as I know step kids are a touchy subject on here and I'm just looking for a balanced, genuine opinion on whether I'm in the wrong or not.

So, been seeing this guy for around 3 months. He has two teenagers from a previous relationship (aged 15 and 16) who live with their mum and I have 2 children aged 12 and 14 who live with me. He has his children overnight every saturday night whereas my children go to their dad's house every other saturday night. This means that every other saturday night, I'm child-free with no babysitting worries and no time restrictions.

However, because he has his children every saturday night we can never make use of these child free saturdays that I have and therefore, if ever we want to spend the night together, I have to arrange baysitters on one of the other nights. I managed it quite well at first but now the babysitters are getting fed up of it and it's getting harder. We're now lucky if we get one night together a month.

I'm considering proposing that maybe he could change his routine slightly so that once a month, he could swap his night with his kids from the Saturday to the friday night? that way he still has them every week and we get one night together a month where I don't have to beg babysitters.

I think he will be reluctant but AIBU to expect a little compromise here? he's said himself the situation is frustrating when he knows I'm alone saturday nights and he can't see me. Surely one change a month isn't a lot to ask is it?

Or should I not propose this and assume that if he wanted to spend more nights with me, he'd have suggested this himself?

I do NOT resent his kids btw before anyone says it. I'm just wondering if there is room for compromise here. If I'm being unreasonable, I will take note but please be gentle :)

I don't really understand why he can't spend the night with you at your house while your children are there? Also, if you have a 14 year why do you need a babysitter to go out for the evening - and then he could come back to yours?

But to answer your question, I wouldn't suggest it, I would ask him for his suggestions because I would also think that if he wanted to spend more nights together that he would find a way.

He could eventually just come back here, it's just that he hasn't met my children yet and it would be a while between being introduced and actually having him stay the night I would imagine?

3months too soon, imo, for overnight stays with kids there. So youre doing right tning there but surely this is a non- issue? Youre babysitters getting fed up suggests theyre not babysitters as such, but family /friends?
So why cant you pay for professionsl babysitting if its important to you?
Also, why is it hin and his kids who should shift their days around, why cant you ge your ex to do some friday nights instead?

I don't think that should necessarily be the case though. Although it obviously isn't ideal, but when you're in a situation such as yours - only having one childfree night per fortnight, there isn't much choice if you want to give a new relationship a chance.

I'm in a similar situation to yours by the way (except my son is with me the whole time) and I have been seeing a new boyfriend for a few months. He stays at mine a couple of times a week (and I pay for a babysitter so we can go out - my son is younger) because otherwise it wouldn't happen at all. Like I said it isn't ideal but the only other way is that you arrange frequent sleepovers with friends or that your children go to their dad more often...

Its a lot to ask for what is a fledgling relationship.

I also think it's a lot to ask for when the children are teenagers and you have only been together 3 months.

Is there any reason why your children couldn't go to their Dad's house on a Friday instead of a Saturday?

And if that doesn't work then get a different babysitter, if you are paying them then I don't see what the problem is.

OR arrange sleepovers for both your children on the nights you would like to spend with your boyfriend?

Their dad works nights and Saturday and Sunday nights are the only nights he doesn't work. I've just text him now asking if there is any chance he can have them some sundays too over the holidays - probably won't even get a reply. God forbid he does more than he has to

But no I don't want to impose on his time with his kids - I'd just love to be able to spend more time with him. I do leave my kids to go on nights outs, that isn't a problem. I do that around twice a week at the moment. The problem is the sleeping together - not just sex but that intimacy and closeness. We're just not getting any of it and I'm frightened it will become a problem for both of us.

Yabu. You've been together three months. Bit much to expect him to change his access/custody arrangements for a relationship that may not even work out.

You could change your children's access day? Or pay a babysitter?

I think that so early on is potentially heading down a slippery slope in terms of starting to ask for arrangement changes with the stepchildren. In truth if this relationship is going to go anywhere you are not going to have childfree time at all if you have four kids between the two of you, so this is something you might as well start learning to work around now.

Tbh I think it's fine to suggest that maybe "how about you change the kids' night this weekend so we can have a night to ourselves," as a one off, and if that works he may want to expand that anyway, but there's a difference between that and suggesting he make a permanent change to a routine that has presumably been in place for some time, based on a three month relationship.

Personally, if I were in the situation he's in, my children would be my first priority, so basically, if moving nights didn't suit either ex or kids or both, I wouldn't consider doing it for anyone. That's how I feel though, he might have some flexibility with his situation.
Even if you do ask, I agree with everyone else, that it's just too early. You could start by asking him how he sees the two of you in the future?

YABU.

I imagine there is a reason that he has his children when/how he does.

Maybe you could change your night-off to any of the other 6 days of the week he is free!

if the children were much younger i would say YABU. However, at 15 and 16 i'm surprised they want to stay with their dad on saturdays! Most teenagers i know with absent fathers have quite flexible arrangements, where either party can phone up and say, something has come up can we meet for pizza on Monday instead this week (or whatever, you get the drift). Its much less of a formal arrangement at this age among my friends. Sometimes they sese each other more in one week, then maybe less the other.

I dont think you are being unreasonable to ask if its possible on ocassions.

How long has he been divorced, how does he get on with his children and ex? What's the level of communication/flexibility like in general?

If your relationship is going to last, then you need to put your kids first, his and yours, then when they meet you and yours him they will know that they are still important.

If you get him to change nights now when they are used to this routine it will put you on the wrong footing with them.

I am impressed the kids have not met their parents OH yet, that s thoughtful of you.

I wouldn't be happy if a boyfriend asked me to do this after three months tbh. I think as a LP you often feel a bit guilty for spending time away from the kids anyway, so I would just fit in my own social activities when they were away anyway - it would feel wrong to ask for extra nights away from them or change their routine for a relationship that was in the early stages. Even if he has them every weekend, he does have every weekday night free. It is difficult since he works those nights, but are the hours such that you could spend time together once he's finished his shift?

It's a very serious imposition to consider HIM and his family changing their routinres to suit you. Just way out of order, OP.

Goodness me 3 months in and already trying to change what I assume is a long standing routine with his children. Why not just go out with the girls when you have a free night and leave him to spend time with his kids.

Wait a while longer - 3 months is nothing. Being a step parent (for both of you) requires patience, unselfishness and fantastic communication. If he decides that he can't tolerate the inconvenience of the dc's schedule then it's unlikely to work in the long run. That sounds harsh but I believe it's true.