Realised yesterday that noone in our families wants to spend time with our DS

[CMOTDibbler]

Went to my parents yesterday, and poor ds(6) was trying to tell his gm about things, but her dementia means she takes no real notice of most things said to him. Not her fault, and my dad really doesn't do children v well and isn't well at all, so he doesn't talk to ds either. They can't be left on their own with ds for more than a minute.

But then thought about it - PIL can't be bothered with ds, have never taken him out even for half an hour, go away for months and don't bother to see him in between, don't phone/email/skype, and don't even buy him a birthday present. DHs brothers kids are much older, and they can't be doing with small children, never do a thing with ds. When their kids were small, PIL were at every event for the kids, lots of emphasis on getting together etc.

And it made me so sad that there is not one person in our families who actually gives a toss and wants to spend some time with ds.

Feeling a bit sorry for us (dh, ds and me) today tbh and needed a rant

The saying goes 'you can't pick your family'. I think, in these situations, that the child doesn't lose out anything like as much as the grandparents. Unless your DH is prepared to stand up for your DS with his parents and force them to take more of an interest by pointing out the double-standards, nothing will happen. Same goes for you with your parents. Whilst mental illness can't be helped, you can encourage your Dad to get talking. Why can't he be left alone with them for a minute, exactly?

Dh is fed up of having to force his parents into everything too. He does do it, but is hurt himself with their total lack of interest. We don't hear from them for 3-4 months when they are on holiday (no way of contacting them unless they choose).

Difficult to explain with Dad - he is very, very damaged from his own childhood, and is now ill and forced into a caring role he would never want. Its not a time to try and change things as his time is very limited.

Their house is highly unsafe and neither of my parents notice anything that happens. So although ds knows not to touch the insulin syringes/ sharps bins/tablets, theres discarded opiate patches (look like a plaster), rotten fruit, cat poo under the tables etc etc etc to avoid.

Your DS has no benchmark for grandparenting except what he might hear from friends or read in books. Kids tend to think their normal is normal for everyone else and they deal with things as they find them. I grew up completely cut off from my maternal grandmother and didn't question it at all until I was much older. By contrast my DS (12) has spent lots of time with his doting GPs and now I get the response from him if I say they're visiting. Can't win. :) As long as DS is secure in your and DH's love and as long as the GPs are pleasant enough when they actually see him, I don't think he'll miss out at all.

I think you sound like a strong family with just the three of you and your DS won't feel anything is missing without his gps. I personally never saw either gps when I was growing up because they lived abroad, it never dawned on me that I was missing out on anything.

I'm sorry you feel like this, but don't be swayed by visions of the perfect, extended, nuclear family.
If you don't have if, you don't have it.

Doesn't sound as if the GP house is the ideal environment anyway, stick to your friends and build in gps when you can.

If people are old, ill, in pain etc, a small child is probably the last thing they want. They don't find our children as endlessly fascinating as we do...!

Awwww - sympathise. My PILs haven't seen my ds for 2 years - their choice DH is hurt by it. So long as your DS's life is filled with other meaningful relationships it won't matter. Few relationships are many, so long as they are important to him and he to them, in whatever shape that may be he will feel loved. Sound like you do a great job.

I was estranged from my maternal GP's as a child, and paternal GP's died when I was young, never missed what I didn't have to be honest. HTH

My dcs never knew my mum as she died years ago.
Dad died 10 years ago and for the last 2 years of his life never saw the children..he couldn't cope with the noise ( they were 6 and 3)

Only saw PIL about twice a year....things are better now since MIL has died as she was not a nice person. Ds actually goes down to stay with FIL on his own now, but dd doesn't like him.

I agree with lostmyidentity....we have visions of perfect family life in other peoples ' famlies, but it's not the case. Just read the IL threads here!

I honestly don't expect perfect family stuff - or for the gps to spend loads of time with ds. But just some interest, from someone in the family. I didn't get to spend much time with my gps for various reasons, but they phoned a lot, and wanted to hear about school etc, and was close to my great aunts on both sides.

Alas, ds is aware of the fact that other childrens relatives come to plays, gps turn up at Grandparents day, other children go to spend time with gps over the summer.

But I feel better for talking about it. And, lets face it, theres not a lot that can be done.

I sympathise. My ex's parents have never seen my dd she's 2.2. Yes I hate them just as much as I hate my ex but you'd have thought they'd pay some interest in their only granddaughter. She has never received a Christmas or birthday card from them and yet their other grand kids go for tea every Wednesday, get spoiled rotten and go on regular camping holidays. It's pissed me off for these two years but then when I look at what fantastic grandparents my folks are to her, they are worth ten of my ex's.

Oh I feel your pain. It is so sad that no adult in the entire family has any interest in your son. Hopefully what another poster has said is true, that the grandparents lose out more than the grandchildren.

I have four children and no adult on either side is interested in them. Both sets of grandparents go 3/4 or more months between speaking/seeing them. A friend also pointed out to me how sad it is that neither my parents or Dh's parents feel the need to speak/ or see me or him.

I do find it hard to think that there are alot of other people in my situation. I always feel I must be in the minority. My sister has her inlaws who are interested in her kids, and my brother has his inlaws who are interested in his kids. I don't have any friends whose kids don't see/spend time with at least one set of grandparents.

So, sometimes I get sad thinking the only adults who will significantly affect my children's lives are me and dh. I know my kids are lucky there are children who have noone, I do appreciate this, but relatively speaking, compared to my peers I feel my children would gain from another adult in their lives.

I think you are quite right to be sad about it at times, you just have to dust yourself off and get on with it. As Dh says, there is nothing we can do about it, and it will be my parents and inlaws who will eventually be the sadder for it.

It hurts. There is no getting away from that fact. :(

I know you want the blood relatives to show an interest and I sympathise with your situation, it's painful.

My friend had no parents by the time her kids came along and her MIL was overseas, so she advertised for 'surrogate grandparents' in her church. She did live in a small village....so I guess everyone knew everyone. They ended up with a lovely older couple who hadn't had children and built up a lovely relationship over the years.

At least it's not because your DS has behaved badly, OP. I've got that problem with one of mine.

At least he has you... Think of the DCs who live with their GPs because their parents don't care.

CMot - DS doesn't get his grandparents turning up at GP day either. They're too far away. We regularly 'adopted' grandparents when he was younger as we walked around the park. They were charmed, albeit somewhat bemused, and he was happy.

You must remember that your DS is lucky to be with you and DH - and whilst significant grandparental input might be a nice thought, its not as important as the two of you.

GPs are nice-to-have, but nowhere near essential. Also, a lot of older people really can't be doing with small kids anymore, so it may change as he grows.

I know we/he are lucky in that we have each other, I really do. But we just go through life having to be everything to each other, and though we've got some lovely friends (like the ones who are having ds this weekend so DH and I can go away together for the first time ever), its not the same.

I forgot to say - its not just the GPs - its the lack of aunts, uncles, cousins etc having a meaningful part of our lives that adds up.