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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mid Thirties, Three Young Kids, Shattered. What's sex? Are we 'normal'?

20 replies

GaultierGirl · 08/03/2006 21:02

dh and I are both 36, we have three kids under four. He works very hard and is abroad a lot on business leaving me to manage the little ones with no other family help. I don't 'work' but am often driven loopy by my 3,2 and 1 year old sons.

We have known each other for 14 years and have been married for eight. I am passionate about him and love everything (almost ) about him. We make love very rarely, but when we do it is magic. We sleep together once every 2-3 months. YES months. We have gone three pregnancies with sex only 2 or 3 times the whole 9 months. We talk about it and we come to the conclusion that yes, we should 'do it' more but are both frazzled and a cuddle will do! We are happily married. Is anyone else in the same boat - great relationships, little sex? Perhaps it's just me .

OP posts:

FrayedKnot · 08/03/2006 21:07

The important thing is that neither of you mind the current state of affairs and that when you do have the time/energy/opportunity you both enjoy it.

Hausfrau · 08/03/2006 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

GaultierGirl · 08/03/2006 21:19

so it's us and hausfrau! Phew.

OP posts:

crazydazy · 08/03/2006 21:22

Everytime DP and I make love we always say "we should do it more often" because we really enjoy it when we can both summon up the energy, arrive in bed at the same time and both be in mood!!

Think it does make it more pleasurable though, if you are dying for it because you haven't made love for what you describe as a couple as "a long time" iyswim?

alexsmum · 08/03/2006 21:24

oh god no, it's not just you.

Original poster

GaultierGirl · 08/03/2006 21:25

Great.... there's a few of us!!!

OP posts:

mum2sam · 08/03/2006 23:13

God what hope do I have im only in my mid-twenties and only have the one child yet i feel exactly the same. Sex is just something I try to fit into my life if we havent done it for while.

WideWebWitch · 08/03/2006 23:31

I don't think it matters what other people are doing or what 'normal' is, I think what matters is how you two feel about it. And I think many people with young children are shattered and need to make time for sex because it isn't necessarily top of the agenda (not saying it should be!) but if it's bothering the two of you then you need to do something about it - make more time (do you have babysitters? Can you get away together alone?), buy more time, go to bed earlier, whatever it takes.

handlemecarefully · 09/03/2006 00:16

Blimey - I'm not surprised that the jiggy jiggy is infrequent.

I don't feel up for it much (and I've only got 2 under 4)

lazyanna · 09/03/2006 08:09

it's been years, literally

puddingandpie · 09/03/2006 22:40

your not on your own. what is the old saying you should put a penny in the jar for everytime you make love when you first meet and then try and take them out. that so applies to me. love it when it happens but god getting the kids down us both in the mood . the planning makes spontaneous ones well what's that.

alliebaba · 09/03/2006 22:42

put it this way..i prefer a cuddle as i'm pooped.. dh regularly sulks about this (the numpty) you've got a lovely strong marriage by the sounds of things x

paolosgirl · 09/03/2006 23:00

It's not just you - and talking to my friends, it's not just you and I, either!! I think when you've been married for aeons, with young kids and busy lives, sex isn't always the most important thing in the relationship. It's lovely when it does happen, but the cuddles, chats and time together is just as important IMO.

Wordsmith · 09/03/2006 23:12

Every two or three months - that's positively rampant if you've got 3 kids!

harrisey · 10/03/2006 07:36

You could be writing a description of us too! Very happily married, but just not enough time or energy for the neccessary! We're also mid thirties, hard working husband, no family close by, and though our kids are a little older I remember having 3 under 4 (mine are now 6, 4 and 2).
So you are not alone, and like us your marriage sounds wonderful, and I'm sure the desire will return when you both have more energy.

anniebear · 10/03/2006 17:43

I agree, positively rampant Every two or three months!!!!!!

SoupDragon · 10/03/2006 17:44

Pretty much normal I think!

niceglasses · 10/03/2006 18:04

OOh could be me writing your post, 3 kids under 6, dh works verrrrrrrrrrry long hours, I'm a bit bored with kids all day but don't think I could do childcare. Very little sex, dh not so plsd about it, but where do I get it all back. Still happily married I think. Sigh.

popsycalindisguise · 10/03/2006 18:07

i hope it is normal
early thirties, ds1 3.5 ds2 just turned 1 and doesnt sleep

once every 2-3 months sounds pretty normal to me

Issymum · 10/03/2006 18:32

Every 2 or 3 months: an aspirational target, I'd say.

Sometimes it helps if rather than adopting a "bonking or bust" approach you both agree to do just a little, ahem, "fooling around". The prospect is way less exhausting than all that horizontal jumping around and therefore more likely to occur.

Flip