Is anyone a work-widow and how do you manage a healthy relationship?

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Currently going through couples counselling to try and get through a rocky patch with my dh. The main problem is the amount of time he spends at work (not by choice - he's in a job which requires working hideous shifts, no ability to leave at the end of his shift if he's dealing with something and the possibility of being called into work on a day off - unless he changes his job, the work situation is going to continue at least for the foreseeable future)

I am feeling increasingly lonely, have no libido and quite frankly could run away tomorrow if it wasn't for the kids. We both feel that the closeness that we had isn't there at the moment. The lack of sex is part of this - but also we don't actually physically see each other, apart from an odd hour here and there, but when we do it's more talking about an update over which kids need to be where etc.

In counselling we've agreed to try make practical steps to try and address some of the issues - dh has taken on some of the housework responsibility (but in reality they don't get done as he's at work all the bloody time or shattered on his days off trying to catch up with sleep). He pulls his weight with the kids and they love spending time with him, but as they get older they definitely notice he's not there at weekends etc.

I'm finding the school holidays really difficult - juggling work and childcare as well as everything else, DH only has one weekend off work over the holidays so I'm not really getting a break. I feel shattered. I'm particularly pissed off today as dh tried it on last night - I've already said to him that being woken up in the night isn't the best way to get me interested in sex - he claims he'd 'forgotten'. FFS. What's the bloody point of going to counselling and talking honestly and openly if he bloody 'forgets'

So, how do we make this work? I've been in tears today about this as I'm not sure I see a future for us if it goes on like this :(

Do you still like/love each other? If the foundation is shaky it makes everything else that bit more difficult because everyone is less tolerant. To me, the only reason for having a job that is so anti-family is if it pays well. Is there any way to use more of that money to make your life easier with help around the home for cleaning, child-care etc.? If the job doesn't pay well enough to make your life easier, if a change of job isn't on the cards and if he's just paying lipservice to the counselling it could be that he simply doesn't want to be home so much. I know one or two men that make that choice under the guise of 'an important job'

Thanks Cognito - yes we do still love each other - our counsellor said that if it wasn't for the work getting in the way we wouldn't have any problems. Sometimes we will go for about 10 days without really seeing each other (his day's off clash with my working days etc) so we've slipped into a bit of a bad pattern re: communication.

Unfortunately the job isn't a high earner - think public sector. I earn more pro-rata in my job. My job is at risk of redundancy early next year so I'm trying to save as much money in case I lose my job.

It just all feels so difficult at the moment and probably I'm just feeling knackered and resentful as it's the summer hols and its harder than usual.

If your job is at risk of redundancy, I can see that would be very stressful all by itself. Is his job likely to develop into something that is going to pay well and get easier (junior doctor for example) or is it always going to be something that takes him away from his family for no great reward?

I think he also has to be more assertive with his employer, however. My DB has a job that takes him away from home for several weeks at a stretch. In their team they have rule which is that the people with younger children get first preference on leave during school holidays, Christmas etc. If your relationship is in crisis, I think he has to put the you #1 for once and take some time out.

I had to check I hadn't written your post :(

My DH does hours and hours of unpaid overtime every week. In fact I worked out he was doing something like an extra week every month unpaid. Unfortunately it isn't a particularly wonderfully paid job, but we've looked and it is more than he would get elsewhere.

When he's here he's asleep and does very little around the house, plus he is working just about every weekend. The only reason we are still together is because he won't move out and we live practically next door to my work so it isn't worth me moving out. It would be easier on my own because I do everything anyway, it would just mean I wasn't clearing up his mess.

Sorry no help to you but it might make you feel better to know that other people are suffering too :)

Oh no - sorry you are in the same situation sabriel. Luckily my dh does get his overtime paid, but he has no choice but to do it and would gladly come home rather than carry on working. His job does have the opportunity for progression but the shifts will always be problematic - I guess it won't be so bad as the children get older as they'll be more independent and it'll mean that I'll be able to have some kind of life as well...

Normally he does has some time off over the hols - it's just that this year with the olympics there is a blanket ruling that no one can take leave - I'm hoping he can take some leave in september to make up for the long summer without a break. Perhaps the threat of redundancy is taking more of a toll on me than I thought and that combined with the summer hols and no help is making more more stressed.

DH and I had a tough few years when he was building up his business, working 80+ hours and travelling on top. He was too shattered to take much part in family life and the dc were young as well so I had my hands full too. It put a real strain on our relationship and it was difficult at times.

Things that made it easier for us was just making more of an effort when we could - texts during the working day, committing to quality time every day when he came in even for five mins, planning meaningful things when we could spend a whole day together. I think we spent very little time together in terms of hours during that period but each minute was important. I'd send him emails to cover more mundane issues (like school issues and bills) so that our conversations time was for more important/fun things. Our sex life suffered because I was so tired but I'd sometimes nap during the day or drink coffee to make sure I was alert enough for it. We used Skype as well when he had to work away.

Fortunately there was a light at the end of the tunnel and when his business took off he could drop his hours. It's something we just had to grit our teeth and bear it in the short term, his business was his dream and I had to support him.

Thank Dublin - appreciate your tips.
Good to know that there was light at the end of the tunnel :o

Half of me thinks it wouldn't be so bad to get made redundant as at least I wouldn't have to deal with the stress of juggling work/childcare/house stuff and we'd get to see each other on his days off.

Blabla I'm guessing from your post that dh is in the police?
My dh is too and I really struggle with the shifts especially weekend backshift which really sucks as they are essentially sleeping or working.
We have two young dc ( 2 and 6 wks) and I feel like sometimes he barely sees them for days at a time. Then there is the trying to be quiet when he is on nights and having to get up early with the kids every morning cos he only got in at 2am instead of teatime.
It's hard, but I found that by becoming a sahm I see more of him as like you our days off used to clash and we'd go for ages with no time together. He has worked the the past 4 Christmasses too, every birthday, anniversary etc.
I have tried to get past it by reminding myself that he is suffering too, always tired and missing us so that he can provide for us and allow me to be at home with the children.
Each time I feel resentful I try to remember this.

Doesn't help you tho just wanted to say I know how you feel

Yes - you guessed correctly - and good to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with it - its easy to see why so many marriages breakdown as it puts so much pressure on even the strongest of relationships. Perhaps redundancy would be a blessing in disguise...