what can I do to help??

[lifeisneversimple]

I'm not sure if this is the right place but I'm desperate now!

A bit of the back story - about 6 months ago a close friend of mine signed up to a dating site and got chatting to this guy.

They met and all seemed ok until around 2 months into the relationship when she texted me to ask if she could come over. It was 2am. Turned out she had been with this guy and they'd had an argument and he'd stolen her house keys so she couldn't go back home and leave him.

I advised her to get rid as this is a massive red flag for further abuse and I didn't want to see her go through that. I told her no matter what I am here and if she ever needs me to just text and if I can, I'll make sure she is safe.

Needless to say, she took him back and I'm seeing less and less of her, I've not seen her for just shy of a month (very unusual as we normally meet once a week or she will come to mine for a coffee after work etc.

This morning, I've had a phone call from her mum who is very concerned as she hasn't heard anything from her over the weekend. (Her mum raised her on her own and she is very close to her). I've called her and left a message and I've just had a very nasty phone call from him! Basically, he's told me not to phone again, I'm a "nasty, evil, little witch who wants nothing better than to hurt her and make her life hell".

I've told her mum to report her missing and I'm tempted to phone 101 and report him for the abusive phone call. I'm not going to and I'm worried that if her mum does report her missing, its going to make things worse for my friend!

Her mum has said that he has verbally abused her younger DD and I know he has threatened to hurt my friend physically after a PG scare.

I'm worried for my friend but I don't know where to turn as I'm scared of pushing her further into his arms!

WWYD?

Definitely report it. Your friend has been out of touch all weekend, can't be contacted and you're being warned off by a man she hasn't known long but who has a history of irrational, aggressive & violent behaviour. She could be lying on the floor in a pool of blood for all you know. What happens next no-one can say but, if she is being isolated and mistreated, you need to get her out of there pronto. Deal with the aftermath when it happens.

BTW... if you think her mum might get cold feet, report it yourself. Tell them you're very worried, give them the background about the house-key incident, the abusive phone-call etc, and ask them to go around and speak to her in person. Can you get to her place with her mum yourself?

I would definitely report your concerns and ask for a police officer to go to her home to speak to her, it sounds very very worrying.

I can't get out atm as my DD is here and I've no one to watch her.

I've texted her mum to ask if she has called as yet and she's not got back to me yet :( if I don't hear from her mum in the next half an hour, I'll call myself.

I know roughly where the guy lives (ie the floor number and the block of flats he lives in but not the number)

She's not due to work until wednesday so I can't phone and see if she is in either.

Good on you. I think your friend will be grateful ultimately. Do you know his name? It could easily be that he is known to police already if he has a history of DV or similar.

You don't need to go anywhere. Phone the police now and give them the full background. Don't leave this up to her mum, who might be worried about SS getting involved or some backlash against her personally. This is too serious to hang around and wait for news.

I've phoned her mum and she has called the police. They have said they will send someone over to the flat and let her know what's happening. I'm just hoping that she is safe!! Her mum is panicking that she is going to be hurt so I'm trying my best to keep calm and keep her calm too!

Going to take the dog for a walk to try and clear my head (not so easy when you have an 8yr old chattering away like a mad head next to you!!)

Hope your mate is ok.

Yes - hope she is OK! You could always point her here for some good impartial advice.

Was there any newsis? It sounded very worrying.

Any news, newsis....would be better...

Sorry, I've not had chance to get back! My dog has managed to injure herself somehow and my DD has been a pain about giving me the computer back!!

The police have called round to his flat and she was there, the police have said she seemed well and her phone had broken (personally. I think he's done something to it, she's recently spent 200quid on the bloody thing so i doubt its just 'broken'). They tried to talk to her alone but he kept interrupting and making a fuss so they arranging for a DV worker to call to her mums house on wednesday night and talk to her as the police said he seemed really "funny" with them being there. From what I can gather there were 2 male officers.

Her mum is happy she is safe and has said she will contact the police again if she doesnt come home tomorrow. (She works in the city and doesnt have work clothes with her)

I'm glad she's not hurt but still concerned, I've tried getting her to come on here and get some impartial advice on the matter but she doesn't get it. She honestly believes that the way he acts that he is 'helping her'!! What can I say to that

I'm glad she's ok but it sounds a worrying relationship. I hope you manage to stay friends with her seeing as the creepy boyfriend has tried to put a wedge between you.

I'm not one to give up easily!! I'll make sure he doesn't get too far!

Im thinking of emailing her the links to the emotional abuse support threads to see if she recognises herself in any of the posts! I don't know if its a good idea though... Any thoughts?

I wouldn't do that at this stage, it is just isolating her.

You have to take a step back, obviously don't hesistate to involve police etc if you think she might be in immediate danger, but every time you say something directly negative about him to her, he will be countering it by telling her you have a grudge against him, that you're bitter and unreasonable, that he's so misunderstood and nobody understands him the way she does. ie, whatever you've managed to get her to see/admit, he will turn around and she will go back to trusting him, and worse, probably doubting you as well.

What you can do is be there for her as a friend, try to keep the "real her" alive so that she remembers what that feels like, and try not to talk about him, be more subtle than that. If you are in a relationship then mention genuinely supportive/nice things your partner has done, or moan about something he's done that isn't that annoying, and mention that you challenged him about it (because she won't be allowed to challenge him about anything) or talk about a friend/soap/film/book storyline/thread on here which involves a bad relationship and express dismay that someone could be like that to someone they love. Just examples like this (as long as you can do it casually!) which might make her mentally compare against her own relationship and therefore become aware that it's not so perfect.

If she brings up any bad points about him try very very hard not to leap for joy and launch straight back into convincing her that he's a monster, instead reflect back to her what she's saying and use phrases like "That must have been really hurtful" and be sympathetic to her so that she knows she isn't making a big deal over nothing. DON'T offer her immediate coping strategies or tell her to talk to him about it because it won't work, and every time someone said things like this to me it just fuelled my desire to be the one to "fix" my ex. Be shocked if she tells you something shocking - this brings her back to the world of "this isn't normal" and is more likely to set alarm bells ringing for her. But don't make out that you're overly worrying about her if possible or she might start hiding things from you.

I think the links to EA threads or self help books or anything like that only work when she's in a place where she's started to doubt him herself, which might not be for some time.

"She honestly believes that the way he acts that he is 'helping her'!! What can I say to that?"

Rather than emailing threads try to draw her out a little in person. (Assuming you get the opportunity, that is) Get her to tell you in what way he 'helps' and why she needs help in the first place. If your friend has low self-esteem, is insecure or desperate to be in a relationship she could easily be persuaded that his aggressive, possessive behaviour is his way of showing love, protecting her & that kind of thing. His remark about you 'making her life hell' is significant. Everyone's out to get you and I am the only one that loves you and wants to keep you safe.... It's a classic EA grooming technique.

How are you going make sure he doesn't go too far? Sound like he has already gone to far if you have felt the need to call the police. I find it strange that they let him interrupt when trying to talk to her alone.

Thank you bertie and cog, so far I've been doing the 'shocked' face when she mentions things and trying to be supportive when she goes back to him! I've been trying not to get too involved as I know it could drive her further into his arms.

When we speak I shall start telling her what my OH does that's different to him... For example, he has stopped her from drinking (its bad for you, makes you even more fat than you are etc). I've been telling her she's not fat, not this and that but I suppose it coming from a friend and not from a guy you share a bed with is a little different!

Port, the police said (this is only me repeating what I've been told so not verbatim) that they were barely even able to get a sentence out and felt they were better to talk to her when he wasn't about (he doesn't stay at her mums). I'm hoping the visit may knock some sense into her but I'm staying away from that side of things. Her mum has agreed not to get me involved as it might give him more fuel for the fire, so to speak

Telling her she's fat and changing her behaviour (stopping her having a drink) are ways to control your friend. It's horribly obvious what's going on from the outside but, from her perspective, she'll be convinced he's looking after her.

Worrying about 'driving her into his arms' shouldn't prevent you from expressing your concern. Not attacking him necessarily, but simply saying that you're worried about her, she doesn't seem herself, 'I don't see you any more' and the other ways in which she is changing. She may not be listening at the moment but if both you and her mother are saying similar things, she will think about it.

You sound like a good friend and he sounds vile and manipulative, let's hope she sees him for what he really is before he grinds her down any further.

Thank you cogito!! I'm just concerned that anything I say will be taken as an attack on him, its getting the wording right! I'm looking forward to getting my friend back and hopefully this loser will be resigned to the "fucked-in-the-head-bin"!!!

Sugarice - I'm doing my best!!