To sprog or not to sprog?

[BadLad]

Not a problem now, as this time round I was wise enough (or not as stupid as the first time) to discuss the matter beforehand, but is splitting inevitable when one partner wants kids and the other doesn't?

My otherwise very nice ex-wife and I divorced over that issue, and although I have moved on, I still do wonder from time to time whether things could have been different?

Any thoughts?

I always knew I wanted DC. I always asked blokes on the first date if they wanted DC (Yes, I did kind of interview them). One BF I really liked was never going to be a great dad, (child himself) so I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. For me it's a massive issue.

When I met dp we both already had a child each, and he was very firmly in the 'most definitely not ever again' camp, and I very much wanted more. We both stayed together hoping the other would change their mind.

Dp was depressed when I met him and had been for years, but had never had any help for it, after a while of gentle persuasion he got help and it all came out that he was terrified of having any more children incase they had special needs (his daughter is severely disabled and has a short lifespan), I respected and understood his decision a lot more after that and came to terms with not having anymore.

4 years later after dp's depression greatly improved he then became very broody and was desperate to have a little one of our own - we're now in our first trimester and are expecting our little one next March.

OP, not sure if this will help, but you asked for stories from people who had changed their minds....
DH and I got together in our very early 20s. At that point neither of us wanted children, but in our mid-twenties, when we were getting married, we had a talk about what would happen if one of us changed our mind. At that point it seemed unlikely, as we were both very career driven and had a fabulous lifestyle, but we decided together that if that was the case, we'd have them, but that the person who wanted the children would have to make the career sacrifices (all very rational).
I was the one who changed my mind. I'd always envisioned a life where we both travelled and worked abroad a lot and when it became clear that DH wasn't willing to do that because he wanted to live near his ageing parents, and with my early 30's broodiness in full flow, I said that if we were going to be tied caring for his parents, then I wanted to live that life fully, with children, dog, garden, the lot, rather than a half-life of caring for his parents and wishing I was somewhere else. We now have a 2year old DS and DH is a good dad but he's absolutely against having any more and tends to hold the decision to have him against me whenever I'm unhappy about him devoting yet more time to his other interests.
I'll never regret having DS, but I sometimes feel DH and I might both have been happier if we'd split before he came along. It's no-one's fault, just that until you want children, you can't really understand how powerful that feeling is.
How old is your wife? How would you feel if in a few years time she desperately wanted to adopt?

I asked my DH if he wanted marriage and children on the night we met (we had spoken lots on the phone before hand) as I had spent about 2 years with someone who didn't want either. Not that he told me for a long time .

I never wanted children but fell pregnant by my Ex because the contraception failed. He always wanted children do after much discussion we went ahead with the pregnancy. I was 23 at the time.

DD is now 8. I wouldn't be without her but didn't want anymore children.
Anyway we split up, ex went on to have a boy with his now partner. He loves children and is a fantastic dad to DD.

I met my now DP. He never wanted children, he was in a relationship for 11 yrs previously. His ex was desperate for children so she ended up having an affair which resulted in a pregnancy but wanted to still be with DP. Unsurprisingly he left her.

Anyway he is 40 now, we live together with my DD. They adore each other, he sat me down a year ago to tell me he wanted to have a child with me. I changed my mind too so we've been TTC ever since.

IME its because we have finally found someone we wanted to share that experience with, to raise a child with.

It took my DP until 39 yrs old and meeting the right person to realise he wants to be a father!

And I couldn't be happier!

I think it can depend on the reasons for wanting/not wanting children. I made it clear to DH when we married that I didn't want any more dc - I had one ds from a previous relationship who I'd raised as a single parent, and that had had a huge impact on my mental and physical health, finances and personal freedom. DH said that he'd always just assumed he'd get married and have kids one day, but he understood my feelings and the decision was down to me as I'd be the main carer.

After five years of marriage he raised the subject again as so many of his friends were starting families. We discussed all my concerns and he did some research and came up with solutions which all cost a lot of money, but he agreed to move to a higher paying job to enable it. We have a beautiful dd now who will be our only child, and we've been able to mitigate the stresses of having her by paying for extra support - a nanny and maternity nurse in the early years, private maternity care and therapy for me, a bigger house, funding me through a Master's so I could retain some identity, regular evening childcare so there was minimal impact on my social life. I have even had some cosmetic surgery to make up for the pies pg weight gain. It's not that I don't enjoy being a parent, but now I'm able to avoid a lot of the aspects of parenting that I never liked (e.g. the au pair does the morning school run), so that made the idea more palatable to me.

It's not a solution that can work for everyone though, especially as it seems to be more often the woman who is keener on dc, and it would be tough for them to move up to a higher salary and retain it on starting a family. But I've also known a few couples where the man had to be talked around, and only agreed when the women made it clear that they'd be doing the bulk of childcare and extra housework and in some cases they fell pg accidentally anyway.

Merlot, thanks for sharing that.

My wife is mid 40's, and adoption is extremely unusual here, due to social stigma and extremely complicated process, which is sad, as it means orphans almost never get new families.

I've been on both sides of the fence here. Long time ago I wanted DC and then DP didn't. We split. Years later, with much younger DP he wanted DC and I couldn't. Interfering MIL and obedient DP Cultural expectations on top of that, we split.