If we split, how much time will I have to give up with my baby?

[StressedNotSupported]

I'm feeling so desparate. I don't want to write a long thread right now. If you read my other recent thread, you'll know where I'm at. Just had a massive row tonight, instigated by DH. He talked to his mother for an hour on phone this afternoon which I dont' think is a coincidence. Picked a row whilst I was feeding baby which is awful as I've had to do bedtime with my 1 year old DS, with tears streaming down my face whilst trying to smile for baby.

Anyway, my question is, if I leave him, how much time will I have to give up with my baby? I can't bear the thought of having to hand him over and be without him, whilst my DH plays 'happy families' with his mother. I feel devestated that it has come to this. I feel like it's the only reason I'm hanging on in there. I must be an idiot. Why didn't I realise before I brought a child into this? I feel so guilty.

All depends. The 'norm' is every other weekend and a day/night during the week. But with a baby it would depend

It really depends, are you primary carer?

My memory thinks you may not be.

Yes I'm primary carer. I'll probably calm down & it won't come to splitting ...yet. But it keeps swirling around my head. I feel heartbroken. Don't dare go to relate because I think I need to be prepared that it may bring things to a point of no return, though maybe we are nearly there anyway.

Every other weekend is the norm. Xh and I split when I was almost 8 months pregnant with dc4. I was exclusivity bf but the judge decided I was unreasonable to not let the baby stay other with xh from 24 weeks old. Luckily I had a good supply and plenty of ebm in the freezer.
It's not too bad when you get used to it. I miss them like mad but it gives me time to myself and to go our with friends. and it means I no longer have to live with the horrible xh.

So there would be no welfare issues for your DH to have good access? Would he seek 50/50 do you think?

No, no welfare issues. Don't know if he'd seek 50/50 but I can imagine his mother would push him to do so. It's weird to even be writing this. I'm just worn down, numb inside but deeply deeply hurting that its got to contemplating life apart in future.

Dh hasn't been hands on. Thinks he's tried really hard. In his mind he has done as much as he can. Reality is he's never dine bath, bed, made food, etc. He would have to learn if we split. Hate the thought it'd be his mother & not me influencing my dh's welfare when in his care. She did a crap job with dh. Scares me.

I'm so tired.need sleep now. Sorry for rambling.

Ds's welfare not dh. On. Phone. Typo. Sorry.

Well if you can be civil about it it wouldn't have to go to court and you could decide between you what would be reasonable. If no abuse issues etc it might work better in the short term if he came over and had contact at your house initially?

Either way I would build it up, especially if you're still breastfeeding, courts don't tend to advise long periods of contact for a child so young, it would be little and often. So a few hours 3 or 4 times a week rather than a whole weekend, for example. Or if DS still feeds at night for example it could be that at the moment it's better for DS if he takes him out during the day and brings him back before bedtime. Once he's older and very used to being at Dad's house you can discuss overnights then.

Turn it round. How much time will HE have to give up with HIS baby? A child takes two to make and it's wrong to think of the child as singularly yours, the child has a father too.

I share 50/50 contact with my ex and it's not only fair (and what many courts advocate where possible), but it works well for everyone including the children. Would you be happy to only see your child for a "few hours 3 or 4 times a week"? I suspect not.

Why should a baby not "be used" to being at Dad's house? Men are capable of raising babies, although they can't breastfeed it's perfectly possible to express beforehand and provide milk.

Sorry for being straight on this, but daisydoodoo's right - you do get used to it and it's rewarding now to see my children have an excellent relationship with both parents (some children don't have that opportunity).

YoFluffy Yes of course, I know that it's not easy on anyone going down that route and of course child deserves a relationship with father. I'm just expressing my absolute desparate sadness that I'm even contemplating the future apart and how much it will hurt me to be apart from my baby. I think when kids are older, perhaps it is easier. Perhaps not. But at the moment, I have done 99% of everything for my child. DH has not. He only does 'playtime'. I know there are lots of brilliant dads who do a great job on their own but my DH has shown no signs of doing this. He 'works' so doesn't think he should have to you see. I 'don't work' even though I am looking after our child 24/7 (who doesn't sleep) and never ever get a break. I am up at 5 am most days including every weekend where DH sleeps till 9am and then complains he is tired. He will often also have a nap on a weekend too. I rarely get this but if he does 'look after' baby whilst I do, I am expected to be very very grateful. He will usually wake me up when he's reached his limit after about 45 minutes. He woke me up so I could give baby his breakfast the other weekend cos he wouldn't do it. So you see, having done nothing to help with the childcare, I don't feel very confident that I can just hand him over to DH at such a young age.

We have lots of issues. Maybe we will get through it but I'm just totally sleep deprived and worn down, to a point where I feel nothing for DH. Just deeply sad and numb.

I know you are judging me but believe me I haven't gone into half the details here of why I'm at this point, but I'm sure you'd understand why I feel the way I do if I had. I also have a toxic MIL who I wouldn't trust not to mess with my child's head when he's old enough and she would be a major factor if we end up splitting as then she'll be spending lots of time on her own with DS.

thing is, if men want to parent equally post breakdown in relationships they should damn well be doing it before a spilt. During the time they're not in education or paid employment that is, same as their partner (and the same would apply if a dad was doing all the care not the mum IMO, though it is less common). If they haven't been doing that then they should accept that a transition to it, rather than a huge jump to it is in the best interests of their child.

Agree with Bertie though, that it would maybe be best to be proactive about it - suggesting a plan of building up time in stages, showing that you're happy for him to be an active parent (assuming there's not any abuse etc) but want it to be done in a way that's fair to your DS and you (eg - one parent shouldn't get all the fun time while one ends up with all the school days when they get bigger). There's nothing at all that says every other weekend is a target to aim for - if you can agree something that suits you all then that would be much better.