Dealbreaker?

[Datingagain]

Have been going out with someone since February. We both have children from previous relationships - his are teenagers, I have one three year old.

He's lovely and things have been great - really nice change after v tough time with ex P - but there are a couple of elephants in the room that are becoming difficult to ignore.

Firstly, we live in different towns - not far - but still, different towns. He clearly does not want to leave his as his kids are there - I don't want to leave mine, as job, future school , ex P (who sees DS a lot) are all here. We would both like to move things forward - maybe think about moving in together in the future - but how?

Secondly, he does not want any more children - he's been very clear about this from the start. I respect this - and whilst I'm not sure that I do want more - I don't definitely not want another one IYSWIM?

I know I should stop thinking about the future - and just enjoy the relationship - but am getting on a bit, and if I do want more children, or to get married / move in together in the not too distant future, am I silly staying with him and "wasting time" with someone who doesn't want the same things?

It's really frustrating as we get on SO well - and are so similar in so many ways - shared values, opinions, wishes for the future (apart from the above!) and I can't work out if it would be stupid to end a great relationship because of what might or might not happen in the future.

We talked about it this weekend and we both seem as confused as each other -we love each other, but seemingly not enough to make the sacrifices / compromises we need to.

Any advice?!

could you move halfway between where you do now? thatd be a compromise you could maybe both make. the no more kids thing is a bigger issue id say...why is he so adamant do you think? if he cant give you a really plausible reason that you can accept you need to think hard whether hes the guy for you or whether hes havin things all his own way...good luck anyway x

It's still really early days if you've only been together 6 months - too soon to be moving in or getting married IMHO

If at a later stage you wanted to live somewhere, couldn't you move halfway between the two towns?

As for the age/biological clock thing, that's understandable but depends how old you are as well?

don't rush into it just because you want another baby, whoever it's with, I suppose is what I'm trying to say

x post!

Thanks you two, yes it's a tough one. I agree it's too soon to be thinking about moving in etc - but just don't think we will be able to even in 2 years! He wants to stay put as kids pop in on way home from school etc. I am happy to be a bit more flexible on the location bit - but I do think the no more kids thing is harder to get over. There is no compromise and he is adamant that he doesn't want to do nappies / stress / sacrifices again. Fair enough, but I'm not sure that I don't - not sure that I do either. Suppose I just thought that if I met someone new and fell in love etc it would be a possibility - but with him it ain't. Shame, as the rest of it all is good. But suppose I am starting to get some slightly selfish vibes from him as well (not related to above issues) so maybe it's not all as rosy as I have thought up until now anyway. Ho hum.

Oh and am 37 by the way, so getting on a bit ;-)

Gosh yes I can see your point OP - you still have time to meet someone else who may want another, and it seems like with this guy it'd be you making all the compromises (and your dc of course) giving up where you live and any hope of another child

It's a very tricky one because I can see his POV as well in relation to his ds being able to drop in where he lives now, and his not wanting any more dcs. It may be though that you both just want different things ultimately in which case I think you're sensible to consider ending it now - have a chance to see how you feel without him?

Do you think if you were with him you might look back on it and always be wondering if you might have met someone else and gone on to have more dcs?

Yes that's exactly it - I worry that if we did stay together on the basis of no more kids plus me moving my life to his town, that would be too much of a compromise / sacrifice on my behalf and I guess I may end up resenting him.

Point is, I never thought I would meet anyone else anyway (single working Mum etc), so meeting him and having had such a great 6 months has been a real revelation anyway.

Don't mean to sound defeatist - but chance of meeting another nice, normal man who I click with - and who does want kids - soon enough to consider getting married / pregnant in the next few years? Very slim. So do I stick with the relatively good un I have in my hand (so to speak) - and accept no more kids etc - or gamble on what might be in the bush? (Mixing metaphors - sorry!) And there may well be no-one else in which case I've lost a potentially decent partner.

Oh and should have said - I can absolutely see it from his POV too. Especially the wanting to be close enough for his kids to drop in on way home from school - I love the fact that he is such a devoted Dad. But his resoluteness on the no more kids thing I do find harder to understand. I respect it and would never seek to change his mind, but there's a tiny part of me that thinks he's such a devoted Dad to his own kids - and he says he loves me loads = why wouldn't be want a child with me? Stupid I know. Maybe we should just spilt up and see how we get on apart.

how long have you been on your own since your divorce/relationship breakdown? presumably not that long if dc is 3.

So your 'window' for having another dc is what, 5 or 6 years say? still quite a while. If it hasn't happened by then you may have come to terms more with not having another, gradually. You'll know you gave yourself that opportunity.

I'd say you have more chance of meeting someone else nice, having had this good experience, and if it ends in a nice way.

He's moved on from the whole toddler/nappies etc stage and further down the line I think lots of people feel like 'well that was lovely, but I wouldn't want to do that again' (sleepless nights, potty training, toddling etc etc) If you try to persuade him to have a baby and he's not into the idea then it's not really fair on him anyway.

So maybe yes, it is a dealbreaker, but ultimately only you can answer that...

I think the first thing to think about is whether you definitely do or definitely don't want more children. As he has made it crystal clear that he doesn't want any more, it seems pointless to stay together if you decide you really want another iyswim.
The housing issue will follow once the baby part is sorted. You both have valid reasons for wanting to stay where you are so a compromise seems fair = in the middle.

Maybe he could change his mind about a baby, who know's. The longer he's with you, the deeper the love and emotional connection. That said, he may still decide it's a no. Speak to him honestly about how you're feeling, if you haven't already, it's best to sort it out now.
I had 3 DC very young (eldest is 17) and swore blind I would never ever have another - fast forward my life a few years, splitting with exH and now 3 years into a relationship with DP and we are TTC i must be bloody mental:) so minds can be changed.
Hope things work out for you x

I wouldn't be bringing ANYTHING up with him after only 6 months. It would seem like a huge pressure to me.

Wait a year.