Why do I feel so betrayed?

[justabigkidatheart]

Dh has been working away for the past 2 weeks and came home on Friday for the weekend. On Saturday, we went out for some lunch with the dc's. Ds (20 months) was v hungry so to keep him entertained until our food arrived, dh gave him his phone to watch some videos of ds and dd playing which he loves. When the video ended, ds wanted me to put another one on so I took the phone off him and was looking through the videos. At the top of the list, I found four pornographic videos. I passed the phone to dh and just said 'I don't think I was supposed to find these was I'. His instant reaction was 'How did those get on there'.

My stomach knotted. I just wanted to leave the restaurant straight away but didn't want to make a big fuss in front of the dc's. I am feeling extremely betrayed. I didn't speak to dh all day yesterday and we had a few words today. He basically said he was drunk and missing me. This kind of makes it all worse because I feel we have a healthy, varied sex life and that when he wants to masturbate on his own, he should be thinking of me/us. He asked me if I always thought of him and that he thinks its ok to think of other people. Throughout all this, I feel he is belittling my feelings, telling me I'm making way to big a deal out of all of it and that its not worth spoiling our weekend together. He is a very intelligent man and sometimes when we have a disagreement, I feel I am unable to articulate myself well enough. Am I over reacting to all of this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Is he still denying that he knows how they got on there. Is it possible that one of his workmates could have used his phone? It seems a very stupid thing for a dad to do when he knows his child plays with his phone.

The porn is down to you and your opinion on it. It definitely needs to be completely out of risk of DC.

However I think you are being a little over sensitive to think that he should think about you and only you when he masturbates. A quick 5 minute job thinking about Jessica Alba or anyone else is in no way a statement about you or how your H thinks about you.

Sorry, are you honestly saying you think he should only mastubate if he is thinking about you? It's not very realistic I'm afraid and if he told you that, I doubt it would be the truth.

Porn always causes varying discussion but that's just my view.

Not very wise for him to give phone to DCs with porn on though!

he has admitted to watching them. I think that, because he was drunk, he did not realise he had actually downloaded them iyswim.

I guess I am being naive when it comes to who he thinks about when he masturbates.

Yes I do think you're overreacting, but I totally understand your feelings. As long as watching porn is as far as it goes, it's a visual stimulation for him (albeit a potentially crass and unrealistic one).

Leaving it on his phone for your kids to see is what I'd feel most pissed off about tbh.

I also feel for you if he belittles your feelings. He should be able to understand that if you're pissed off, then you're pissed off and don't need to be told that you shouldn't be pissed off. My DH sometimes does this - asks me what's wrong, I tell him what's wrong and then he goes on to tell me that I shouldn't be feeling like that. Grrrr!

oh god. i know what the sensible answer should be. it is that porn is just porn and masturbation is just that - a private act and it has no bearing on how he feels about you etc etc. I know when i masturbate i often dont think of current partners specifically.

However, i know how it feels to find this out and for some reason it upsets me. maybe it is our own insecurities. in fact i am sure it is but it doesnt make it any easier to get our heads round. It feels as if we are no longer enough to make them aroused or to want to w*k over. at the beginning we may be but after a while - no. so in a way it us about us iyswim? I know for me i never w*k over real people anyway its all about the situation (enough said on my perversions!). But men work differently to us and it is often about how sexy they find us. but that is just me. sorry.

flubba - I know exactly what you mean. I have to remind dh that how I feel about things is entirely down to me, be it right or wrong, they are my feelings.

Do all men watch porn? I genuinely didn't think dh did.

ilovepuds - I feel you have summarised it perfectly in your last paragraph.

I guess its just something I am going to have to accept.

I think if my DP were away for a few weeks he would have a few "off the wrist" I know i would. He may or may not use porn - i wouldn't have a problem with it if he did, i woudl be pissed off if he hid it though.

No all men don't use porn and no, you don't have to accept it if your husband does.

Masturbation is entirely different from having to use porn to do it. Lots of men and women have far more vivid imaginations in order to achieve an orgasm while masturbating and don't need to see women who could well have been abused in these images.

It's unrealistic to think that you can control the thoughts in his head while he's masturbating but it's not unreasonable at all to say that you have a problem with porn in your relationship and also being belittled for your feelings about it. You have an absolute right to those feelings and a right to honesty about whether he will continue using porn.

Think of all those horned up women reading 50 shades ATM, I'm sure there are Alot of women masturbating to Mr whatshisface grey and not their husbands right now, doesn't mean they dont love their partners.

I think your DH was out of line for having the videos be accessible to your DCs but I think you are overreacting just a bit.

It's none of your business what he thinks about when he's wanking.

However, it is your business that he uses' porn.

Those are 2 separate issues.

Women don't have to accept
the men in our lives using porn, people tell us that in order to justify the choices they've made. Just because some women accept it, doesn't mean you have to.

I personally wouldn't give house-room to a porn-user and I don't care what other people think of that, it makes me happy to know I don't have to compromise on this. Neither do you if you're not happy to.

He should have been a bit more sensible with the phone and kids, but am I being naive to think that all men like a bit of porn now and again. Varying degrees of course, but they're built differently from us aren't they?

It's a bit like being shocked that men use prostitutes . Who do people think are actually using all the prostitutes out there. I know this is at a tangent from OPs original question/ dilemma, and of course i am certainly not relating this to her DH, its just an associated thought, but sometimes I do think womenfolk can be a bit naive. Men think about women in a very different and less romantic way than we like to imagine they just don't tell us about it!

Squeegle, that is a horribly man-hating thing to say.

Yes, lots of men are vile misogynists who de-humanise women and use them as wank socks.

But please don't insult all the decent men out there who believe that women are full human beings and don't deserve to be tarred with the same brush as the ones you refer to. It comes across as really man-hating, not all of them are misogynists.

"but they're built differently from us aren't they? "
No, they're not, that's the biggest bit of bullshit myth out there.

And most men don't use prostitutes, only 10 % of men in the UK do, so 9 out of 10 don't.

The majority of men may well use porn, but not all men by a long stretch.

And no, they're not built differently to us, they are members of the same species with hearts and brains just like us and they are perfectly capable are making moral choices just like us. I know men who wd be very offended at the idea that they would happily exploit a prostituted woman with no consideration for anything except their orgasms. What sort of neanderthals are they supposed to be?

I've just thought about this and would like to retract my post, you're right, using porn isnt right and you have every right to be angry, I would be too.