Anybody read that "he's just not that into you" book by greg and liz? wdyt?

[OkOkOk]

I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years and before that, the guy I was with dumped me with a pretty brutal character assassination and cut me out of his life totally and because of all my flaws, mutual friends seemed to be swept along with cutting me out of various social events too. That's why I ended up with such a bastard the next time 'round. Had kids with him too. doh.

anyway, I left him four years ago and I am in the process of recalibration. The next man will be a nice one or he just won't be in my life at all. I've just read this book and although I agree with most of what he says, I find his insistence that a woman can't ask a man out a bit too dogmatic in this day and age. I do feel better equipped to put a toe into the OD world now. I know i will not put up with being strung along. But I don't want to be the passive woman waiting to be chosen. I would like to look at other people's profiles too and make some choices too! Otherwise, how will I be "that into" the men who may or may not be into me . I feel this greg behrendt guy is probably very right about 95% of what's in the book. Is he wrong about this one thing? I wonder if anybody else has read it! It's nothig you wouldn't learn on mumsnet to be honest! A very light read indeed.

Yes you can and should ask men out! Don't wait around to be asked.

I don't know why I'm quibbling with that part of his advice really! I've been single for so long now, it's not as if I'm marching up to random strangers and asking them out in bank queues or in cafes. Hardly. But if I did feel that somebody might like a little bit then it would be worth the RISK of asking wouldn't it?

I googled this greg berhendt guy and he looks a bit smug, like an american ben fogle.

cos, relationships end when the women just aren't in to the man as well. I think I trust myself now after all this time not to buy a long line of stupid excuses. After a long stint on mumsnet I can smell bullshit from five hundred metres!

Haven't read the book but I think it's ok to ask but make sure you're not the only one asking to see/phone him.

Hi yes Iv read it and keep it very handy as Iv not long started OD and feel I need to go back and have a little peek at it sometimes as the whole dating is new to me.
I too thought I could smell bullshit but trust me its difficult when your OD! Good luck to you though :)

Yes it's so easy when you're reading somebody else's stories online, but if the only guy you're attracted to or the only guy whose company you enjoyed rings you once every ten days and say you're busy yourself, and not waiting by the phone anyway, it'd be hard to know what to do. As Greg would say I'm not GETTING IT YET.

YY. I think you've hit the point of it. I've only seen the film based on it and various posts on mumsnet and I think that most of the advice in it is sound, but it is perhaps a little old fashioned on that particular point. And yes, one sided, since it's okay to just not be into him either!

Try Mr Unavailable And The Fallback Girl. Author has a blog www.baggagereclaim.co.uk which is fantabulous.

Thanks BB, I will check out those books on amazon now. I am interested in reading a bit more to really drive home the point that I deserve to have one of these men who treats you very very well. I do want to reinforce that belief in myself because tbh it is really shaky. my first bf was gay and so found me undesirable! (there's a chapter on that). the next was older than me and really bossy. the third told me the night i met him he was going back to south africa and i spent a year with him anyway and was devastated when he........ went back to SA. then, the one who dumped me with a brutal character assassination, THEN the abusive one. Then years and years of being single and nwo I'm in my early forties. SEE why I'mSCARED!!!!

I will read a few more books to drive home the point. I know it rationally but it needs to be innate, a visceral belief that you deserve to be treated with total respect and affection.

I quite enjoyed it too. But you know what, when I met my DH...I just 'knew' he was the one! I always laughed at such suggestions, with previous relationships always having elements of game playing, mind guessing, second guessing etc should I text, should i ring, why hasn't he rung/text etc. Boy, always so bloody exhausting!

Just make sure your bullshit radar is switched on so you don't end up following your pattern in another abusive relationship (I'd be focusing on that, not whether it's ok to ask someone out or not!)

When he's the right man, it will be easy. Trust in that, and stop worrying about what books say you should and shouldn't do. You're massively over-analysing. :) Good luck! (oh, and I was single for nearly 6 years after being engaged in my 20's, I was so scared I'd end up alone. Once I accepted 'being' alone, and started to enjoy my life and love who I was, got my hobbies back etc..THAT was when I met DH. It's so true what they say. Desperate will always come across even if you try to tell yourself inside you're not desperate. I know. I was that woman!) I'd forget buying more bloody books, and start finding yourself!

I'm definitely not desperate! I can see why people reading my thread might think that, but really, I'm a bit too happy watching American Tv series I've downloaded, surfing the net and chatting to strangers!, reading, just keeping on top of my household & kids and getting in a bit of exercise and that's it, I'm ready for bed!!! I don't really feel like there's a great big hole in my life. Maybe i do feel like I should make myself try and get out there though. I would like somebdoy lovely to fall into my lap and to "just know" like you say. that would be fabulous!

I don't want to be alone when I'm older though... when the children leave home, I admit I might be lonely then.

I would try and get out there :) Everything you mention just nods to you being inside the house, which is fine, but you're not going to rock any changes, you'll just carry on as you are. I wasn't saying you were desperate, I was just saying it can come across like that (even when you say to yourself you're not!), I know! I was that woman!

It's hard when you have kids etc - but do they have hobbies? Something you could get your teeth into with them? You need to open your horizons, change your routines. I used to say "well I go to the gym' - well, yes, I did, but I used to get there, do my routines and go home! Never met anyone! Ditto for the solo shopping around Tesco!

Can you join a local group? I don't know - I know it all sounds a bit cheesy, but you just need to rock your routine! :)

No you're absolutely right. i'm content in my own little world msot nights and only occasionally feel ho hum lil ol' me on my tod. ?Sometimes I hear the tick tock of my chronological clock. (not biological thank god!)

I read the book, I thought it was vacuous and patronising, and baggage reclaim is cheesy cod psychology

Just my opinion of course

baggage reclaim? i only finished it this morning and ive forgotten that bit....

oh that's by somebodyelse, right,,

I read the book a while ago and really enjoyed it. I don't really recall him saying "don't make the first move" but what I really took away was the message that if you're not getting the right signals, don't force it or kid yourself by making excuses for him- eg "he hasn't called cos he's really busy at work", "he cancelled our date at the last minute because he had to support his best mate whose goldfish died" , "he hasn't introduced me to his friends because they are all really busy" etc- Greg's message is that a guy who is "into" a girl will find a way to treat her well, even if he has million other commitments. I suffered a lot with a bloke who was all talk but frequently blew me out, ignored calls and was constantly pulling the "really busy at work", didn't hear the phone" tricks. He was using me for sex, basically, and I was such a doormat I let him. (though it was pretty damn hot sex ).

My current boyfriend is the polar opposite, behaviorally. Not one for declarations but he always calls when he says he will, is never late, has involved me in every aspect of his life and is just generally considerate. It was thanks to Greg that I ditched the tosser and held out for someone better.

Greg also has another book called "it's called a breakup because it's broken" which is brilliant for rationalising the end of a relationship and avoiding relapses.

For a good dating book, I'd also recommend "have him at hello" by Rachel somebody ( forget her name but will come up on Google) - she did "exit interviews" with guys who had not wanted second or third dates with women and it contains some really surprising stuff about what we do unconsciously that gives men the wrong impression about who we are.

Interesting , might have a look at 'have him at hello' as well.

There is a man who I could date if I wanted to (hope that comes out sounding right). He is very into me. But the reason he's into me is that he is older than I am. I do like him but ....... have some reservations. I wonder would this guy be into me (the very same me) if I were his age. Or if he were my age.

I might say oh alright gwan then to this man, but if he had read Greg's book he'd know not to !!

I read the book about 3 months before meeting dh. It was a bit like a lightbulb moment in my life really, I found the film really disappointing and not at all the same as the book though.

Before dh I was (mostly) attracted to men who weren't interested in settling down or being monogamous and spent hours wondering why I hadn't met the right person. I think that's why I loved the book as it reminded me that I didn't really want a challenge I wanted a loving and happy relationship.

I don't know whether it contributed to me being with dh but after I met him (strangely I knew I was going to marry him the moment I saw him) I didn't have any issues with not calling or telling lies, no game playing at all and that made me know it's right. I think the book is brilliant and when dd starts to date (in many many years) I'll be buying it for her so she doesn't put up with losers, although hopefully she will know she is worth more than that because I tell her daily.

When it comes to asking men out I personally wouldn't but that is because I think that if a man wants to go out with you they will ask you. Don't waste your time thinking about it, i they don't then they're not interested in you. No big deal. Just enjoy your life.

Do you actually like (fancy) the older bloke or not?

I do like him and I'm attracted enough sleep with him, but not sure that it's exciting enough. He doesn't give me butterflies. But then, butterflies = uncertainty sometimes and I hate that. I wish Id read the book years ago Strawberry, I have gone out with some right timewasters.

i read it back along - it made me quite strict with myself and with men when i was dating - they don't like it if you challenge them about not phoning or whatever!! he he - i've been called high maintenance a few times because of it but feck it - i dont want to emotionally invest on someone emotionally feckless

Hmm butterflies always go sooner or later, you should go on a date with him and see how it goes..doesn't have to be serious :)