I have just been reading ItsOdds thread about her relationship and 'red flags' that she 'should' have noticed / acted on etc. It has made me realise that I probably have no idea about how a new relationship should feel / be.
I have spent most of my life in a long and what I considered 'good' relationship, and so always imagined that I know exactly what a good relationship is and should be.
BUT, looking back, the start of that relationship was a bit fucked up. He was in a relationship and I was the OW. It was all very messy and unpleasant. However I have put this down to being so young when we met, and never really thought about it (until the last few years when we broke up due to infidelity - karma is a bitch eh!). My ex would lie to me casually about money / women etc etc for most of our relationship. But I justified that to myself as 'well this is normal, all my girlfriends moan about their lying men too, don't men just lie as standard to make their lives easier'.
I only had one 'relationship' before that, and that only lasted 3 months, and we were in the 6th form, so again it's not something that I ever give any thought to. But having read the red flag thread, I can look back on that and realise that he was emotionally abusive, and that when he dumped me that I would have taken any amount of shit to 'keep him'.
I have been divorced for several years now, with no relationships, but have recently got involved with someone (it's now over). BUT, he had a girlfriend (but the usual bullshit story of how they were nearly broken up etc etc). And so that 'relationship' has been full of cheating / guilt etc. Also he had red flags waving all over him in terms of stuff he said, his attitude towards women, his sexual behaviour etc etc. But again, I was just accepting that as somehow normal, and justifying it all to myself. I was actively in denial about the red flag things, and would think 'hmmm, that's probably a bad sign, but I'll just ignore it and concentrate on the good stuff' on more than one occasion.
So having read ItsOdd's thread, I have had a blinding realisation that I have never had a relationship start without tons of pain / angst / deceit etc etc.
My childhood was not a heap of fun, domestic violence, infidelity, divorce and then some. So I don't have any early childhood experience of happy marriage.
Can anyone recommend any useful books on what relationships SHOULD be like. Or are all new relationships full of angst and 'does he like me' type anxiety and stress?