Bitch or Doormat??? Is it too late?

[PrincessLeia456]

DH and I have been married for 18 years, 2 DC's 9&7. DH has sporting hobby, which he has always had, but it involves going away some weekends leaving me alone with the children. They always end up in a big argument as he doesn't keep in contact particularly well, I have no idea when he is coming home until he turns up, then I turn into the bitch from hell and say bloody nasty things as I feel he has taken me for granted. He also works relatively long hours. I work also, but only part time. He helps with the kids sometimes, but doesn't help out at all round the house. I don't go out that much, only to work. We rarely go out together.

This weekend he has said that he is not sure where our relationship is going as I am always moaning on, he's fed up with it. He thinks we are just staying together for the sake of the children. He thinks I over react to whole weekend away thing.

I don't know if I over react. I feel taken for granted and worn out most of the time which does make me unhappy. I don't want to feel like this any more, but I don't want us to split. I do love him, but I would like him to make a bit more effort though, I feel the effort is always on my part.

What should I do???

It's not overreacting. Your feelings are quite valid and understandable. Given that there are some very simple things it seems he could do in order to make you feel less annoyed.... keeping in touch when away for the weekend, helping around the home, taking you out occasionally.... it wouldn't take much of an effort on his part to turn this around. When problems are easily resolved like that you have to ask yourself why someone wouldn't bother.

I'm a big believer in talking calmly. Put some time aside (like a weekend without the children) to give yourselves chance to reconnect as a couple and get to like each other again. 'Love' can't just be a word. Remind yourselves of what you like about each other, reminisce about good times past, say kind things to each other etc. Once the antagonism is out of the way then it can be easier to ask the trickier no-fault questions like 'why are we so miserable?'... and... 'what could we agree to do to make things better?' If you can't talk calmly, this is when counselling can be useful.

Thank you Cogito. I really appreciate your response. Its nice to know my feelings are valid. We had a big row last night, he has gone to work and now I am dreading him coming home. I want to fix this and would be prepared to go to counselling. I am not sure he would come if I suggested it. Because I don't think he can see my side.

Princess, whatever you do, the first step should be you getting a hobby that will regularly take you away from the house for a day or longer, and him doing his rota of evening kitchen cleaning.

If you can't talk calmly, he won't agree to mediation or counselling and he doesn't take your concerns seriously and doesn't want to see your point of view then you've got a serious problem. Obviously, suggest all of those first but be aware that you can't repair a relationship solo and also be prepared for what happens if he refuses.

And, to me, that would mean you have to take a risk and up the stakes. At the moment you are in a weak negotiation position because your feelings, your unwillingness to split and your desire to 'fix it' means you are not prepared to make the ultimate threat i.e separation. You don't threaten that kind of thing lightly, of course, but when you are being taken for granted the way you are being, sometimes you need to give the other person a shock.

As Cogito said, he is doing what he wants and you have to follow suit, otherwise he'll tell you it's not worth it being together.
Do speak calmly, but you should be the one considering whether or not it's worth staying together. Because you are taking care of children and an able adult.
He may contribute financially, but little else.
It might be worth pointing out that if you separate you would wish 50-50 split, so that he would have to take care of the children 50% of the time, as well as himself. It may turn out to be better for him to contribute for something at home.

if I shock him and say "theres the door" do you think he'll go? what if he does? 50-50 sounds a good idea, maybe he'll realise then . and a hobby sounds a great idea....wonder what I could do!!!!

There's nothing wrong with him having his hobby and weekends away but only if you get the same time in return. And he pulls his weight the rest of the time. I think that situation would be very healthy in fact.

Do you also have girls' weekends away? Time 'off' to pursue your own interests?

No I don't have girls weekends away. I have nights out occaisionally, but i only have a small group of friends and they are married with kids too and its not always easy to get away. Which is a shame cos I'd love it!! Two of my jobs involve evenings out, but its working which is not the same.

Get your girls together for a night/weekend away. It takes a bit more organising with kids but it's definitely possible. We've been doing this for the last 20 years, it started with hen nights and we just carried on. You don't have to go far, sometimes we just stay over in our local city (Manchester) to make a day and night of it in a nice hotel.

It would be interesting to see what his reaction would be if you just mentioned you were organising this...

It is easy to get away for a weekend you know. Your husband manages it doesn't he, several times a year? Why would you and your friends be any different?

I think I can guess why. Either your partners would create such an almighty fuss or it would involve so much preparation that you don't think it's worth it - or deep down, you all think it's a women's responsibility to look after the children.

However, I don't think this will in itself solve the core problem. Your husband sounds as though he behaves very selfishly and lazily and nowhere near as invested in your personal relationship as you are. Now that he's discussed splitting up when apart from coping with your occasional justifiable anger, he's got it made, I would be extremely suspicious about what's caused this unburdening of his.

He sounds exactly the sort of man who would have an affair. Is that possible? Any other warning signs?

"f I shock him and say "theres the door" do you think he'll go? what if he does? "

At least you'd know where you stood. Right now, you're unhappy, taken for granted and, rather than discuss it, his response was the adult equivalent of teenage door-slamming. Not 'you hate me' but 'I don't know where this relationship is going' etc. So he's got you on the back foot worrying. You've put yourself in a weak position because your immediate thoughts were 'am I overreacting' rather than 'he is being OTT'. He is currently exploiting that insecurity.

The choices are therefore... talk/mediate/counselling.... say nothing and keep being taken for granted... or risk calling his bluff and stand up for yourself. 'Better to live one day as a lion than a hundred years as a lamb' etc.

Hi Charbon - I agree with you* that the weekends away won't in themselves their problem but they will help in making the OP feel better about herself, as per this comment:-

I feel taken for granted and worn out most of the time which does make me unhappy

And I also agree with you* that it's no different for women than men to arrange this. Two things drive me and my friends mad on our girls' weekends away:

(a) the amount of women who say to us "Ooh I'd love to be able to do what you're doing but my partner would never let me"

(b) the amount of (mainly) men who say to us "Who's looking after your children while you're away"?

(*In fact, Charbon, I've noticed a lot of your posts recently and I agree with most of what you say, you talk a lot of sense.)

Why thankyou Numberlock!! That's a nice thing to read on a grey August day!!

One of my pet irritations when I go away with my women friends is that a minority of them spends the run-up to what should be a relaxing weekend away shopping, cooking and freezing meals, ironing uniforms and ensuring the house is pristine before they set foot out of the door......exhausted. Do their partners do the same for them when they're away? You guessed it....no chance. I've told them till I'm blue in the face that their partners are perfectly capable of cooking, cleaning and ironing and it's not their concern if they aren't - the kids won't starve and all of them are now old enough to iron their own bloody shirts, but I've come to the conclusion that it's their look-out and as long as we're not interrupted all weekend by their useless needy partners and kids texting and phoning because they can't work the dishwasher, then it's not really my concern. My DH thinks they're all bonkers anyway

And YY to the people who say 'but who's looking after your children?' which I've had from other women as well as men

'but who's looking after your children?'

The people who ask this should have seen it on the front of all the newspapers though.

Headline "Shock horror, father looks after his own kids for the weekend, national scandal, mother deserts children for own selfish pleasure"

I don't think he'd particularly have a problem with me going away. He has managed to look after them once before when I went away. Even got them to school on time . He looks after them while I work in the evenings. But if I am there or around he will automatically assume that I am going to do it, and he'll leave me the washing up/tidying up to do!!

My problem is mainly the being taken for granted part. I don't have a problem on him going out at all. But I don't think that he puts the same amount of effort into me and the kids as he does his friends.

I tried to check his phone last night (rightly or wrongly) but I found the lock sequence has been changed.

Oh dear, so we were thinking along the same lines then?

Whenever I see this set of circumstances; lazy, selfish man who has lots of 'away time', 'works' long hours, takes his wife for granted and then says he thinks he wants out, the possibility of an affair is my first thought.

Have a think about whether some of his behaviour has changed recently. Attached to his phone? even more absences or 'long hours' than usual? Argumentative? Even lazier and more disinterested than usual? Appearing as though he's not really 'present' while at home with you and the family? Did he mention a colleague frequently a long time ago then suddenly went quiet about her? Can you think of a few occasions when he was 'away' that got to you more than others, as though a sixth sense was coming through that all was not as it seemed?

my head aches.........I can't think anymore

Okay. We'll be here when you can.

One tip: don't confront without evidence.

ok thanks everyone here for your help and advice. He's due home in the next hour and I am not looking forward to it. May need a cheeky wine to help.