Moving on - not attracted to anyone

[whatcomesnext]

Namechanger alert

I split up with exP almost 3 years ago - he was cheating, I found out, all very messy. DC was not even 1 at the time, exP halfheartedly saw DC for a few months but gradually lost interest and it has now been a year since he has seen or even made any attempt (text etc) to get in touch with DC.

The instant I knew he'd cheated, my feelings ended. There was no way I was taking him back, end of story. Never once have I regretted my decision, he was an idiot and life is so much better without him. I work now, DC is loving nursery, we have a nice little house and friends and generally life is sweet. I do not miss ex at all, or even think about him.

But. I would like to meet someone of course, for the long term, as probably most of us would. I've done online dating etc, met a few guys now who on paper are perfect for me but in person, I feel...nothing. Even men that in my head should be attractive, there is just nothing there. Like, nothing at all. I don't ever fancy anyone, or feel attracted to anyone, nothing. Is this normal? And if it is, or even if not, what do I do?! I want to meet someone, but it's almost as though that bit of my brain is switched off, and I have no idea how to get it going again! A couple of years ago I admittedly wasn't ready but it's been almost 3 years! We were only really together for 3 years, off and on.

Has anyone else experienced this? And if so, how did you move on? I'm so ready for a relationship now, but I need to be able to feel attracted, or it will just be a non-starter! Any thoughts?

You're not on your own, I have the very same problem so unfortunately I can't be any help but just to let you know that you are not the only one.

I was like that for two years. Then last Christmas I met someone and I loved being with him and being close and we had such a laugh and it felt amazing. It didn't work out, he was much younger, but I remember saying to my sister that I never thought I would be like that with a man again, thought I would be alone forever. It was lovely and opened me up to the possibility of perhaps being with someone again.

Self preservation maybe and you haven't met the right guy and you're not ready yet. It is good to be selective.

Selective is good, yes. I am definitely a lot fussier than I ever have been before, mostly because they have to be good enough for DC and I don't want to introduce him to some moron like his dad And I like that about the new me. Do you think it is that just noone has come up to standard? Because I feel more like they have, but something is stopping me let it happen! Oh I don't know. I just don't want to be stuck in limbo forever! Really wanting the next stage of life to start and I just don't know what's holding me back.

Getting past previous relationships can beva lengthy and complex time. Different for everybody. There is no rush honestly. I highly recommend the American style of multi dating with no promises to anybody. Just keep a different sim card for mobile phone and new email address for dates if online dating, use paid sites not POF, do not feel obligated to tell the date you are meeting others none of their business and you are obligated to nobody. Just have fun keeo your home address to yourself.

I haven't fancied anyone in years

From my perspective it's not so much about getting out there and meeting as many people as possible it's about meeting people with the same kinds of perspectives and goals, it takes a long time to make friends and can take as long to become comfortable with someone to fancy them. Instant physical attraction is often just a flash in the pan whereas falling for a "friend" tends to last longer.

Get out there but do things you like.

I totally agree with Natural but for a qjuic quick phase of confidence boosting you can try my method.

It's OK not to have a partner. Some people are happier being single, despite the relentless propaganda to the effect that women 'need' A Man In Their Lives. If you are finding it hard to summon up any interest in men/dating/sex/relationships, don't force yourself to keep dating. There's no need to do so.

Sole, I completely disagree with the whole multi dating improving confidence and believe it often causes more insecurity/bad choices.

It is great to get out there but in terms of doing things you love, hobbies, activities etc rather than wasting time in, say, pubs where you might not be comfortable. If you want a quick shag, go for a quick shag but if you want a fullfilling relationship go out and do stuff you like without the stress of just attraction as it's basically a red herring for longevity.

Multi dating is nothing to do with sex in my world.

I don't feel I have to have a partner, but I want one! Weekends are quite lonely at times, friends are good but it's just not the same. I would like someone to love, and to love me in return. I'm early 30's and not ready to settle for being alone just yet. I'm not dreaming of some big white wedding or anything, I've never been like that but I do feel I'd like that side of my life back.

I do find online dating quite hard. I seem to attract messages from wildly unsuitable types, and struggle to know what to say to any that do catch my eye, so end up not messaging them! I get very little child free time so meeting anyone at an activity would be pretty tricky, and I don't have the sort of job where I could meet anyone (tiny office). But even if I did, I probably wouldn't fancy them anyway! Arrgh.

Just don't do anything then to attract a mate. Just do stuff youvenjoy, care for you. If its going to happen it shall but if not.. You'll survive. meetup.cim is a good site for social activities or spice

Yes, definitely look into hobbies/interests that involve meeting other people; what a lot of single parents need, far more than a new partner, is friends. It's easy to get very starved of adult company when you are on your own with DC all day. What do you like to do, OP? Dancing? Sport? Arts and crafts?

Yeh, after four years of being a single parent, about a year ago I made a really good friend who is also a single parent. I'd met single parents before but never clicked with them. meeting this woman has made a big difference to how I feel. I feel like we are a little clique now. In amongst the married lady cliques at the school gates! we stand there now, definitely not talking about what our husbands said/did/ate.

I didn't have feelings for anyone for a couple of years, but in retrospect it gave me time to heal from past hurts.

I'm now very happy with DP, I'm besotted with him and I didn't foresee that in the slightest!

Thanks everyone. So maybe there's nothing I can do? Just wait and see. I'm just worried it's taking so long! I definitely did need time to heal at first, although I might not have admitted it at the time, but I'm so ready to move on now. Maybe I just haven't met anyone good enough.

I don't really have many 'interests', I'm not sporty or anything like that. I have a good friend who is single too and we go out for meals, drinks etc. Plus I don't really have a regular babysitter so committing to a regular night for a class or something would be difficult.

Just knowing I'm not the only one is a comfort :)

I know exactly how you feel. When my ex left in January (the marriage had been dead 18 months) I thought I would never feel anything towards anyone ever again. And the thought of touching someone's body turned my stomach! I even blamed the menopause. When my ex informed me he was starting to 'date' I wished him well but secretly thought how dare he move on so quickly. That night I logged on to a dating website thinking if you can't beat 'em join 'em. To cut a long story short I have met someone 4 times & feelings have been reawakened that I have not felt for many years. I am so sensible but the saucy texts have lifted my spirits There is hope I promise! I would say throw caution to the wind and flirt and say and do things you wouldn't normally do. You have been protecting yourself.

That's good to read. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be attracted to somebody who is attracted to ME. Will I ever get to feel that again? I'm 42 now. And there's no queue of men, attractive or otherwise, forming behind me. I've been reading that book 'he's just not that into you' and I get it, what he's saying and after a long time being single I wouldn't have put up with nonsense, but it's raising the issue for me,, will I ever be 'into' somebody who's into me?

Well I am ancient at 49 but I would still say there is hope. Be open-minded and proactive. Be over-confident even if you have to fake it like I do. Put yourself out there more forcefully and see what happens. When you see someone showing an interest in you, you might find your feelings start to stir.