I have been told a 'secret' by a family member, and sworn to secrecy.

[DidntWouldntCouldntShouldnt]

But whilst I have absolutely no intention of breaking this persons confidence, it has something very directly to do with me, which I now don't feel I can discuss with anyone because this secret has such a bearing on the whole thing.

I don't even know what I want from starting a thread.

Except since I was told in the middle of last week, I feel sick and knotted inside and can't shake off this awful feeling of sadness and feeling trapped.
I wish they had never told me but know they needed to confide.

But I'm stuck now, and they won't now discuss it further with me. All the people that know the rest of the story are talking to me and offering opinions and judgements and I just have this heavy weight of knowing a huge chunk that changes everything about the story, and their opinions of one person in particular, but have agreed not to say anything. It really wouldn't be my place to.
One person is being villified in a way that really isn't fair given the actual whole story.

I'm sorry, if I don't off load somehow, even just the situation I am in, I will have another sleepless night and I am drained by it all.

The person is now barely even answering their texts, and my other family members have contacted me to contact this person. I feel like I am sitting on a time bomb.

Is it the same person who has confided in you that is being villified by the rest?

It was maybe a little unkind of the person to share this confidence if it then puts you in a predicament with the rest of the family.

Diffuclt to advise without further detail, can you discuss it with the person who shared with you & ask that she/he seriously considers opening up about this to others for his/her own support & to release you from the burden of being the only one with the whole story.

Horrible situation for you!

You'll have to ask them to 'come clean'. There's no other way. If you can't keep this secret without letting it eat you up, you'll have to 'hand it back' to the discloser and tell them that you need to deal with it in your way and that will be sharing the secret. You do have the right, if the secret is to do with you. You need to let the discloser know of your intentions so that they have time to put in place whatever they need to before you go 'public'.

I don't have a problem with secrets, whatever they are, I'll take them to the grave - BUT it was wrong of this person to blurt offload their secret onto you and expect you to keep it when that isn't what you are long-term able to do.

Speak to them... let them know. The ball is then in their court and maybe it will be the very best thing. You really have no other choice if you can't keep it to yourself.

The person being villified isn't the one that told me the secret, and I really can't share any of it.
I hate being cryptic.

I really am sorry,
I have never been in such a difficult situation. I actually understand this persons reasons for wanting the whole thing kept secret. Because once their truth comes out, their own life will be shattered. To be honest, no one comes out of it very well, apart form one victim.

I can and will keep it to myself. But I feel sick at watching events unfold. I have just had another phone call from someone and have listened and tried to block out what is happening.

I can't even think of an analogy to give an example. It sounds so melodramatic, but the reality is sad, painful and which ever way things turn out, there is going to be a lot of hurt.
I might ring the Samaritans, would that be wrong? It's not what they are really for I know.

is sad, painful and which ever way things turn out, there is going to be a lot of hurt

so what you know will not change any outcome

Is there another helpline that is relevant.

Without knowing what it is it is difficult to offer suggestions, but many helplines talk to people that are dealing with a problem by proxy iyswim.

The obvious examples I cab think of are childline, nspcc, the rape crisis helpline, women's aid.

I kind of know how you feel. It is horrible to be sworn to secrecy on such emotive secrets without everyone else trying to confide/seek help from you too.

I would advise/agree that you do ring the Samaritans

You say you "feel sick and knotted inside/can't shake off this awful feeling of sadness/feel trapped/cant sleep" - those feelings are exactly what the Samaritans are there to help with, especially in your situation where you need to talk confidentially and with anonymity

Please call them - In the UK dial 08457 90 90 90 or in the Republic of Ireland dial 1850 60 90 90 or you can email [email protected]

Hope you feel better soon

You have every right to be angry with the person who told you this secret. Yes they might have needed to unburden themselves, but it didn't have to be to you and it was pretty selfish of them to place you in this position. Telling you something that impacts on your life this much and then telling you to keep it secret is a big power trip for them and you DON'T have to keep the secret. Talk to whoever you need to talk to, to get you through your initial emotions - and then consider informing the other person that unless they take steps to ensure that the innocent party is protected and you aren't having to lie or watch someone being needlessly victimised, you will do it yourself.

If the reality is that the situation is going to be sad and painful regardless, you do at least have the right to protect yourself from the burden of holding this secret. The person who told you is likely to have told other people or will in the future, so the secret getting out is inevitable.

ivykaty, to a certain extent the outcome is going to be difficult either way.

If this person opened up, they would be ostracised from certain parts of the family. It is that kind of family.

It is as strong an issue as for instance some inter racial/religeous relationships where people are totally opposed to that idea.

This person knows of a similar situation in the wider family where an individual has been 'cut' out of a huge section of family.

I will look into help lines. That is good idea, thank you Haunted.

I am going to name change back now, I am frightened I will slip up and would be devastated to betray a confidence, but it has helped stop the overwhelming sense of confusion to off load even a little.

So thank you x

Thank you again.

BTW I have been in this horrible position before, and keeping the secret had a very bad effect on me. In the end I did talk to other people about it, but as the secret wasn't hurting anyone else I made sure it was only people who didn't know the affected parties. It helped me a lot to share but I am still angry with the person for burdening me with something I didn't need to know. They should have found a counsellor.

If someone is being unfairly vilified while someone else is protecting themselves, then that is really unfair.

It's a difficult one. You keep a secret and protect one, while at the same time being aware that someone else is being thrown to the wolves and you could help them.

Like, for example, someone is accused of stealing something from a family member. Everyone thinks it's them and everyone hates them. Another family member tells you that actually, it was them, and swears you to secrecy.

You have to sit and watch while the innocent person suffers and the guilty one is protected. See the currently vilified torn to pieces and suffering emotionally.

What do you do? Keep the secret or ensure that justice is done? Protect the person who confided in you or ensure that someone isn't unjustly accused?

I realise that it's a totally different sort of situation, but it comes down to assessing when is it right to keep a secret and when is it not.

It's an awful situation you're in. That's for sure.

Agree with Hecate not fair in the person being vilified if it is not true.

There are times when secrets should not be kept.

Unfortunately you are the one with this problem.

Good luck.

Not that you need to share with us OP but if this secret in anyway involves a vulnerable child or adult then you MUST share it with someone official & tell the confidante that you are doing so.