what do i do

[Belle50]

I married over 20 yrs ago I have 3 children. The youngest is 13. I am unhappy and dream of being free. I feel depressed and i am overweight. I have a very good job and earn well. My husband turned out to be lazy and makes me pay for everything leaving me broke. I discovered he has secret savings accounts. He visits his family alone. Never spends any time with me, shouts at me and the kids and has attacked my eldest daughter in the past for being annoying. I bought the house and paid the morgage and all the bills for20 yrs but if i try to leave he will be completely unreasonable. I would carry on for the kids...they would find a split hard.......but i find them angry and argumentative. I think being in amongst constant arguments is not good. They love their dad though. The mariage is sexless and has been for years. If i leave i wont be able to maintain my work and keep us.......what shall i do? Im hoplessly lost and frightened.

you are saying
If i leave i wont be able to maintain my work and keep us
and
My husband turned out to be lazy and makes me pay for everything leaving me broke.

have you actually had a chance to sit down and calculate how much would you need to keep your family bar STBXH in a similar lifestyle?

I don't know your outgoings and expenses - but if you earn well - you would manage

I think, because you don't have the information, you're assuming a lot of gloomy outcomes and the reality could be much less difficult than you think. At the moment, it sounds as though you are managing financially without much input from him. I'd strongly recommend talking to a solicitor and finding out exactly what your position is in the event of a split with regard to property, cash and other assets. There is no reason why you should leave the family home, for example. You and the children stay. He leaves.

Of course your children love their Dad but they can see that the pair of you are unhappy and I'm also sure that the stress of living in such an atmosphere is part of why they are so angry and disruptive. That's the example they are being set. As long as they could be reassured that their lives wouldn't materially change (children tend to judge things on how they will be affected), I think you'd find they were not as upset by a split as you may think. Your daughter certainly won't miss being attacked.

Go to a good solicitor and get some financial advice. If you divorce then I'm pretty sure you'll be entitled to at least half of those savings he has made off your hard work!

It's no wonder you feel depressed living like this.

How old are the children? What are your working hrs? I'm sure there is some way to keep working after the split. There will be childcare options and you may get financial help as a single parent anyway.

Thanks for these messages of support everyone. I will go and speak to a solicitor as you suggest. I do feel depressed and it makes it hard to get the resolve to make a change. I'm going to try and set myself a target to just speak to someone and then set another small step until I get myself moving.

You made the first step Belle - you started this thread and admitted how unhappy you are and asked for advice.

You can keep posting on this thread as you take the small steps in real life. There will be people around who understand your situation and will be able to advise you step-by-step.