Should I keep going

[Graceparkhill]

Hello all- I am a fairly frequent poster offering sage advice but not someone who asks ( true in RL as well). Have name changed for this as don't want to risk being recognised.

I think I am at the end of my tether but would appreciate any views especially if you have any experience of OCD.

Long story short been with DH 30 years ,mainly happy until 5 years ago when he had severe MH probs. Refused to continue with treatment and now lives v quiet home based life. Does all housework ,most of cooking but rarely ventures out.

Has diagnosis of OCD and acute anxiety. Main issue for me is OCD. This will sound weird to those of you with normal lives but he has issues with food,eating and cooking smells. I no longer eat in front of him and where possible eat out( lunch at work,tea on the way home)

Nobody in RL has any idea of the situation.

I thought things would get better eventually but tonight found he had gone through my bag looking for hidden food. He says I am a food addict and that he is trying to help

We have 2 older DS who I have tried to prioritise whilst supporting DH. They love their dad and acknowledge his difficulties.

I could make a reasonable life for me and the boys although we would be financially less well off.

I have stayed through loyalty and love ( and the hope that things would improve)but the bag incident has really upset me.
Any advice would be most welcome

Could you chat to your GP?

Sounds incredibly difficult. At least you have made a start by posting here. You know MN somebody will be helpful.

That must be extremely difficult to live with, for both of you.

I think you have to give him an ultimatum that he seeks professional help, even if it means perhaps you saying to him (white lie obviously) that he may have a point about you, and it would be an idea to go see the GP together.

I would think this is going to get worse, and will reach a point where you end up ill with the stress too otherwise.

Thank you both. My GP has been very helpful but because DH refuses treatment there is nothing more he can do.
If DH became a danger to himself/ others then MH services would get involved.
Ordinarily I cope well enough but the going through my bag incident has upset me very much indeed

Do u think that if u did leave that ur dh would then get help? Like a shock tactic.

Does he have more lucid moments, when he accepts that his behaviour is irrational? Could your kids try talking to him, would he listen to them, or any other close family member?

It's too much to carry someone's MH issues on your own, with no support for either of you.

Perhaps think of booking some counselling for yourself, while you decide what to do ( unless you have decided already of course.)

My only suggestion is to talk to him and tell him that the latest incident is the last straw for you. That you've helped for X years but you are suffering as well. It's strange that he refused treatment if it was offered ? perhaps it didn't work, or he felt it made matters worse?..Or he thought he was better and didn't need it. The choice to give up and stay home out of acute anxiety is not usually made lightly. It's an I don't know what else to do, desperate kind of choice.

So no great insights, I'm sorry?..but seeking support for yourself must be a priority, as gritting your teeth and soldiering on may not be able to take you much further.

He does have lucid moments but I would say they are fewer and farther between. Close family members don't know although I sometimes wonder if they prefer to turn a blind eye.

I could ask DS1 - up until now I have had a policy of shielding them and not dragging them into the situation. The eating out thing or example does not impact much. I have never explained why I don't eat in front of DH and it has gone on for so long that they don't think it is strange.

I am finding it very helpful to answer these questions. It is helping me to clarify my thoughts. Thank you.

Speaking from the experience of my husband having a nervous breakdown, it really does help to share things with family. You should not carry this on your own.

My stepchildren were in their early 20's when their Dad became ill, and they were a massive support, and my MIL was also amazing. Even friends were invaluable.

Thanks Squeaky Toy. He is a very private person with no close friends. When he first became ill he didn't want people to know and I respected that.

I have had to distance myself from some friends because I can't keep up the pretence and obviously no one comes to ours for a meal!

I am coming round to the idea of being more open. He has two brothers whom we see rarely so I might start with telling them.

Sorry Lady Wordy. Meant to say I had counselling 18 months ago and it was very helpful. It was a great relief to talk openly to someone.

I might go back for more but it was v expensive and he is also very OCD around money!

I think that is a good idea. At the moment, it may seem to your husband that he is "right", because nobody is questioning him. He can tell himself this, and believe it.

My husband is the first to agree now that talking is the only way things can start to get better, but admitting to having a problem in the first place is the hardest bit.

You are right too, you cant keep up this pretence, it will really have an impact on your own health to try and continue like this.

Just a random thought here. Does he have a favourite food, takeaway or something that you would also eat too. I am wondering if you could somehow negotiate eating in front of the tv, both of you eating the same food. Would that work?

Thanks again Squeaky Toy. He is very frightened of food. Weighs himself three times a day and restricts his diet so eating together would be very difficult.

He doesn't mind the boys eating although he objects to anything "smelly"

Can I ask if you felt you were "betraying " your DH by being open about his MH difficulties ?

That is my biggest worry.

I do appreciate you taking the time to speak to me online.

No, I really did not feel as though I was betraying him at all.

Although, the reasons behind that are due to the nature of the breakdown. My FIL had suffered with manic depression (bi-polar) most of his life, and committed suicide (this was about 5 years ago). My husband had his breakdown in the aftermath of this, although there had been small OCDish things that had affected him for years. His younger brother had died in a car crash at the age of 19, and obviously this had a dreadful effect on both my FIL and my husband. Both of them bottled up their feelings.

My biggest fear was that my husband would do the same as his Dad had done, and for that reason I would not allow it to be kept secret. I had to get him as much help as I could.

Thank you so much. You have been through a lot. I am very influenced by what you say and am going to start being open .
I am off to bed now. It has been a terrible day but I feel so much better.
Nighty,night. X

I am glad to have been able to help a bit. I hope you can start the ball rolling to get him well again. :) Night xx

Quick update. Started making some plans today regarding house etc. Have emailed my 2 SILs (don't feel up to phoning) with brief summary of the background and my future plans.

Have decided to move out at least for the time being and see if DH will accept help in my absence.

Good luck hun, hopefully the shock of you moving out might push him into treatment. Its hard when someone won't accept help but he very obviously needs it. Will the GP not let you make a referral? I only say this as my DH has the authority to make a referral on my behalf to MH prof if he thinks I need it (he never has had to) although this was something I agreed to a long time ago so that may be the big difference.

GP has been great. Has offered to prescribe meds and has come to house but DH refused to speak to him.

DH doesn't think he is ill. His obsessions are all perfectly logical to him.
Thanks for coming back to me. It means a lot!

I suffer from OCD and it is really shitty for me - and also really shitty for DH.

Do you know why he won't get help? It could be because therapy for OCD involves facing the fears by something called exposure experiments. Could it be that he is frightened?

I am not surprised you are frustrated, and it is not fair that you are feeling you have to change your life to fit in with the OCD.

There are 2 OCD organisations I am aware of in the UK - both of which offer support to people close to OCD sufferers as well as the sufferers themselves through forums, online advice etc. They are here:

OCD Action (it looks like the link at the bottom of this page has an article about what to do when a loved one refuses help for OCD)

and here:

OCD UK

Hope that's of some help

Thank you Servalan. I will look into those websites in a moment.
With regards to why DH won't accept help I suppose fear is at the root of it but what he says is that he does not have a problem- I am the one with problems.
He can be verbally aggressive so it has been easier to give in than confront and I have concentrated on trying to give the boys a normal life so have compromised when things have negatively affected me ( eating out is expensive and a bit soul destroying esp in the winter). He used to go out more ( all within a restricted routine) so that gave me some time to myself .
Thanks again.

Me again. Just to say thanks for all the helpful suggestions

I got a lovely reply from one SIL and I have told DS1 a bit more than I would otherwise have and he has been great

Wish I had been more open ages ago.

The OCD refusal to engage article was spot on.

I know it's a cliche but it is so good to know I am not the only one.